Open Letter To @MBuhari: Oga How Far Via @ofilispeaks

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Originally appears on ofilispeaks.com

Sai Baba,

How far o. We no dey see your brake light again. Wetin happen now?

How come you don’t talk to us anymore? Abi is our mouth smelling or is it the body odor?

We apologize if it is the “BO,” it’s just that we have not had light for some days now. Plus we have to queue for fuel for hours under the hot sun and by the time we come back with all that sweat and stress, the BO is unavoidable.
To be honest, things have been really difficult without you around. We miss you.

I remember in 2015 when I was still dating Jonathan my ex … that did not stop you you used to toast us every day with those sweet sweet jingles and free free recharge card with that your friend “Osinbajo.” You used to call us at odd hours of the night just to tell us how much you cared for us.

And on the weekends … ah!

It was party time! We used to groove to that band … the “Ogas At The Top.” They used be so good! Releasing hit after hit … especially the classic “Drunk in Power.” I bet you remember the video …

But since you entered Aso Rock the “Ogas At The Top” have “suddenly” stopped recording songs and you sef, you have forgotten about us! When we flash your number you don’t even pick. Why now?

And even when we visit … you send your gateman Shehu to give us message. That’s if you are even at home. Most of the time you have traveled to the abroad …

Nowadays we only get to see you on Television, not National but International!

Big man, we hail you o. Me sef I will like to go to the abroad one day, but with the falling Naira I no fit afford dollars for my trip.

Talking about the abroad Mr. President, how come you only send us messages when you travel?

It reminds me of my past relationship when I was the side chick and my boyfriend was cheating on me and only used to text but not call.

Is Nigeria your side chick? Are you cheating on us with another country? When will you visit Nigeria next? Not Aso Rock … the real Nigeria? The one you used to visit in 2015 when you wanted us. Do you remember this picture we took together … in Nigeria? We looked so happy and you looked so handsome =D

Buhari_Flagoff_PH Campaign2

Anyway, I have sweet gist for you sha.

Do you know that some herdsmen killed hundreds of people last month. It’s been very crazy, people are very worried that others might retaliate by killing their cattle which might affect the nations supply of Suya! And Nigeria without suya is very scary!

When we went to talk to you to gist about the suya herdsmen, your senior gateman Mr.Mohammed said that you people were dealing with the issue silently.

But people are complaining about this “silence” they are saying that the “silence” is too “silent” … but leave them, they don’t understand that “silence” works “silently!”

And before I forget, have you people found the 2016 budget yet? Do you think they will find it before 2016 is over? We have like 7 months left. I know Aso Rock is big and all, so it might be difficult to search the whole place before the year is over. But hopefully you find it soon.

Talking about finding, I found some CHANGE in my pocket recently.

I remember in 2015 when you used to shout that you will give us CHANGE we are finally seeing the CHANGE but it is not what we expected, we did not know the CHANGE will be CHANGE in our wallet. But it’s okay, we just have to be patient after all change is gradual …

Anyway I have to run, the generator is coughing, the fuel will soon finish … And I have to get ready for my new job tomorrow morning. Surprise! I bet you did not know I had a job =)

I will be working with an international Chinese Masquerade Company in the South East, where I will be helping them undress and dress Masquerades, I am so excited, the pay is unbelievable and benefits are out of this world. Check out a picture of one of the Masquerades our company will be designing …

ijele

Anyway, please remember to bring me Chocolate from the abroad and one jerry can of fuel … 25 liters specifically abeg. And please call us, we want to hear your voice again. Hope you still have our number sha …. lots of love.

PS: And please greet your Minister of Silence … I mean “Finance” for us. Sai Baba!

Sincerely,
Nigeria

twitterWords by Okechukwu Ofili of ofilispeaks.com
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Ofilispeaks

Ofilispeaks

Okechukwu Ofili is the author of 3.5 books and writes political satire for the BBC/RNW What's Up Africa show. He is also the founder of okadabooks.com and blogs daily at ofilispeaks.com.

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