A tale of ‘I want what I want’, in 2014, a thirty-year-old Nigerian woman set herself on a path of single-motherhood. Kafayat Adegoke who is a lesbian from Bradford, West Yorks, desperately wanted a baby but not for the right reasons. She deceives three men into believing she was straight and in a relationship with them, when in truth she was just a lesbian looking for a sperm donor.
She openly declared she needed a baby for access to council house and benefits from the British government despite using the men without their knowledge of her ulterior motive.
She set the path by; first, is to find a man, second, is to find a man who will get her pregnant and finally is to find a man who will get her pregnant and will not get involved in the child’s life in any way, shape, or form.
For this to happen, she dates three men; one she met in Nando’s, a jogger she befriended in a park and finally a work colleague, not for a relationship, just to get pregnant after which she leaves them unceremoniously.
She says, “Ever since I was a little girl I have yearned for a baby. I looked into IVF and surrogacy but they both seemed quite expensive. I also felt IVF was unnatural. I thought logically and what I needed was a sperm donor and there were plenty of these walking the streets and I could take my pick. I decided to pretend I was straight and trick a man into getting me pregnant.”
Ensuring everything goes exactly as she plans, she holds off sleeping with any of her intended sperm donor till she has thoroughly inquired about their family background, medical history, and blood group.
After a year of searching for the right version of the father for her baby, she becomes pregnant by the guy she has been seeing for the past two months, after which she ended the relationship and barred the man from seeing her or the baby.
She is hopeful her new pregnancy can change her cash-strapped situation as she will get a council house and benefits.
Kafayat, who is currently dating 26-year-old Aisha Atan, said: “I have always wanted to be a mum. As a gay woman, surrogacy or IVF were options but I couldn’t afford these and they seemed too way too much hassle. I decided I would have to sleep with a man and started to look out for guys that were good looking and intelligent with a sense of humor. I’d like my child to have all these attributes. I couldn’t have one-night stands with strangers – I needed to date them, find out about their medical and family history to see if they were suitable sperm donors.”
She added: “I was with the last guy I dated for two months but when I fell pregnant I ended the relationship straight away. My baby doesn’t need a father, I don’t want anything from him and I am so excited about being a single mum. I am going to speak to the local council about getting a house and some benefits. I deserve them like any other single mum.”
At the age of sixteen, Kafayat realized she was attracted to women though she sexually experimented with both sexes.
Speaking on why she could not come open with her sexuality earlier she says; “In Nigeria, where I grew up, people were ignorant about gay people and I had to date men to be accepted. I would date girls in secret but slept with two men – but I always knew I was a lesbian. When I moved to London five years ago I was able to date women more openly and I had quite a few girlfriends.”
Recalling some of the guys she had to date and why they did not work out she says; “One night in Nando’s I started chatting to a guy. He was a 40-year-old property developer – very good looking with blue eyes. He spoke very well and seemed intelligent. I straight away thought he would make a beautiful baby. We chatted and then swapped numbers. We started to date but as I got to know him I realised his personality wasn’t right. He had no sense of humor. I didn’t want this passed down to my child. I didn’t want him to be my sperm donor and ended the relationship before we slept together.”
Last June, she met and became attracted to a 35-year-old jogger she had met while running in the park as part of her health kick, “I was on a health kick and had started running. He was tall and very good looking. I started to flirt and he flirted back. We swapped numbers and started to date. He was very intelligent and worked as a building contractor. After a few weeks of finding out about his medical history and family background we slept together. I was dreading this part. The thought of having sex with a man made me feel sick but I just kept thinking about the baby I could make. I bought a DIY ovulating testing kit and checked I was fertile before sleeping with him. We slept together a few times.”
She dated him for two-months but when she did not conceive by that time, she ended the relationship with him. She said: “It wasn’t happening quick enough for me so I decided I needed to move on to someone more fertile.”
In September, Kafayat met her next target through her job at the time, as a TV producer.
By September, she had moved on to her next target (“He was a 34-year-old studio engineer, good looking, witty and intelligent”) whom she had met through her job as a TV producer at the time.
She said: “Again, I spent time sussing him out and asking him about his family history and even discovered what blood group he was.”
To get it right on the third try, Kafayat went to see a doctor for fertility check-up and seek medical advise on how to get pregnant quickly
She said: “I started researching the best sexual positions to get pregnant in. It was difficult because I was living a double life. I was sleeping with women all the time I was seeing these guys too.”
After they had sex twice, she took in.
Kafayat was so happy, she added: “I was so happy I was finally going to have a baby. I knew I had to end the relationship but I did start to feel guilty because I had grown close to him. I didn’t fancy him at all but we had become friends. I decided to tell him the truth, that I had used him to get pregnant. He was understandably furious and was shouting at me. I said I was sorry and made it clear I wanted nothing from him and I didn’t want him to have contact with me or the baby.”
Presently, living in Leeds and studying Film and TV at the Leeds Trinity University, Kafayat intends wedding her girlfriend, Aisha, whom she came clean to.
Aisha said: “I was shocked at first but when she explained I started to understand. She’s my girlfriend and I love her and I hope to be part of the child’s life. I will support her all the way.”
When asked what she would tell the baby regarding his or her father, if they ask; She answers, “I will say the father is a sperm donor and not go into detail,”.
“People have been shocked when I’ve told them what I have done – but it wasn’t easy for me. I will never sleep with a man again to get pregnant. I am happy with one child. My baby’s dad has tried to contact me a few times but I want nothing to do with him. I don’t regret tricking a man into getting me pregnant. All that matters is my baby.”
This scenario looks perfectly normal (to those who’ll defend her) since it’s been carried out by a woman. Imagine a similar scenario where a man comes out to say ‘I got three women pregnant” and I don’t want to have anything to do with either of them. All hell will let loose.
Photo Credit, dailymail