Does Bearing A Child Validate A Woman As A Wife?
Recent study shows that the average Nigerian woman aims for two things, Marriage and Children. In many cases the marriage comes with kids, while some have to go through few to many years before kids come along. This period of waiting is usually one of emotional and psychological trauma for the woman as she believes that she is the tree to bear the fruit of children.
The woman waits for the first month after marriage, eagerly hoping that every sexual encounter with her husband will be ‘it’. When the first, second and third month passes and she hasn’t conceived, she gets worried; And the longer it takes for her to conceive, the more stress she’s under. The stress might be self-inflicted or from outside forces.
Although there are natural situations that might hinder a woman from conceiving, she suddenly puts her hope in the medical expertise of her doctor. Hanging unto his every word, instruction and advice. When that isn’t yielding the desired result, the ‘wait on God’ mentality abruptly sets in.
The woman who hasn’t borne a child after marriage suddenly feels her own share of shame either in the family she’s married into, her own family or the society in which she finds herself. She unconsciously subjects herself to self-shame which can be detrimental to her sanity and marriage.
Their are instances where the husband isn’t desperate about having the child, he faithfully loves his wife, and fights any membe of the family who ridicules his wife for not having conceived. He stands by his wife 100%, with or without kids. And then there’s the other husband who is the opposite, the man who humiliates his wife for not having borne kids as well as encourage his family members and society to humiliate her.
Can a wife be a wife without bearing kids? Does her bearing kids prove she is a real woman? If Yes, Does that make a woman who will never ;ear her own kids any less of a woman? Is this pressure to bear kids imagined by the wife or is it visible in the way she is treated when she goes into society?
This brings us to question ”Does Bearing A Child Validate A Woman As A Wife? Or Is It Seeking Societal Validation?”
Here are few true stories of women and their experience with not having borne kids.
I have been happily married to my husband for three years now although we have no kids yet. Everyday I pray to get pregnant so I can fulfill my job as his wife. I love my husband so much and I don’t want to think of what desperation to have kids can make him do. Although he doesn’t bother me about it and keeps telling me whenever it happens, it happens, but I want it to happen right now. Every night I go to bed crying in prayer for the fruit of the womb. I want my husband’s family to know he married a complete woman. – Anonymous, Lagos
My case might seem strange and some might question my decision but it’s my life and that’s what I decided. I started out as a stripper in an elite club in Abuja. I met my hubby there, he asked me to quit the job, that he loves me and wants to marry me. I was a teenager living in shambles, life as a stripper cum prostitute is not easy one bit. He overlooked everything, gave me a fresh start, a clean slate, and I took it. Three months later I went to meet him in the US. As an American citizen it didn’t take long for me to be issued a green card. My husband is impotent but I am medically fine to have kids plus he is older than I am with fifteen years. I am 27 years old. We have been married for eight years now. I have everything. Like there is nothing I can’t afford, I travel any where I want, I have done things many people just might never get to do in their lifetime, but the one thing I want, I can’t find; and that is my own kids. I have even begged him to adopt and he isn’t interested. He has no kids anywhere, just me. But I am so tired, I am willing to walk away from everything. I desperately need a child. I want to leave all I have achieved for someone. Anytime I get ready to walk away I get eaten up with guilt at how lucky I am because of him, cos he saved me, he took me from the pit and made me a jewel. I might sound ungrateful but everyone keeps laughing at me, that with all my wealth, I have no child. – Anonymous, Abuja
This true experiences aren’t peculiar as there are many women in unique marriages facing the same plight. While airing opinion on the issue also Freely share any experience(s) you know either personally or externally.
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