It’s Another Saturday…#15

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LeChase Hotel


Your hands on my hips pull me right back to you
I catch that thrust, give it right back to you
You’re in so deep, I’m breathing for you
You grab my braids, arch my back high for you

You’re diesel engine, I’m squirting mad oil
Down on the floor ’til my speaker starts to boil
I flip shit, quick slip, hip dip and I’m twisted
In your hands and your lips and your tongue tricks
And you’re so thick and you’re so thick and you’re so…

Crown royal on ice, crown royal on ice
Crown royal on ice, crown royal on ice

“Ooooh… Jill Scott.”

“Jill Scot? Are you for real? How about ‘ooooh…Jide’?”

I laugh, even though I so badly want to cry. I so badly want to scream out his name and wake the entire neighborhood.

It’s 5am and Jide and I have been at this since 3am. I’m not even counting the one we did when I arrived around 1am. We just can’t seem to get our hands off each other. The things he does to me…the different ways he makes me feel. And with Jill Scott, queen of aural sex, setting the mood, there’s no better way to start the day.

I feel a tremor erupt from the center of me, and it begins to spread to every part of my body. I bite the pillow my head is buried in but it’s not enough to keep me from crying out. Goosebumps, moist eyes, curled toes… Inside, I clench him real tightly as I go off. I’m having a huge one that is coming in spurts and going on for what seems like forever until I can’t seem to feel myself anymore.

I blank out for a few and he turns me around, peering into my face. I can’t see him. He tries to touch me but I press my legs together securely. I can’t take any more. The guy’s pipe laying skills are on fleek abeg, kudos to his bride-making experience. I won’t lie; I’m dickmatized right now. Or give me a better explanation why he and I are not in a heated fight at the moment after I have stumbled upon the text from his ex, Ezinne.

Okay, maybe ‘stumbled’ is the wrong word, considering that I paid some good money for an app that can help me easily spy on Jide’s phone and online activities from his text messages to call logs, to every single social media interaction, to photos and videos and even his browsing history. So, clearly, I got Ezinne’s text when it came in yesterday evening and I knew he called her not long after. This discovery had left me upset and I came with the full intent to bring it up but two things prevailed. One was the fact that I didn’t want him to think I was this insecure, possessive girlfriend that had no respect for his privacy. Then the second reason, as I already mentioned, is the D. It is boss. My ebony love tool.  The way it commands respect gets me tongue-tied and on my knees every time. If I hadn’t fallen in love before I had it, I would swear it’s the only thing keeping me sprung.

Not to trivialize what we share, I’ll state it clearly again that I love Jide. And I want us to work. That is why I will say nothing and hope that he doesn’t go to see Ezinne; but if he must, I hope he tells me.

Please Jide, don’t lie to me.

I feel his body heat as he cradles me. The hair on his skin is such a turn on that I fear we’ll start all over again. I’ve always had this high level of eroticism just below the surface. Saratu constantly asks me why I hide it. And I’ll often tell her only one man can bring out the freak in me. Before Jide, all others, including Kene and Nonso tried but they fell short. Jide is oga. No contest.

I climb over him now and look into those calm eyes.

“I thought you just passed out,” he says.

I shut his mouth with a kiss that sends a direct message to his midsection.

“You’re a nympho,” he says into my ear. We begin all over again.

∞            ∞            ∞            ∞            ∞            ∞

“Madam, I know you’re tired but this baby has to come out like yesterday. I can see the head. All I need is one push from you to make it happen.”

The soon-to-be mom before me nods dispassionately. Her face is washed with tears. She has been in labor for quite a long time.

“Okay, now push.”

She screams out, clenches her feet, grips the bedsheet beneath her with her fists and gives it a big shove, sending a girl into the world. The baby comes out protesting in a very angry cry.

“And there you go. Your beautiful baby girl!” I announce. After two days of labor, her bundle of joy has finally arrived. As is in my practice, I place baby on her mother’s chest for warmth and instant bonding but the mother, whom I’ll call Mrs. B, makes a face and tells me to take the child away.

This is not a strange occurrence. In my experience as midwife, I’ve encountered women who want little to do with their newborns immediately after birth, especially when they have endured so much. All the same, as professionals, we have to investigate further to know if it is due to sheer exhaustion or something deeper.

I go through the afterbirth process I’ve been through a million times and during the course, I watch my client’s passive face as she observes the room around her like one not there. When baby is all wrapped up, I help the woman up on her feet and ask the junior midwife who has accompanied me to help bathe her.

“I can do it myself,” she replies with an angry tone. “I just gave birth to a human being, not a mountain.”

She waddles off to her bathroom. I tell the midwife to clean the room as I take baby out to meet her father and other family members who are waiting. They cheer when I step out of the bedroom. The father rushes to me and picks his fourth child in his arms. He has done this three times already with his late wife but his eyes go moist at the sight of his first daughter. Family members surround the baby and everyone has something to say about her pretty face. I stand by and watch them, merely nodding each time one of them thanks me.

After what seems like forever, the man walks to me and asks if he can see his wife. I shake my head.

“Not now. Give her some time.”

“Is she okay?”

“Yeah, everything went well.”

He thanks me and I turn back into the bedroom. Mrs. B is all cleaned up now and lying on her bed, her face to the wall. I turn to one corner of the room where Honey is seated. She had begged to accompany when I told her I had to work. I acceded to her wish and here she sits, traumatized by what she has just witnessed. I try not to laugh.

“Madam.” I sit on the bed to face my client. “Don’t you want to see your baby?”

“Not now, Jide.”

“Talk to me.”

“She should have been a boy.”

“Ah,” is all I can say. In my experience, this is also not new. In fact, I have seen it countless times. The male child always trumps the female.

She sits up slowly. I arrange pillows and help her rest her back on them.

“I’ve been trying to conceive for three years. Three years of miscarriages, one stillbirth and non-stop persecution from my husband’s family. Finally I take in and it’s a girl? His late wife had three boys for him. Three healthy boys. Do I need to tell you what this means? Where it all leaves me?”

“It leaves you with a beautiful, healthy little girl who is the light of her father’s eyes. Today is a good day, madam. Your baby whom you carried for nine months is finally here. Can you just put aside everything else and welcome her?”

“You can go, Jide. Thank you for everything. I just want to be alone. Please, go.”

I stand up. “My colleague will be sleeping over, so anything you need, ask her.”

She nods. I walk to Honey and take her hand and find it cold. Dazedly, she follows me out of the room. The family is still fussing over the newborn as the father escorts us outside and thanks me once more for my services.

In the cab, on our way home, I try to make conversation.

“Some women baffle me, honestly. People are looking for children and God gave you one and you’re not happy because it’s a girl. I felt like shaking her back to her senses as she was talking all that nonsense.”

Honey remains silent. I look at her and snap a finger in her face. She blinks back to life.

“Are you still shaken by the whole childbirth experience?”

“Shaken?” she looks at me. “I’m in awe.”


“It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen, hotstuff. The way her vagina stretched and that baby came out. It was… Wow!”

I look at my girlfriend with careful eyes. She seems to get weirder by the second. Every single girl I have taken to watch the birthing of a baby left the place traumatized, some swearing never to get pregnant.

“Jide, can we have a baby?” Honey gives me puppy eyes and holds my hands. “Please?”


“Okay, even if you don’t want to be responsible for it, just put it in me.”

I laugh. I’m not taking her serious. She likes to play like that.


“I’ve quit my job now and I’m about to start my own business. I have all the time in the world for a baby. All I need is a baby daddy.”

“And you came up with all of this just after watching another woman give birth?”

“No, I love babies. They’re so cute.”

“Erm…they are not.”

Honey leaves her spot on the seat and sits astride me. The cabman glares at us through the rearview mirror. He doesn’t seem pleased with the action but I ignore him.  She doesn’t kiss me; she just rests her head on my shoulder and using carefully chosen words, whispers how much she loves me, adding that I shouldn’t do anything to break her heart.

“Is there anything you’re hiding from me?” she asks, leaning back to look into my eyes.

My tummy tosses – loudly – as I recall that in the next hour I will be with Ezinne.

“What type of question is this one, Hon?”

“Just asking.”

“You were talking about babies one minute and now you’re questioning my devotion to you? Just out of nowhere?”

“I’m supposed to keep a special time for asking you that type of question?”

“How about never asking me at all and just trusting me?”

She lifts herself off my laps and takes her seat again.

“How long are you going to be at the hospital?” she questions.

“My rounds start by eight. I’ll be there till let’s say, ten-ish.”

“Can I go with you?”

“Honey, for heaven’s sake, what is up with you this evening?”

“Sorry I asked to spend more time with my man.”

She gives me a look I can’t decipher. It is not a good look. It makes me uncomfortable and almost forces me to assure her that I’m faithful to her. But I refrain. I’m not going to be bullied by her insecure ways.

“You need to deal with your trust issues or it will ruin us,” I say thoughtlessly.


We remain silent until the cab stops outside my gate. I lean towards her to give her a kiss before she steps out but realize there are tears on her face. She pushes me away and alights from the car. I’m a little baffled by her behavior but I’m beginning to get used to being shocked by her impulsiveness.

“Le Chase Hotel,” I say to the cabman the moment she disappears into the compound. He complains about hitting some traffic along the way. I tell him I am fine with it. We hit the road.

∞            ∞            ∞            ∞            ∞            ∞

It’s exactly eight o’clock when reception rings Room 219.

“You can go up, sir,” the receptionist informs me and I turn to a flight of stairs, ignoring the elevator she shows me. I take slow steps because I want to still my wildly-thumping heart. I can’t believe I’m going to see Ezinne. I’m nervous; I don’t know what I’ll find when I walk into that room.

I’m standing at the door now. I knock and wait…

“Come in, Jide,” I hear her say. I steady my hand that has begun to shake and force it to open the door.


I walk in. And there is Ezinne, or some altered version of her, lying on the bed like she and I are still an item and I’ve come for a booty call. She turns and regards me with eyes that have haunted my sleep for years.

I can’t speak, so I stare back. She’s wearing a pair of jeans and a white spaghetti top. Her weave is long and falls over her shoulders and back. And then I dare to take in her strange face which carries a nose perfectly sculpted and lips that are fuller than I used to know. This Ezinne has lost the beauty I once was crazy about. But she still holds some part of my heart which is stirring at the moment.

“Hi, Jide.”

I say nothing. She leaves the bed.

“I said I’ll hold my emotions when I see you but I just can’t.” She rushes into my arms, and starts to cry. And I’m not talking about that sniveling that ladies do when they want attention. No, Ezinne is weeping intensely. I have no option but to console her, and as they say, before I know it, we’re kissing each other crazy. I get lost for a moment, as our past is recalled and I fall back to the time I loved her and could have given my life for her.

The kiss gets intense and my hands begin to move beyond her waist because Ezinne still has this hold over me that she used to have back then. It’s even stronger now and I can think of nothing else but her. She’s unbuttoning my shirt and kissing my ear when Honey makes an appearance in my mind without caution. As if being slapped, I return to my senses and pull away.

“I have a girlfriend, Ezinne,” I tell her with a broken voice, removing her hands from my neck.

“Please, don’t stop.”

“No. You can’t just disappear from my life, fake your own death and think you can get back by offering me the sex you starved me of back in the day.”

My words bring back her commonsense.

“God! What am I thinking?” she asks herself as I give her some distance. “What just happened here?” She straightens her top. “Jide, I’m so sorry. Very sorry. Please, forgive me for all I did to you. I’m sorry.”

“I came here for the truth. That’s all I’m here for.”

“Sit.” She points at the bed.

“I don’t want to sit.”


“I said no,” I reply edgily.

“Can I get you something then?”

I hear her but I’m distracted because I’m still staring at her. She has added some weight. And her skin tone is lighter; she used to have this dark, glowing complexion.


“No, I’m good.”

She picks the only chair in the room and sits.

“Why?” I ask, straightaway. “How could you fake your own death, Ezinne? Why would you do such a wicked thing?”

She scratches a brow.

“Answer me.”

She looks at me. “The accident almost killed me.”

“Me too. But I didn’t go faking my death.”

“I was scarred beyond recognition, Jide. Did anyone tell you that?”

No one told me anything. In fact, no one knew her whereabouts after the accident.

“Of course, they didn’t tell you because none of them cared about how I was faring, if I had died or lived. The only person that asked after me was Bobby but he didn’t even have the courtesy to come see me. My parents went to see your parents to ask for financial assistance for reconstructive surgery to replace parts of my skull that had been damaged and your parents turned them away. In fact, your mother blamed the accident on me and threatened that if you died in your coma, she would make our lives miserable.”

My initial anger begins to lose edge. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah. But I don’t hold it against them, Jay. I was a bitch to everyone.”

Yeah, she was, especially during a particular incident when she was rude to my mom over some minor issue or the time she walked out on my friends at one of Celia’s home parties just because they asked if she truly loved me.

“The accident scarred me, Jide. Badly. Half my nose and lips were disfigured beyond recognition. My neck, my jaw, one side of my head, all damaged. I looked like a corpse.”

She passed her phone to me.

“Viewer discretion is advised.”

I take the phone and the first photo I see on the screen makes my skin crawl. I can’t look any further. Forget my medical training, there are certain things the eyes are not supposed to see. I pass the phone back to her.

“And then I had to endure the drugs, injections, the wound-dressing, every single day. I wanted to kill myself, Jay. But for God, and my mom’s prayers I would have gone. She prayed for me constantly and would sing hymns to cheer me. That was the only way I survived. But I was still struggling with loving myself the way I was. You remember how I used to be about my looks?”

She was a Barbie back then. Couldn’t stand a scratch on her body, cared for her skin with the most expensive of products, and was vain like no man’s business. I can’t imagine the horror she went through after waking up and finding she had turned to Frankenstein’s bride.

“My parents were running around, looking for money for my hospital bills. My dad sold all his land in the village, my mom sold everything in her shop and yet the money pooled together couldn’t go halfway. Then one quiet morning, Kalu visited and signed a check that left us dazed. The money covered my bills and there was extra, which he asked me to use to fix myself up.”

I’m stunned by the direction the story has taken. “Kalu? My brother?”

“Yes. The only thing he asked of me was to stay away from you. He didn’t force me, he didn’t threaten. He begged.”

I am not shocked that Kalu would go out of his way to do such a thing. He is generous to a fault. However, I’m not sure what his motive was.

“And so we paid the bills and left. Someone gave me the contact of a plastic surgeon in Seoul. They said he was really good but affordable. I got in touch with him without my parents’ knowledge and he agreed to handle my case. Three nights before I left, I came to see you to say goodbye. Luckily for me, your mom wasn’t there and the nurse was super nice so she let me in.”

“Wait…you wore something yellow and had this veil around your head?”


“You prayed for me?”


Oh God. She was the lady in the yellow dress. How didn’t I recognize her?

“I used the veil to cover the part of my face that was still bandaged. I knew our chapter had ended, Jide, which was why I was there to say goodbye that night. I didn’t want to come back here. And I knew that by the time the doctor finished his work on me, I’d be changed, and so I sat with my parents and begged them to allow me fake my death. They kicked against it but I went ahead with the plans and without informing them, disappeared to Seoul. It was after my plane landed that I called them and told them I wasn’t coming back. But I still contacted them every now and then, asking after you. I was informed of when you got better and came to look for me and they had to lie to you that I was dead.”

“Well, it wasn’t hard for them. They always hated me.”

“That’s because your family wouldn’t let me be with you. But that’s all water under bridge now, Jide. How have you been?”

“That’s all water under bridge? You disappear from my life and think you can shove it off like that?”

“I had to do what I had to do, Jide! Our relationship the entire time was on pins and needles. Your family hated me. My family hated you. Friends didn’t support us being together. My career was shit, with musicians and directors trying to sleep with me all the time… in fact, I had nothing I was proud of! And then my looks were taken away from me! Was I to stay back and struggle with all of that just because I wanted to be married to an Onuora?!”

“How about what you felt for me?”

“It was not enough, Jide! It was not! I cried the day we collected the money from Kalu. I was grateful but I felt helpless. I lost my place in your life that day because of that money. And so I had to leave. But I still loved you.”

“Not that it matters now.”

“Yeah.” Her tone lowers. “I’m married.”

I laugh. It is a harsh laugh that tries to mask the pain in my heart.

“He’s Korean. We live in Seoul. He’s a banker…”

“I don’t give a fuck what he does or who he is, Ezinne! You’re so heartless! And you came here acting like you still love me when you already found a life, ehn?! What’s this meeting all about? You want to cheat on your husband?”

“God! No. I just wanted you to know the truth.”

“Which I wouldn’t have known if I had not bumped into you.”

“But how did you know I was still alive, Jide? My parents told me you’ve been calling relatives. How did you know?”

“Because I love you, Ezinne! How can’t you still see that? I love you! I have felt you aura all these years! I just couldn’t mourn you. And to think you were doing just fine…”

“It’s not like that.”

“Your disappearance turned me into a man I’ll forever regret!”

“I’m sorry.”

“So you came back for what exactly?!”

“I’m pursuing my MBA there in Seoul. I came back to get my transcript and some other documents…”

“You didn’t come to see me.”

“Jide…” She moves towards me but I step back.

“Don’t let me hate you, Ezinne. I’m very close to getting there. I wish I hadn’t bumped into you. In short, I wish I never even met you in my life. You’re dead to me this time and that my phone number you got from God-knows-where, lose it!”

I march to the door, open it and march out. It’s barely half past seven when I leave the hotel and head back home. I am mad and relieved at the same time. Mad at Ezinne, of course. And relieved that the truth is finally out and I can put the whole saga to rest. In fact, I won’t share this encounter with anyone because of the humiliation I’m feeling right now. I will let them all believe that they were right about her being dead and buried. I just feel bad that I’ll have to lie to Honey as well. But first I need to confirm with Kalu what I just heard.

I dial his UK line. Elsie answers. We talk for some time before she passes the phone to him.

“How much did you give Ezinne?”

Kalu hesitates. “So you found out.”

“Why did you do it?”

“Because I felt them popsi acted unfairly towards her family. It was not her fault that accident happened. And she needed the help, so I helped her.”

I don’t know what to say after he speaks, whether to scold him for asking her to stay away from me or thank him for the help he offered. I choose the latter.

“Don’t mention. But how did you find out?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“She’s fine, though?”

“I don’t know,” I lie.


I have nothing else to tell him, so I hang up. I focus my mind on Honey as I head home. I feel contrite for the way I treated her earlier. As much as I felt pressured by her, I think she deserves more than I’m giving. I’m glad I don’t have Ezinne’s ghost hanging over me like before. Honey and I will build our relationship from the scratch because I’m devoting myself to us entirely.


I stop at a bakery near my house for a chocolate cake and with my own hand, I write an apology on it. I also get a card and spell out all the amazing things I love about her. By the time I get home, it’s some minutes to ten. Honey is in the sitting room, alone in the dark. She startles me when I walk in. I don’t speak to her as I have noticed that she’s still unhappy with me. I simply head to the bedroom and place the cake and card on the bed before going to take a leak. When I return to the sitting room, I meet her the way I left her. Only this time, she has her phone to her face, and I’m left to see how pissed she is.

“So you’re going to act like you didn’t see me, sugar lips?”

“Where are coming from, Jide?”

I hate that tone she’s using on me.

“From the hospital, like I told you.”


“What does that mean?”

“I’ll show you what it means. Here.”

She’s handing me her phone. I’m not looking at it; I’m looking at her.


I collect the phone and to my shock, I’m staring at the same SMS Ezinne sent to me.

“How did you get this?”

“Does it matter? What’s important is that my boyfriend is a cheat and a liar.”

“Hey, easy now.”

“You lied!” she screams from nowhere.

“Calm down, Honey. No need to raise your voice.”

“And you cheated!”

“I did not. I just went to see her. Yes, I lied about where I was going to but that was done not to hurt you. How would you have felt if I told you I was going to see her?”

“But I begged you not to!”

“Honey, I had to see her. I needed to see her.”

“In a hotel room? Alone with her?”


“And nothing happened?”

Shit! I didn’t anticipate this curve.


“Nothing happened?” she repeats.

I look down.

“You did something with her?” Her voice cracks. “Oh God, I’m a fool.”

She stands up but I don’t let her move. I rush to her and hold her in my arms. She doesn’t fight me; she fights with her tears but she doesn’t win.

“I knew you were going to do this to me. I knew.” With brute strength, she pushes me backwards after snatching her phone off my hand.

“I hate you!”

“Honey, please…”

“You were asking how I got the text? Well I’ll tell you. I hacked into your phone and kept track of all your online activities.”

“You did what?” I can’t believe my ears.

“I couldn’t trust you, Jide! All the stories I heard about you and the way you went off radar last week–”

“And so you invade my privacy?!”

“Don’t make this about me! It’s about you and how you can’t stay faithful!”

I laugh. I’m dazed. My girlfriend is crazy and I’m officially scared of her.

“Wow.” I can’t take my eyes off her. She’s heartbroken; she has every right to be but to spy on me? I’m sorry fam, I can’t take that. It’s a deal breaker.

But I’m crazy about this woman. And even now I just want to hold her and kiss her and tell her I’m sorry. I want to tell her I love her honey-brown eyes. I want to tell her to smile because there’s something about it that makes me feel like the world is at peace with me.

However, the words that come out of my mouth baffle me.

“I know I screwed up, Honey. And I’m sorry but you spying on me scares the hell out of me and makes me wonder about your maturity and emotional state of mind–”

“Fuck you!” She thumps my chest but loses steam immediately and begins to cry dejectedly. I reach out to her but she moves back. “I hate you. Just go to hell or-or just go and fall off a cliff or something…”

She storms into my bedroom and the door slams after her with spite. I hear a click, indicating she has locked herself in. I decide not to beg her because well, my pride has taken over my reasoning. She owes me an apology as well.

I turn on my games console and lie on my favorite couch. I realize my phone is in the room where I dumped it together with my wallet; but I refuse to go get it.

“When you vex finish, na you go carry your own two legs commot,” I say out loud but I don’t think she hears me because she seems to be hitting something in the room. I ignore and wait for her to come to her senses.

“You go tire.”

And that is how the whole night goes by without her leaving the confines of my bedroom. I fall asleep, my control pad in my hand. I wake up to some noise and realize the day is yet to break. I’m shutting my eyes back in sleep but a blast of bright light intrudes. I open my eyes and see Honey standing in the sitting room. She is dressed up, all bathed and fresh. Her box stands beside her and her handbag hanging off her shoulder.

“Where are you going by this time?” I ask.

“It’s five in the morning and I’m going to the park to get a vehicle to Warri to visit my dad.”

“I thought that wasn’t until the weekend.”

“I can’t stay here,” she almost interrupts me.


“Why?” she scoffs. “Because we’re over.”

I swing my legs to the cold floor. “What did you just say?”

“We are over, Jideofor.”

Mehn, this babe dey vex o. Just like that?

“Sugams, what’s wrong with you nau?” I question, walking towards her. “Just that little fight and you want to leave me?”

She pushes her hand into her handbag and pulls out something I vaguely recognize. It isn’t until she dumps it in my hand that I get to know it used to be my phone. She seems to have smashed it with something heavy. Phone that I bought for almost two hundred grand.

“Honey, why?” I’m dumbfounded.

“That’s what my heart looks like right now.”

And with that, she turns away and leaves the house, and I’m standing here with my mouth wide open like what the hell just happened. It takes me several minutes to get over the shock and anger she has just left me in. When I finally sit down, I start to laugh as my inner voice asks me why I like impossible women. I really don’t know why. If there’s no drama, she’s not worth my time. And it seems Honey has a lot of madness in her.

Anyways, I’m going to miss her and it will sting badly because it appears that I’m beginning to love her.


image credits:,,



Sally is the author of the Fish Brain series and Boys With Toys. She has written other online series like The Immortals’ Code, No heart Feelings, Novocaine Knights, To Tame a Virgin and In Pursuit of Kyenpia. She lives in Lagos with her husband and kids and loves the occasional bar lounging with friends. She blogs on or you can follow her on Twitter @NovocainKnights


  1. Jide – all you have to do is obey mummy and implement her advice abi na command – “BURN TARELA’S OTUMOKPO!!” Dont let it hoodwink you into loosing Honey!

    1. U r 5 episodes behind. Episodes 16 – 20 are up on I had to head over there too when updates stopped coming up on 360nobs. 🙂

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