Sex is an important part of relationship and a key part of marriage. There are however times that you may have a sexless relationship or even more worse, a sexless marriage. The former may be due to certain critical factors ranging from religious and cultural values to inability to gain orgasm and sexual fulfilment while the latter on the other hand may be mainly due to tensions between partners and/or not being generally satisfied with what your partner brings to the bedroom. Furthermore, some people may have a “low sex drive” or libido which may really have nothing to do with their biological wiring but with deep rooted issues that exist between them and their partners.
It is essential you blame yourself less and try to examine the root causes of your inability to have sex. These are five things we believe affects the sex life of couples and which should be openly discussed between partners as it can affect your willingness to have sex and not necessarily your sex drive.
You are angry
It is established that when couples fight, their sex life takes a backseat. Truth is who wants any form of sexual intimacy when they are pissed off? But the question here is how angry are you? Some types of anger can last for weeks, others months or even years. Regardless of how long, you’d probably withhold sex as a weapon to get back at your partner. If you think you can’t hold back your anger and resolve your anger issues through conversation with your spouse, it might be good to seek help through a therapist or someone knowledgeable enough to advice you. Anger has a negative effect not only on your sex life but also on your health and general wellbeing. If it can’t be resolved in a conversation with your husband, then talk to a coach or a therapist. Anger not only affects your sex life, but your health and wellbeing.
You feel controlled
It might seem that your spouse is out rightly controlling you as they appear to tell you what to do at every junction or they appear to be passive aggressive in the way they control you; either is never a nice feeling. From time to time, we may be tempted into the “get it over with,” sex, which is never an enjoyable experience. If one finds out that he/she is being controlled, the only thing you know you can control in such situations is sex. The control of is mostly a subconscious action, but realising that you can take hold of sex gives an immense sense of power in a powerless situation.
You don’t communicate
When you find out that you only communicate with your partner regarding mundane issues like what to wear, what time you got back from work or during marriage you only get to talk about the schedule of your kids or what kind of food to eat, then you might require much more to reignite the sex spark. Every human loves to be appreciated and when you’re told how gorgeous or sexy you look from time to time, it really does go a long way. You can start by telling them how good they look on their way to work and how hot they still look when they get back. Men in particular love their egos to be stroked and by so doing a compliment can be returned too.
You just aren’t attracted to them
Maybe it’s because they have gained some weight since you’ve been with them and their physical appearance is no longer as eye pleasing as it was. It is our belief that every couple should strive to ensure that their appearances are top notch so that their attraction to each other can remain as it was from the onset. Truth is we all age but the question is what you are doing to remain as attractive as possible. If you think the weight gain is an issue with your spouse, be honest with them and you can suggest a change in lifestyle for the both of you. Being an active couple can really make a difference in your appearances and your communication.
You are stressed
The stress of day to day work activities can tell on your sex life especially when you no longer have time for yourself. It is essential you create at least an hour of your time daily for yourself. It could be to take a walk, go shopping, meditate or pamper yourself.
As humans, we spend a lot of time blaming ourselves for the failings of others such as the lack of romance and sex in our relationships. We sometimes think something is wrong with us because we naturally have a giving spirit. Irregular intimacy in a relationship is however normal but going weeks and months in a relationship or marriage without sex is an indication that something is wrong with the relationship, not you as a person. You can seek help from therapists to help discover what the exact problem is before your relationship goes down south.