The Late Post – A Rundown Of Today’s Major News

share on:

Good evening and welcome to our rundown of today’s major headlines across the nation for February, 16th, 2015. This should be fun, stay with us now and you can’t go wrong.

 

  1. OBASANJO IS NIGERIA’S NUMBER ONE ENEMY – Fayose

Sol: Ekiti State Governor and super sleuth, Mr. Ayodele Fayose has finally figured out Nigeria’s greatest threat. And it is not Boko Haram (Zing!)

H: Wait. But how can Ayodele Fayose say a thing as that? Hay. The young aren’t scared of the old again. How can he call OBJ a confusionist?

Sol: Baba has mind control abilities. Simples. Just out there messing up people’s heads.

H: Me I don’t want to say anything but how can Fayose say OBJ is fighting GEJ because GEJ did not allow him rule from his farm in Ota? Well sha…

  1. OBASANJO TEARS PDP CARD

Sol: They haven’t seen anything. OBJ (former President and public enemy number one according to Fayose) has ripped up his party membership card like eeznuffin.

H: Omo. But why did OBJ tear his membership card? What examples are these leaders setting for younger generations? I’m just weak.

Sol: You worry too much, that’s old people behavior. Very mature. Because just resigning and walking away with your maturity not in doubt is too mainstream.

H: But it’s understandable sha. Yknow, if he had just resigned, the PDP might not have taken him seriously, hence the tearing. Now they know he’s for real.

Sol: We like OBJ’s drama and actions. No jokes.

  1. OBASANJO IS NOT GOD – GEJ

Sol: See, I dunno how I feel about this. It’s like everything I believed is a lie. I dunno.

H: Why? GEJ is a good christain. He has only shown in recent times how much he believes in the Almighty. Why fault his statement? Why?

Sol: *Sighs*

H: Don’t you remember that other time Wande Coal said to Don Jazzy “you are not God you can’t stop me?” Ehen. It’s a similar thing nau, only in a slightly different circumstance.

Sol: But how did Femi Fani Kayode become bold as to utter the words “…most importantly the days of intimidating others with his harsh words and overbearing influence are long over. Obasanjo is not God”?

H: I have no idea. I just know that FFK is the real MVP. Anyways, there’s more violent behavior than OBJ’s. Apparently, someone sent his neighbor to the great beyond with a pair of scissors.

  1. MAN KILLS NEIGHBOR WITH A PAIR OF SCISSORS

Sol: I’m tired of our people. Frankly.

H: This country, her people are too mean to one another. Why?

Sol: I’m just here wondering. But then dyou know how determined you have to be to kill someone with a pair of scissors though? Or how frustrated? That guy should be in solitary when he docks at Kirikiri, I’ll say.

H: Nigerians are not frustrated. Who told you he will make Kirikiri? You are too hasty in your conclusions. He only used a pair of scissors o, he’s not really a killer. Maybe it was an accident. There’s a big difference, it’s just like saying stealing and corruption are the same. You can’t say that.

Sol: Lmao. Semantics. The guy’s probably already chilling in Kirikiri.

  1. FEMALE SUICIDE BOMBER KILLS 10, INJURES 31 IN DAMATURU

H: *Sighs*

Sol: This is just sad on all fronts. INEC didn’t postpone the elections for this rubbish to continue.

H: I’m getting you. Saddest part is the soldiers that we get to lose every other day at the war front. God keep us.

Sol: Well, only 5 weeks left till the war ends. Our thoughts and prayers go out to those affected.

  1. NAIRA TO BE DEVALUED EVEN FURTHER TO SAVE IT

H: The CBN told investors not to panic when we hit an all-time low of 206 against the dollars. Should we really not panic? I’m asking for an investor friend.

Sol: I’m not an Economics buff, but they’re actually gonna have to devalue the naira even further and that’s the CBN’s intervention strategy. Nope, this isn’t confusing at all.

H: No it isn’t. Not after Godwin Emiefele admitted that “we are not in the best of times but there’s no need to panic”.

Sol: The naira is dropping faster than our politicians can fill up Ghana-must-go bags with it. See, I don’t wanna raise kids in this economy. TBH.

H: Well, I think there’s not much crime in filling up GMG bags, long as it is not a corrupt act it’s fine. Or are you implying that you know more than the President? Are you implying that he is clueless?

Sol: Don’t put words in my mouth, biko.

  1. CUSTOMS WITHDRAWN FROM THE BORDERS, APC CRIES WOLF (SORRY, FOUL)

H: I totally have no idea what this is about. Help me out here.

Sol: The APC has raised concerns over ‘strange’ order removing Customs and Immigration officers from the nation’s borders at Kebbi and Katsina states.

H: Wonderful.

Sol: It’s seen as a ploy by PDP to ensure the region is unsafe for people to come out and vote as the threat of Boko Haram will keep them away.

H: I see. In the end, let’s see how much they achieve with all of this.

Sol: Wait, aren’t we supposedly waging an offensive at the moment? Why are our borders unmanned?

H: Hommy, if you ask me na who I go ask?

 

***
Thanks for reading this edition of The Late Post. Join us tomorrow night for something even more amazing. Good night, world.

 

Written by: @Soloxpress and @ChibuzoHI.

 

Henry Igwe

Henry Igwe

Copywriter. Sanguine. God understands me.

5 comments

Leave a Reply