The Late Post – A Rundown Of Today’s Major News For February, 19th, 2015

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Good evening. Welcome to our rundown of the major headlines across the nation for today February, 19th, 2015.

 

  1. NASS APPROVES PENSION FOR LIFE FOR PRESIDENT, VP, SENATE PRESIDENT AND SPEAKER

Sol: This country is really a movie.

H: An action movie of sorts, some Box Office hit even.

Sol: So, yeah…basically, their already huge chunks of the national cake will keep on coming as it is. Interesting!

H: Interesting indeed

Sol: I wanna be President, yo.

H: It’s a great thing. But you must have served your tenure fully without impeachment or removal to benefit what the NASS approves. But then, does a failed President whom we have denounced publicly whilst in power also count as ‘serving’?

Sol: Good point, though I guess not.

 

  1. BROMATE OR NOT, BREAD IS SET TO RISE

Sol: But man, look at that. Like things aren’t already hard as they were. Now we gotta stress over bread too?

H: These people, I don’t know what their problems are. How can the price of bread just rise like that?

Sol: Usual suspects. Inflation and other things saddled with our naira’s free fall that we most likely don’t give a hoot about. TBH.

H: After all these grammar you have spoken will bread still be available for me to eat beans when I want? Please.

Sol: SMH.

  1. MAN SHALL NOT LIVE BY MEAT ALONE

H: What did Yahaya think he was doing with nine rams and four cows belonging to another man? Meat worth as much as .83million naira. Is that how a child of God should behave?

Sol: Just goes to show you how much hunger people are having to grapple with out there man.

H: But how dyou just think up a plan as greedy as stealing nine rams and four cows? Why not steal maybe chicken or goats?

Sol: Any chance homeboy just has that many mouths to feed?

H: Perhaps so. Because, father of all nations maybe.

  1. UNIDENTIFIED PLANE BOMBS FUNERAL AT NIGERIA-NIGER BORDER, 30 DEAD

Sol: Sounds like something from an episode of Homeland Season 4. But this isn’t a movie. It isn’t.

H: How dyou go to a funeral and bombard as much as 36 people though? Where is the fear of God in you? Sad.

Sol: This whole thing is still shrouded in secrecy though, as no army within the region has taken responsibility for the strike as the joint military offensive against BH intensifies.

H: The provisional toll is 36 dead and 24 wounded on the village of Abadam-Niger. There’s really no rationale. None.

Sol: The Mayor of the Niger village, Abadam, is certain we are responsible though. He says the plane had the visibly Green colour, and that it’s most likely from Nigeria.

H: Sad shame. Anyways whilst we wait on that for fuller reports, have you heard what the President’s kinsman is doing? He must think himself an inspector at the Ministry of Education.

 

  1. A GEJ KINSMAN ASKS COURT TO DISQUALIFY BUHARI OVER CREDENTIALS

Sol: LMAO. This life, where will we find chill?

H: Quite the rhetorical question, yo. It’s a good move from the kinsman though.

Sol: Talk about brother’s keeper. A little too far, what you think?

H: See, the kinsman is only protecting their own. It is understandable, not everybody is like Cain in the Holy Book.

Sol: This whole thing is one big comedy show. What will we do when the election season ends, man?

H: We stay fingers crossed for Season 2 in the coming elections. But let’s move on. You see, I’m confused as per this new PVC drama everywhere. Beyond confused

Sol: You spoke my mind.

 

  1. NO PVC, NO COMMUNION – Cleric

H: *Sighs*

Sol: This needs to be right up there with the Ten Commandments. Let the people say AMEN!

H: *Ignores him*

Sol: On the real though, Reverend Uma Ukpai is not fooling around with this. Price of bread about to hit the clouds – and we know what that means for communion. The good ol’ Reverend wants folks to ensure they possess the tool to vote in the right government so that daily bread doesn’t run out. This is not rocket science, really.

H: I see what you did there: Bread. Communion. Daily bread. Touche!

 

  1. MILITARY KILLS 300 BH TERRORISTS, LIBERATES 11 COMMUNITIES

H: Looks like we are winning the war.

Sol: Naturally. We’d better be winning, I mean. There’s only about 5 weeks left to kick out these terrorists.

H: Telling you. In all though, quite some positive news from the DHQ about those North East zones.

Sol: Just so you know GEJ isn’t fooling around, take a look at this yo… *moves to next headline*

 

  1. JONATHAN INAUGURATES FOUR NN SHIPS, VOWS TO ROUT BH OUT

Sol: See, this is all that really matters in the world right now. Please.

H: What’s getting you excited?

Sol: Things just got real, I tell you.

H: What have the NN ships done that you are elated about?

Sol: Two words, fam: War. Ships. Four of that. Them BH boys haven’t got anything on us.

H: Well, war ships won’t power themselves. The military still needs be equipped. All I’m saying.

Sol: Cheer up man, will you? We’re winning the war. End.

H: Hopefully.

 

 

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Thanks for reading this edition of The Late Post. Join us tomorrow night for another round up. See you on the flip side.

 

Written by: @Soloxpress and @ChibuzoHI.

 

 

 

 

Henry Igwe

Henry Igwe

Copywriter. Sanguine. God understands me.

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