The Late Post – A Rundown Of Today’s Major News For February 18th, 2015

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Hello, hello! Welcome. Here are our major headlines across the nation for today February, 18th, 2015.

 

  1. WE LACK INSTITUTIONS AND SYSTEMS TO PREVENT CORRUPTION – NOI

Sol: So, yeah…basically, stealing is not corruption, or whatever that is.

H: Wait. What is she implying again? Don’t we have the EFCC and ICPC? These people… Shucks.

 

  1. I DID NOT SPEND N10 BILLION RENTING JETS. THEY CAN’T BE SERIOUS – ALISON MADUEKE

Sol: I can see why he loves her – Pure class.

H: Ermm, who loves her again?

Sol: Dude… why are you trying to put words in my mouth though? Who else? Her husband loves her very much, thank you.

H: LMAO. Okay. She did say she had to sell off her official one as it was more cost-effective to rent. Then she adds that they are fabricating this story, and that she did not spend N10b on renting jets. And I believe her. Why are Nigerians lying against her?

Sol: What are you on about?

H: Detractors are trying to defame her for rising up and bringing about change in the oil sector. W        hy? People lease jets all over the world; it is more cost-effective than buying. Why are Nigerians complaining?

Sol: N10b was spent somehow sha, right? She said she could have bought 3 jets with that sum.

H: DAM, far as I’m concerned, has improved the oil sector in accordance with global best practice. I don’t know what you’re on about as per N10b.

Sol: Yknow what, you are right. She can’t do wrong. N10b rental jets, exotic bullet proof cars and all; I guess these things are mythical. Whoever made them up?

H: I’m just here wondering and asking same question as you, hommy.

 

  1. TINUBU – THE BRAND STRATEGIST WE NEVER KNEW ALL ALONG

H: What dyou make of this?

Sol: I’m sure Tinubu wants a lot of things. But do these people have their PVCs though?

H: See, Tinubu knows the best way to project the APC brand. He has been a key figure in Lagos for years, in and out of office. He knows that they need and have gotten their PVCs. He’s just advocating for more grassroots involvement. End.

Sol: Really?

H: Yea. And he added that they have to be aggressive. Note the key word “aggressive”.

Sol: We are not about to have another Okrika shut down now, are we?

H: Only the APC can answer that, yo.

 

  1. YOUNG NIGERIANS HAVE US TO THANK, WE ARE THE BEST ADMINISTRATION TILL DATE – NOI

Sol: Well, this is reassuring. Feels like all our struggles are about to be over, fam.

H: Madam Economy isn’t fooling around though. They’re gonna give us houses to live in and jobs to pay for such houses, man. The Nigerian dream is coming alive! In those houses, we will also not be spending on fuel or diesel for generators because power will never blink.

Sol: Any plans of throwing in a wife and some paid honeymoon trips in between to sweeten the deal though?

H: Dude… Yesterday, we resolved that Patience is a virtue. And that in fact, she is the First Lady. Relax. Just relax.

Sol: LMAO. I will.

 

  1. 28 YEAR OLD MAN SENTENCED TO 6 DAYS COMMUNITY SERVICE FOR STEALING POT OF SOUP IN LAGOS.

H: LMAO. This life, where is the chill?

Sol: Just look at that. Hunger game so strong people are actually pulling off a break in and entry to retrieve pots of soup. What is this life?

H: I’m just confused. N8000 Pot of Egusi is what an able-bodied Nigerian went to steal? Nah, these are end times.

Sol: Sigh. But community service though, what are they gonna make him do, wash plates, or cut grasses?

H: Methinks they should just forgive and forget. The court and the owner of the ‘large pot of soup’ should just forgive the guy, yknow, seeing as he claims to have committed the offence due to starvation.

Sol: You are spot on!

 

  1. SHEKAU THREATENS TO DISRUPT POLLS

Sol: Plain old sass, right?

H: I’m just confused. Dude be threatening all manner of things in his video. Nuisance!

Sol: That’s another problem right there. How are these guys able to post these videos from their desert locations and I can’t have decent wifi to download movies optimise processes at work?

H: Right question. But I’m thinking they operate definitely not with these Naija networks.

Sol: Back to the polls. Not sure Shekau has seen the news though. The authorities moved the elections and set a timeline to take out you and your crew and you’re out posting vines?

H: Dude thinks we’re playing here. The guts though, he must think of this as some Homeland-Nicholas Brody sh*t. Quite unfortunate.

 

  1. DOOR-TO-DOOR SEARCH FOR EBOLA VICTIMS IN SIERRA LEONE

Sol: This is serious. How incredible!

H: Guy! This is no joke. When there is a spike in cases attributed to unsafe burials and patients are constantly hidden from the authorities, only a door-to-door check suffices. IMO.

Sol: These guys though. Are they informed down there in S’Leone at all? Do they not understand the importance of updating the health authorities in suspected cases of Ebola?

H: My exact worries. A nation of only 6 million people, something like the population of Ogun State and/ or Ibadan, if they can’t keep the outbreak in check then they are silly. All I’m saying.

 

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Thanks for reading this edition of The Late Post. Join us tomorrow night for another round up. See you on the flip side.

 

Written by: @Soloxpress and @ChibuzoHI.

 

 

 

Henry Igwe

Henry Igwe

Copywriter. Sanguine. God understands me.

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