Good evening and welcome to our rundown of today’s major headlines across the nation for February, 17th, 2015. This should be fun, stay with us now and you can’t go wrong.
- MILITARY EMBARRASED BY OBJ’S BEHAVIOUR – DEFENCE HEADQUARTERS
SOL: This guy is just gonna be in the news everyday now, isn’t he? Urrgh!
H: Appears everyone wants to have a shot at OBJ today, and it’s not like he’s done anything unusual though. I’m just lost.
SOL: Nope, completely normal behaviour. He’s only being accused of alleging that the postponement of the general elections was to enable President Jonathan use the service chiefs to plot his tenure extension.
H: I see. Interesting.
Sol: Pot. Kettle. Black.
H: You know this!
- THOUSANDS MARCH AGAINST BOKO HARAM IN NIGER
H: It’s amazing.
Sol: Wait… First off, is it general opinion around these parts that these miscreants are based in neighbouring Niger, Chad and Cameroun?
H: What do you mean? Like, they’re playing host yet coming out in public to protest against BH?
SOL: Check out the reports, fam. They claim the BH Islamists launch deadly raids on their country from their “neighbouring base in Nigeria.” I’m confused. The cheek of it!
H: These are strange times indeed.
- APC GUBER RALLY IN OKRIKA HOLDS AMIDST GUNSHOTS AND EXPLOSIVES
Sol: Shots fired!
H: Just look at all this ‘anyhowness’. Just because, lawless society and things.
Sol: Nope, it’s not really a rally without the customary gunshots and crowd frenzy. Proper rally right there.
H: I see what you did with the shots fired. Spot on.
- NIGERIA’S CHOICES ARE CRAPPY – NEW YORK TIMES
H: These Americans sef, just outchea doing oversabi. Who told them our choices are crappy?
Sol: Lol. They say we’re stuck between electing a lousy incumbent and a former autocrat.
H: Can you imagine?
Sol: See, I’m just here wondering, what do the other 12 aspirants have to do to get any recognition though?
H: LMAO. They had probably run out of adjectives for the rest 12, TBH.
- COURT FINES SCOAN N25K FOR DELAYING SUIT HEARING
Sol: Look at that. What’s N25K worth these days though? Have you seen the current exchange rates?
H: This right there, a slap on the wrist; if there ever was one.
Sol: Initial fines, man. I imagine the slap will be weightier eventually.
H: Oh, alright then.
- SOLDIERS KILL FIVE YOUTHS IN MAIDUGURI
Sol: Ah, I see the war on terror is taking a new turn.
H: The nerve on those youths though. How’d they think confronting an army convoy would pan out? Too much guts, that?
Sol: See, these guys live in the midst of all the BH action. It’s easy to get carried away and think that ‘the army is your friend’.
H: They have been seeing too many action movies. IMO.
- AY WRITES IGP ON PIRACY OF HIS MOVIE
Sol: And the season of open letters lives on. Nigerians, steady showing no chill. Amazing!
H: Hommy wrote an open letter to the IGP seeing as his new movie ‘30 Days in Atlanta’ had been hijacked by pirates.
Sol: *side eyes Alaba boys*
H: They won’t let a brother be great. This is bad behaviour.
- FIGHTING TERRORISM, INSURGENCY NOT FOOTBALL – PRESIDENCY TELLS EZEKWESILI
H: The Presidency is on some Super Sports – UCL state of mind right now, bruh. Why can’t aunty Oby see this?
Sol: These people think we are playing here. #BringBackOurGirlsPlease.
H: Lmao. Be nice, the President is doing his best. Don’t you know that Sambisa is dangerous?
Sol: See ehn, BBOG or nothing. No more excuses. If this was even a football match we’d all be miserably bored by now. Wait… we’re bored now even. BBOG already.
H: Well… Patience is a virtue. Beyond that, she’s your First Lady so chill you must. All I’m saying.
Sol: God help us as a nation.
Thanks for reading this edition of The Late Post. Join us tomorrow night for something even more amazing. Good night, world.
Written by: @Soloxpress and @ChibuzoHI.