Welcome to our rundown of the big stories that made the rounds for yesterday and today.
- KESHI PROMISES BURKINA FASO WORLD CUP GLORY
Sol: I’m confused. Didn’t NFF just offer this guy a new deal?
Sol: How is he able to still brag after failing to qualify us for AFCON 2015?
H: I sincerely have no clue whatsoever. Clear case of a god getting no honor in his home?
Sol: god? Please. Well, he’s hotly tipped to get the nod for the Burkina Faso job though, so you may have a point.
H: I always have a point.
- GUNMEN KIDNAP 80 YEAR OLD AMERICAN MISSIONARY IN KOGI
Sol: Pretty sure those guys missed the point on ‘high value targets’.
H: I hope she is not trying to pull a Daniel-In-The-Lion’s Den type something with them, yo?
Sol: She knows better.
H: Reverend obviously underestimated the people of Kogi
Sol: On the real though, there will be no ransom. The FBI, Homeland Security, The USMC, CIA, Navy Seals and all of America’s military are really gonna come into town for these miscreants now. Talk about being screwed.
H: Indeed. You think there’s CCTV and electricity and all of that to aid their pursuit? Welcome.
Sol: Satellite feed, bruh. This is the USA, man. They have a live feed into your mind. End.
H: May the best team win that one
- OBASANJO DESTROYED AN EXPIRED CARD – SECRETARY
Sol: So? What is the point here exactly? OBJ was only acting out a script and is still a member of the party?
H: The PDP is merely being silly. They’re trying to save face.
H: Because it’s really just crazy. Who gives a man in OBJ’s mould a membership card with validity period? Please let’s behave ourselves here.
Sol: Politicians say a lotta things, man.
H: Let’s move on.
Sol: Ahn ahn. Are you angry? LMAO.
- NAFDAC SEIZES SWEETS AND CANDIES WORTH N2.5MILLION
H: Fake confectionery is the real threat today so they’re clamping down on dealers. Progressive Nigeria is here, can you see?
Sol: N2.5m worth though? Sigh. These people trying to make junkies out of our kids?
H: How does consuming sweet stuff make you an addict? Are you like what, a clown now?
Sol: Nah. NAFDAC knows best, fam.
H: Let’s believe so. Meanwhile did you catch the news of the FG wanting to build N300bn housing estates across the nation?
Sol: Nope. What’s that about?
H: Never mind. They’re promising us highly affordable, low-income houses across the country. But never mind.
- TRANSPORT FARE STILL HIGH AS A KITE
Sol: These drivers aren’t fooling around, man. Everyone knows the cardinal rule with T-fare: Once it gets raised, you never go back.
H: As you know.
- MAN IN POLICE CUSTODY FOR SELLING SON
H: LMAO. Sad shame.
Sol: Why are we even reporting a Nollywood script as news? That’s what I want to know.
H: But this is the news, yo.
Sol: Shucks! Hommy really took an ailing child to a healer and returned with payment not a cured kid?
H: He did. Then the plot thickened
Sol: Jehovah take control.
H: *Sprinkles holy water around and moves side to side in a White Garment-induced frenzy*
- KIDNAPPERS OF AMERICAN MISSIONARY DEMAND N60M FOR HER RELEASE
Sol: They still haven’t let the old white lady go yet?
H: Why are you asking me as if I sent them?
Sol: LMAO. Observe some chill.
H: *Ignores him*
Sol: But what do they want from her though?
H: They mean business apparently
Sol: What dyou mean business? What kind of business? The kind where you exchange old white ladies for N60m? They must be high on something,
H: I will confirm and let you know if they are when next I’m in that town.
- 15,000 GHOST PENSIONERS COLLECT N2BILLION ANNUALLY – NOI
Sol: I’m afraid for Nigeria. When will we make it?
H: Quite the rhetorical question. Does it look like we can still make it in this dispensation?
Sol: And we have real pensioners waiting and begging to get paid their due. What is this life?
H: A beach, that’s what this life is.
Sol: But what are ghosts gonna do with all that money though? That’s just over N130k per ghost. Money they don’t need…
H: But you can’t say… The ghosts might be trying to take their riches to a place where neither moth nor thief can destroy. Yknow, because biblical.
Sol: You always turn everything into a big joke. This is the News, behave.
H: LMAO. Forgive me.
- GUNMEN KIDNAP ANOTHER EDUCATIONIST IN KOGI
Sol: It appears kidnapping aged women in the hope of scoring some ridiculous ransom is the new cool in Kogi state? No chill
H: They are very stupid. Young men will just wake up and deem kidnapping the way out. Such losers!
Sol: This needs be nicked in the bud before it becomes a trend
H: Hopefully. Or we should really just cc @twitter and tell to ban any hashtag on there, and in turn kill the trending
Sol: Well, not out of place though.
- MAN GETS SIX MONTH FOR STEALING iPhone 6
H: LMAO. I’m doubtful we will make it in this dispensation. *Rolls off laughing*
Sol: Quite the unusual stuff.
H: What happened to all the ex governors? Please.
Sol: I don’t see that the judge had much of a choice
H: Indeed. How fair and just a sentence
Sol: See, this ‘lawyering’ thing is just easy. Nick an iphone and you get a sentence with a 6 on it.
H: LMAO. *Binds and casts the spirit of pickpocket around*
Thanks for reading. Join us tomorrow evening. Good night.
Written by: @Soloxpress & @ChibuzoHI