Welcome once more. Here you go, a quick rundown of the major headlines for yesterday and today.
- WOMAN STEALS BRAZILIAN HAIR WORTH N3MILLION, LANDS IN COURT
H: Ladies and Gents, are you people sure we can do this tonight? Sure? N3M. Brazilian hair. What madness, please?
H: The part of the diamond heist is quite understandable. But hair? Brazilian and Indian hair? Please let’s behave ourselves here.
Sol: Lowkey though, do these things really cost that much? How is a woman able to wear a car’s worth on her hair? I’m worried.
H: There’s a mention of diamond or so right there. You didn’t see that?
Sol: I see. Ms. Amadi may have just pulled off the heist of the decade. Whatever happened to just growing your hair or carrying some low cut?
H: People of these days, they don’t like to cut their hair anymore. Because, Samson and Delilah.
- ELECHI MAY GET THE BOOT SOON – PDP SCRIBE
Sol: The many old people who can no longer wield controlling interest in the party are either undermining or ditching the party, bruh.
H: *No comments*
Sol: You gotta give it to OBJ though, the man knows how to work up a trend.
H: *Ignores him again*
Sol: Elechi has been accused of throwing his weight behind the Labour Party candidate because he wasn’t allowed to choose his successor.
H: Anyways, methinks the Apostle believes Elechi to be in love with another. They deem him a wrong disciple owing to his dining on same table with the opposition. The PDP is only being cautious. Because, betrayal.
Sol: Anybody else sense a De Javu moment coming up? Like, hommy just gonna ditch them publicly before they throw him out. Preemptive strike.
H: *Opens dictionary in search of ‘De Jau’*
- VOTE PDP AND WE’LL FREE YOU FROM BONDAGE– GEJ
Sol: What a great campaign point!
H: Has he freed the Chibok girls? Does Lagos look like a state under siege? Please sit, sir.
Sol: Fashola be like “ Nah, we good hommy”.
H: I understand that this is election period and people can say all sorts. But how dyou look at Fashola’s Lagos and say she is in bondage?
Sol: Maybe… err, traffic.
H: Behave yourself. Please.
- TERRORIST DISGUISED AS WOMAN IN BAGA, PLANS FOILED
H: I’m tired of this nation. *Sighs*
Sol: Dude tried to pull an Alamieyesegha. Epic fail!
H: We look like we are acting a movie here? Ndi ala!
- ATTENTION! MAN AND ANIMALS CANNOT LIVE TOGETHER AGAIN IN LAGOS – LASEPA
Sol: They are trying to take away our pets, man.
H: I’m tired of the Black man. Animals have a right too. I’m really tired.
Sol: Saying things like “animal waste is dangerous to humans”. These people though.
H: Hoping this decree doesn’t affect goats sha.
Sol: See, here’s how I see it. Let’s just get rid of the cats and keep the dogs. Everybody knows cats are useless anyway.
H: Goats must also stay. Please. Because I just can’t deal. Are you trying to send beer parlor businesses into extinction?
Sol: Mhen, I dunno what to say to that.
H: Your silence on this goat plea is understandable, after all what are you a teetotaler for?
Sol: Still, dunno what to say about this. We are fighting to keep dogs in our homes and you’re here making a case for goats as well.
H: LMFAO. Forgive me.
- LET THERE BE WIFI – Senate
Sol: Any chance these people really care about us? They are trying to give us broadband, yo.
H: Let them show care in better ways. Power should precede internet. Let’s stop joking abeg.
- MET BUHARI, JONATHAN IS NEXT – Blair
Sol: Yo. Tony Blair is trying to hang with the big boys, innit?
H: What dyou mean? How much does GEJ or Buhari have?
Sol: Maybe not so much, but definitely more than Blair.
H: Huh? How much is Buhari’s net worth? How much does GEJ earn per year?
Sol: *No comments”
- ME OWING TAX IS IMPOSSIBLE – Jimi Agabaje
H: What did Uncle Jimi do to them that they are trying to bring him down?
Sol: Direct that question to the appropriate quarters. Do an official email and copy Uncle Fash.
H: My internet is out. Do it on my behalf. Kind regards.
- IN OBASANJO FARMS BIRD FLU IS A MYTH – FG
H: Just what I thought they’d do.
Sol: Because the fear of the General, the beginning of wisdom.
- NIGERIANS WILL BE SORRY IF BUHARI WINS – Fasheun
Sol: What a statement! Is he God? How does he know?
H: Hommy, let’s run through the next headline abeg.
Sol: Why? Don’t be scared to speak out, especially when someone is speaking ill of another.
H: *Ignores him*
- FG PLANNING STAGE DRAMA WITH SHEKAU LOOK-ALIKE – APC
H: Where and when is this scheduled to hit the cinemas?
Sol: Silly! There are rumors that there could be a fake Shekau.
H: Wonderful. Where did they find that fake one from?
Sol: Absolutely no idea. We here it’s a ploy by the FG though
H: Are they now saying that GEJ wants to bribe the fake Shekau to come out and say Buhari is their founder member?
Sol: Something in that light.
H: Nigeria, sometimes you see how things play out and you just shed a few tears in despair.
Sol: *Hands him white handkerchief*
Thanks for reading. Join us tomorrow evening. Good night.
Written by: @Soloxpress & @ChibuzoHI