People speak of vaginas quietly and respectfully, as if they were a congresswoman giving a commencement speech at a particularly uptight college. But in reality, vaginas are more like the most intriguing guest at your dinner party.
It can change her own tires and put on eyeliner without a mirror. Trust me, it isn’t all flower metaphors and soft New Age music, your vagina is super cool. If she were a person, you’d be desperate to be her friend.
So instead of talking about how your vagina is a unique magical flower, or using the phrase “exquisitely sensitive,” let’s talk about all the weirdest, coolest stuff your vagina is capable of doing.
1) Superhuman Strength
Have you ever really thought about the mechanics of giving birth? Like, really thought about how it works? If you haven’t had a kid yourself, odds are you just know that a doctor yells Push, a baby comes out. But much of that ”pushing” that gets a baby from Point A to Point Out in the World is actually done by the walls of your vagina, which are all muscle.
Your vaginal walls are made of contractile tissue tissue used to form muscle. That’s why you can’t get “loose,” and it’s also why you can make your vagina stronger through exercise [Kegel].
2) Scent Secreting Codes
Though you may not do enough rabbit poses in yoga to get a consistent whiff of your lady bits every day, the scent of your vagina does change throughout the month. These scent changes are caused by fluctuations in your vagina’s pH levels, levels which can change after you get your period, or if you happen to get some semen up in there.
So if you’ve just had unprotected sexual intercourse with a penis, or just had your period, your vagina may have a different scent than it normally does. Other research suggests that your vaginal scent might change while ovulating, or while you’re on the pill.
So basically, your vagina is communicating secrets via code all over the place!
3) Reliable Protector
How come you never have to scrub out the inside of your vagina to keep it clean? Because your vagina keeps itself clean, baby. Your vagina maintains its own cleanliness through a complex collection of bacteria, tough little brawlers who will do anything to protect their turf: they help maintain pH balance to ensure that the vagina can fight infections; they produce naturally occurring antibiotics called bacteriocins that can kill any foreign bacteria that dares to wander into your vagina; and they produce substances that make it difficult for foreign bacteria to take hold on your vaginal walls.
4) Never Lets You Down
Yeah, fine, your body releases endorphins in a lot of situations; like after a good jog, while eating chocolate, while laughing. But there is no organ so consistently able to deliver the goods as your vagina.
Whether your orgasms come from your vagina, or her friendly neighbour the clit, orgasms can be relied on to dump endorphins into your bloodstream, as well as other hormones, which can make you feel contented and relaxed.
5) The Only Organ That Can Bleed For Weeks Without Dying
The average woman expels one to two ounces of blood over the course of a week’s menstruation, all while still going about her daily business of murdering crime bosses or attending her contemporary seminar or what-have-you. That’s a kind of power you can’t buy.
6) Mutant-Level Self-Healing Abilities
Have you ever notice how, when you get a paper cut that wound is open for days; but if you bang up your vagina a little bit while banging, your cave of mysteries feels better in just a few hours?
That’s because your vagina is one of the most quick-healing areas of your body, and the occasional small superficial cut that intercourse can leave on your vagina will usually heal within a day or two. Even when vaginas are torn during childbirth, they can usually heal within a few weeks.
Am I saying that your vagina is basically Wolverine? Yes, I am basically saying that your vagina is Wolverine. Now, what you do with that information is up to you but please don’t start a crime-fighting team based around vagina super powers … oh! My hand no dey oooh!