#RIPJoanRivers: 25 Of Joan River’s Funniest Jokes

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Popular comedienne Joan Rivers passed on Thursday, at the age of 81.

In memory of the legendary Fashion Police host, here are 25 of the funniest things to ever come out of her mouth.


1. “I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

2. “I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.”

3. “My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, ‘Pick up, I know you’re there.'”

4. “The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery.”

5. “I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

6. “You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it.”

7. “No more Botox for me. Betty White’s bowels move more than my face.”

8. “The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I’ve been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.”

9. “I can’t wear yellow anymore. It’s too matchy-matchy with my catheter.”

10. “I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”

11. “If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.”

12. “My vagina is like Newark [New Jersey]. Men know it’s there, but they don’t want to visit.”

13. “I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

14. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”

15. “It’s so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up who.”

16. “She’s so pure, Moses couldn’t even part her knees.”

17. “The only time she (Melissa) really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.”

18. “I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”

19. “My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.”

20. “I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.”

21. “I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer’s.Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.”

22. “I try to be as nice to her as I possibly can, because one day I may need part of her liver.”

23. “At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.”

24. “My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”

25. “Till I was 9, my mother was still trying to get an abortion. That stuff sticks with you.”

RIP Joan Rivers.



Quo non Ascendam. Writer. E-mail: wana@360nobs.com

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