Lamentations Of An Ugly Girl – Episode 19 (#LOAUG)

share on:

“You know when I moved out of my parents, twenty four, everyone had my head on the plate, the things they said ehn, I will be promiscuous, nobody will want to marry me, it’s a taboo so, so and so, I still left them o” she lamented.

“now I’m somewhere in my early 30’s and there are no prospects of marriage sef. It’s now almost as if success is a bad thing. You know if it where that I was the attendant of this beer parlour, do you know how many guys would have hit on me by now?” I stared on as I couldn’t believe and understand why she was telling me these things. In what seemed like a moment of truth , she said “look at me ttelling you stuff, I should tell God”. Deep-throated-laughter from the table beside us caught our attention.

She pulled me close and whispered “let us play a game, its called imagine Africa. I used to do it with my friends way-back in uni, you’d enjoy it.” The game helped me know the fun and pervert side of her, we were imagining the penises of the men at the other table, we would argue on whether it is curved or straight, long or short, fat or thin. When we exhausted the men at the table, we moved to office people, she made a joke about Soliu’s penis looking like him; pencil-like and down cast.

“Oya Tomiwa, you know Tomiwa nah, Elvis’ friend that has an auditing company …” I interrupted.

“Yeah I know him, erm , let’s see,”, the thought of Tomiwa shirtless alone was sending me into some clouds I couldn’t comprehend.

“big and black blacker than tarred road sef with red head” she said smiling

I sipped from the second can of Smirnoff before answering her “ he’s probably small, nobody is perfect, if he is big and all fancy, he’d be perfect which is impossible you know”

“that’s true but that body of his ehn, its like it was made for suits, the first time I saw in a polo shirt, I almost fainted, that guy has me on trips ehn”. I opened my mouth to say ‘who doesn’t’ but I replaced it with laughter.

“and you can help me oo” she continued now seriousness all over her face.

“steal his pin or something from Elvis, I would have asked Elvis but he would…” she would have stated a million reasons before I cut her short saying I’d see what I  can do-n the Nigerian word for “ I most likely won’t do it”

We left the place a few minutes later, our journey home was quite interesting. I found out that she was a sucker for Drake with almost at least two copies of all his albums which she said was because she’d find the pirated one in hold-up traffic even before the original one gets to stores in Nigeria so she’d buy the fake one then buy the original one in Nigeria.

“Take it if you want it” she said as I toyed with the “Nothing Was The Same”. I refused saying I don’t have the patience to listen to a full album which is true.

A few metres before dropping me off, “thanks a lot, I really enjoyed the conversation, my friends cannot say two sentences now without the word husband or fiancé then they start to sympathize with me being single like it’s a terminal disease, you don’t know how long ago I last played imagine the dick with someone thanks again” she said. I felt like pulling her close for a hug before she mentioned that we’d be friends outside work but boss and worker at work. When I dropped she offered me money which I initially refused before she said that I am an undergraduate and any money is useful for an undergraduate. I thanked her and counted the money; three thousand naira.

“This is going to be a great friendship” I muttered under my breath as I opened the door.

“What are you doing here?” I exclaimed as I saw her.

“na so I see am oo” , Viv answered  instead.

“I heard there was a fine man factory so I decided to come and see by myself with my very eyes and I am looking for IT placement sef” Bola replied snatching my bag from me.

“You this small girl, when did you reach Lagos that men are already dropping you off” she continued rummaging through the bag. She first saw the money in my purse and cursed aloud when she saw condoms. “eeeh, tolani” she exclaimed laying stress on the Tolani.

“shut up joor, I was the one that left it there” Bola dismissed her.

Startled, I snatched the bag from Bola, I remembered stealimg the bag from her in her house, I just poured the content on her bed and ran as dfast as I could that very mind flashed through times I had left my bag in the living room in Ibadan. What would my Dad had send if he saw it

“What is all this rubbish nah, u now carry condom dey waka nii” I attacked.

“Prevention, my friend, they say is better than cure. If I don’t take care of me , who will? ” she said laughing.

“abeg, what is there to eat in this house, I asked taking off my shoes.

“your model friend said she cannot eat junk food so I bought nothing”

“eba wey she dey finish for this house serious pass Biafra” we all laughed.

“maybe we can go to Liz’s place since you are here sef” Vivian retorted.

“Yeah” bola and I said in unison.

I went in to change my clothes. By the time I came back, they were eating.

“I just enjoy playing with her mind” Bola said.

“Elvis sef when he comes he still hala for me” viv said.

“Whose mind” I asked.

She was talking about Ijeoma, Elvis fiancée, who always felt threathened by Bola’s presence. She was always over-possessive of Elvis whenever she was around. I wondered why she would even think Bola had eyes for Elvis. Bola was not even Igbo which would a disadvantage for someone who always said “if we had a Biafra, this won’t be happening” almost every time he watched the news. On second thought, anyone would be around Bola because of hearty cheer and her YOLO attitude but beneath it all were principles she’d give her life so as not to break.



MEET T-LINES for the past 13weeks or more you have been reading the escapades and sexcapades of Tolani Gbadamosi popularly known as Lines. Somehow, someway, somewhere in your hearts resonante some sort of emotion albeit love hate, pity and even happiness and i am glad that you have taken this series very seriously and read religiously week in and week out. Now is the time y’all finally meet me. I am Gbadamosi Tolani, a character created by writer Oluwabi Mobolaji,who is a reader’s writer and a writer’s reader and yes I am a guy….. scratch that I am a man before you start with your after thoughts. Surprised ehn. Catch me as I blog irregularly on .follow me on twitter @embijay and keep with the hashtag #loaug while you enjoy the rest of your favorite series. Ciao

1 comment

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.