This article is long in coming. I apologize for the absence.
If you haven’t read my article on orgasms, you can do so here
I’d like to go further with reasons why you are not having orgasms. But before we do so, I’d prefer to explain to you why you shouldn’t ever fake an orgasm. In our times today, there is so much pressure on women and men to act certain ways during sex. This has been heightened by pornography, articles on the web, peer pressure and other forms of sex material we come across daily. There is that need for either of the sexes to be at their top performance when making love and although it is not a bad thing, it should first be noted that sex is not about pressure.
It’s about release, expression, feelings, rest, exhilaration, action, reaction, skill, pleasure and love. If you are not in your place of comfort, you should not be having sex. And when I say comfort, I mean physically, emotionally and psychologically. I prefer to talk about sex in an all-encompassing way. I don’t believe in meaningless or disconnected sex. There should be a deep connection between you and your man during the act. I think it is necessary to understand that once the whole of you is invested in lovemaking, you should leave no room for half-truths. If you are not getting any form of satisfaction from your partner, you should go ahead and tell him.
Do not fake orgasms, ladies. Once you start, you won’t be able to stop. It will not better your sex life, you will be left unsatisfied every single time and you will not help your partner be a better lover. This also can push you to seek your pleasure. I am not against that but if your reason for pleasuring yourself is because your man cannot do so just for the reason that you have been boosting his ego with lies, then you’re going to end up a miserable, unsatisfied, masturbating addict.
I understand your reason could be that you don’t want to hurt his feelings. Good. But not so good in the long run. If you can’t be honest about that little, intimate thing in your life, what does it say about your entire relationship? Do you want to start fantasizing about some mystery man who hits your g-spot? I don’t think so.
Be open and be honest with him. If you are finding it hard having an orgasm, tell him and you two can seek for help. Fortunately, I have come up with some possible reasons why having an orgasm is hard for you.
There’s something in our profession we call a guilty vagina. And it comes in different faces. You could be guilty because you feel that what you’re doing is a sin. Or you could be guilty because you have something you are hiding from your man. Or it could be a past of reckless living or just past abuse, and you still carry the load on your shoulders. These are orgasm killers. You will never get there if you harbor guilt.
- Body Issues
You don’t feel sexy. You want sex with the lights turned off. You’re not confident about your body. You think you have too much fat. You’re not sure your underwear is clean. You’re not sure your vagina is clean. All these issues can keep you from getting to the peak of your sexual pleasure.
- Your Body is a Stranger
How often I have come across women who would tell me “God forbid! I can never touch myself!” And in the end they complain about not being able to enjoy sex or amount to anything in bed. Here’s my thought, regardless of what reasons anyone gives against exploring your body, it was made for you to discover. Take the g-spot, for example, which gives you orgasms. How would your man know where it’s located if you don’t tell him? And how would you know if you don’t discover it by yourself? Not every man is skilled in finding a woman’s g-spot; therefore, it is his woman’s job to let him know what works. But if she doesn’t know anything about her equipment, then it’s a loss for them both, her especially.
- Health Issues
Illnesses like multiple sclerosis and diabetes affect the nerves. This, in turn can cause anorgasmia or make orgasm difficult to attain. Also certain surgeries like when a woman takes out her ovaries or if she undergoes cancer treatment, this might diminish sexual pleasure or even desire.
- Wrong Partner
(Note if you’re married, this point does not apply to you; move to point 6). Above, I talked about being connected to your partner physically, emotionally, psychologically and sometimes spiritually. These are needed most times before you can get there, especially when you’re in a long-term relationship. You have to connect to him in more ways than one. The appeal of one-night stands and quick satisfaction might be exciting but it begins to leave a bad taste in your mouth. We women are creatures of love and affection. In our twenties, we could indulge in meaningless sex but as we get older and more sexually liberated and stimulated, we search for something more meaningful and deeper. From your man, you need and have to give total sex of the mind, of the heart and of the body. Anything less can leave you unsatisfied.
- Unskilled Lover
It could be that you have the right partner but he’s seven years away from doing it good for you. He might not necessarily be a one-minute man and may even last long in bed but he lasts long doing nothing. I’ve often said that the best sex doesn’t always have to last so long. It requires two people who understand and adore each other’s bodies.
- You are the Unskilled Lover
We often hear men who complain about how their women just lie in bed during sex, and are disconnected from lovemaking. I don’t know why this happens but many women believe sex is a man thing. Good and fine. If it is, then find a way to make your man happy.
- You’re hung up on Having an Orgasm Badly
Trust me, this is an orgasm killer. I have been there in the past and I never got any good results. I was so desperate to have that awesome moment that I never let myself enjoy the sex. So, I’ll lie there, willing it to come, concentrating so hard on the pleasurable sensations I was getting for my husband and trying to push it to its max but in the end, I’ll end up having nothing but an angry ending. Lovemaking needs you to relax and go with the flow; not all sessions lead to orgasms.
In conclusion, I’d like to add that sex is best enjoyed in a loving relationship and should never be the first goal when you get to meet someone. From experience, I have come to the conclusion that the people that experience the best sex are those who have been together for a while, contrary to what you might read on the net or in novels or see in movies. But not everyone has the ‘one’ and that is why we’re here to help you build up a wealth of knowledge for when that ‘one’ eventually comes. We’re also here to give you tips on how to get that ‘one’ and how to appreciate who you are while waiting.