Breaking Satirical News LAGOS, NIGERIA – While America is busy injecting defenseless rats with the Ebola virus to systematically extract antibodies that can maybe “cure” Ebola. A group of extraordinary Africans have come together to find a more humane and effective cure for the disease. Sources confirm that this potential cure does not involve harming rats, monkeys or any sort of animal and neither was it created in any fancy or expensive African research University or Hospital (that is if they even exist). These brilliant scientists… I mean pastors gathered inside Africa’s most lavishly equipped and weekly funded medical research facility… the Nigerian church… where several other cures have been discovered in the past couple of years. Including the cure for Aids, the cure for Cancer, the cure for Poverty and even the cure for Boko Haram – just ask Pastor T.B. Joshua! So while America is still playing around with rats, these Nigerian pastors are hard at work trying to find a permanent Human solution for Ebola and they are close! Their proposed cure, unofficially called Annointing-Oil-ZTM, has significant advantages over the recent American Z-mappTM serum used recently on 2 American health workers. For starters it does not need to be administered intravenously, it can be administered with a simple push, I mean touch of oil to the forehead. Another advantage is that the oil is not temperature sensitive. Unlike the Z-mappTTM serum that has to be kept at subzero temperature and thawed out naturally, the Annointing-Oil-ZTM has shown significant stability in both low and high temperatures. With just a few scriptures and Annointing-Oil-ZTM patients who had the Ebola fever or Malaria fever (or any kind of fever for that matter) instantly showed a dramatic improvement in their condition. Data is inconclusive at the moment on the full potential of the drug and whether it can be commercialized in the near future. However, the initial results are promising and as more and more pastors from top Nigerian religious institutions come together to tackle this disease, the chances of a commercial solution rise even higher. What is most interesting about this cure is that it is 100% crowd funded by thousands of worshipers every week. In addition to that, the Government gives significant tax breaks to these religious research facilities to encourage their research work. “Without the Government tax breaks we would struggle to maintain our research facilities and also struggle to expand our health and healing ministries,” said Nigerian Clergyman Titus Theophilus, who explained that the Government tax breaks plays a significant role in ensuring that the ministry is well funded. “Thanks to them (The Government) we are able to get our message across to other parts of West Africa and have even been able to purchase a private jet for our head Pastor in case he needs to meet with other top researchers from across the world.” So while the American Government is busy spending millions of dollars to build top University/Hospital research facilities and killing rats and monkeys in the process, the Nigerian Government is instead busy investing in a much humane and arguably better solution which does not put a burden on their tax payers, a solution that is powered by weekly crowd funded tithes with additional but indirect support via Government tax breaks. At the end of the day the Nigerian solution is brilliant as it does not put any pressure on the Nigerian Government to address consistent University strike issues or even Hospital strike issues. I mean who needs fully functional medical facilities and top-notch University building when your country has some of the largest and most expensive churches in the world? At this rate, a permanent end to Ebola might just be around the corner and it will shock the world to know that the solution Annointing-Oil-ZTM was made in Nigeria! NOTE: No rats were harmed in the writing of this article. P.S. If you liked this post, you might enjoy the Ofilispeaks newsletter. Receive new posts delivered right to your inbox! Sign up here.
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Okechukwu Ofili is the author of 3.5 books and writes political satire for the BBC/RNW What's Up Africa show. He is also the founder of okadabooks.com and blogs daily at ofilispeaks.com.