Note: I was in church yesterday and we were discussing sex, marriage and divorce. We were so deep into the whole thing because youths love the opportunity to talk about things like that openly whenever the chance is given. One thing led to another and my pastor asked a powerful question that got me thinking. He asked if there was such a thing as rape in marriage. He explained why he asked and after we gave our opinion, he gave some tips why men forcefully have sex with their wives and why women refused sex in the first place. Coupled with some research, I will like to share some of the reasons with you all, hoping to save a marriage or a future marriage.
As seen in some of our Nollywood movies or books or online materials or in our homes, women give different excuses when the husband is asking for sex. The most common one is “I am tired” or “I have a headache”. Some women may pass the message across very politely and some may not be so nice when telling their husbands to back off. These excuses can lead to so many things and one of the things is a man forcefully having sex with his wife which can also be termed as rape. Study has shown that 10-14 percent of married women have experienced at least one sexual assault by their husbands or ex-husbands. Listed below are the reasons why this happens and why women give excuses too:
WHY MEN FORCE SEX ON THEIR WIVES
#TWISTED RELIGIOUS BELIEFS: To most of the men who rape their wives, it is not a big deal. They see it as a wrong thing to cheat on their wives (which is good) because their belief doesn’t support it. Rather than go outside to do it with another woman, they would then force her when she is not the mood. Some Christians see it as a norm because 1 Corinthians 7 vs 4-5 says the wife’s body belongs to the husband and the husband’s body belongs to the wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that the Satan will not tempt you with your lack of self control. They skipped the 6th verse that says “as a concession and not as a command”. Muslims use “If a man calls his wife to bed and she refuses, and then he sleeps angry, the angels shall curse her until he awakens .[an unquestionably authentic hadith, related by both Bukhari and Muslims, as well as numerous others]” as an excuse forcefully have carnal knowledge of their wives, tired or sick.
#EGO: men are the head of the home, we all know but some men take it to the head position to another level entirely. They believe only they have the power to say yes and no, they control everything including the woman’s mood. A man like that will see no reason not to rape his wife when he so chooses. He goes in whenever he wills without caring if she is happy, sad, horny or not.
#FIGHTING TEMPTATIONS: He lives in an environment where everything is practically on display around him, especially at work. The secretary is wearing a skimpy skirt and revealing blouse and she is always bending or walking in front of him, his friends are talking about really sexual things; he is liable to get horny. When he gets home, he is definitely hoping to get rid of his blue balls. If the wife puts up resistance, he might force her.
WHY WOMEN REFUSE IT:
#SHE IS REALLY TIRED: most women do all the work at home. Some go to work, come back home to cook and still help the kids with assignments and all. Even full housewives get tired too. When a woman is really stressed, sex is the last thing on her mind. She may also be tired of old techniques during and after sex. If a man always puts himself first during sex, she definitely will not enjoy it and it would start giving her headache just to think about going through the same boring sex. What was meant to be pleasurable has turned into hard labour. Just picture being sentenced to life imprisonment where you do the same thing every day till you die.
#SHE IS NO LONGER ATTRACTED TO HIM: some men stop taking care of themselves once they are married. They have big potbellies, unkempt hair and moustache just because the woman is now theirs. Whatever it was that she found so hot has vanished before her eyes and every time it is time to have sex, she pictures his big stomach pressing her down and suffocating her. She definitely will give an excuse not to have sex.
#SHE IS PUNISHING HIM: some women would refuse their husbands sex just because he had earlier refused to give her something she needs or he has done something wrong. She may withhold sex just get away with something she has done or get her way with what she wants.
#REVERSED ROLE: when a woman is the breadwinner instead of the husband, she tends to always be on her toes about how to make provision for the house and sex is usually the last thing on her mind. She is not proud, she is just preoccupied with making everyone comfortable.