14 Ways to Deal With A Custress

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Someone shared a link with me last year about this guy who got acid burns by his girlfriend after she caught him cheating. It was a scary sight to see. The guy’s genitals and lower stomach were burnt badly. And I kept wondering, what is happening to ladies today? To have a man na by force?

But fact is that there are similar stories all around the world, with women cutting off penises or sawing up their husbands right after sex like female praying mantises… it’s so scary. So then I got thinking, what are the ways a man can break up with his woman without incurring her wrath?

But first, what type of woman are we talking about here? Because a normal woman would not resort to violence when she is dumped.  Unless she is a CUSTRESS. Definition of a custress: crazy woman who causes stress and is a curse upon your life; she is a pain in the ass, black widow and a maneater.

Now custresses don’t usually come with horns. They come like normal women. In fact, they are the stuff of dreams. In your case, she was that angel from heaven, the light of your eyes, the vision that kept you awake all night, the reason you were willing to run into a studio and croak out a Tonto Dike-like song.

But something happened. You went to sleep one night with your fair damsel but woke up the next morning staring at the backside of satan. And since then, your life has been hell.

Presently she has become your worst nightmare and you don’t know how to get rid of her without drawing blood. Apart from the fact that she is a daily thorn in your flesh, she has made allusions about killing herself if you ever leave her. You both laugh about it but you undoubtedly see the madness doing azonto in her eyes. She is not joking at all; the babe means business. I mean, this is a girl that stalks your lunch hour at work and flipped when she once saw a strand of hair on your shirt, something you got from a casual hug you gave to a friend you bumped into. Breaking up with this girl is going to spell your doom. You have seen the end clearly and it gives you nightmares. You have even tried to let her off easy by telling her it’s not working with you two but she shows up at your doorstep the next day with a smile and acts like you’re still cool with each other. Yet and still you can see the madness in her eyes, now doing alingo, waiting to erupt. It is at this point you know you have not just jammed the backside of satan but satan herself. Quite frankly, you are finished if you dump this chick.

So how do you let go without putting yourself in danger of being ‘acidated’ like our poor brother mentioned above? How do you end the relationship neatly and not come out looking like the bad person?

The answer is simple. Become an ass.

Now the average woman believes that every guy has a tendency to be a bad boy because it comes naturally with men. There are certain things that women cannot stand that men do and that is why every man that goes into a relationship knows that he has to keep his skin over certain “annoying” male manners or he might get the boot. Well, unless he really wants to get the boot.


1. Do not do this to a good woman. Last I checked the law of Karma is still in place and you are bound to meet a real custress along the way.

2. A good woman might just come out of this in the end, having been humbled by you.

Now here’s how to deal with a custress.

Be Deaf



Women love to talk. A lot. There is always one story or the other, one steamy office gist or one trivial tale they feel you need to hear. If you have a typical woman, she would love to fill your ears with her endless talk and expect you to be part of the gist, to ask questions, to make comments. If you love yourself, pretend not to hear her. Nod after every five sentences, do this three times and then ask, “can you start from the beginning? I was not really paying attention.” Make sure you’re watching TV while you do this so that when she complains you can accuse her of disturbing your TV time.

Bad hygiene


No woman can stand a dirty man. It’s in their nature to clean and keep the place neat. To irritate her, become a pig. Wear your boxers for five days without washing, maintain bad oral hygiene, leave your clothes littered, recycle used clothes, pick your nose, scratch your balls then smell your fingers, leave the dishes around. Do all this and watch her become less and less attracted to you.

Wandering eye

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You used to have eyes for only her and even when there was enough candy around you, you made sure your telescope was always pointed at her. Now this is the time to expand that scope and start looking around. Catch that onion booty as it walks by, smile back when that Miss Pretty Thang smiles at you, shake her hand and hold it a second longer, let your present custress know you’re fishing and she’ll get the message. And who knows, your hook might reel in something good for the near future.


businessman with hand on chin

Acting dumb is a big business especially if you’re smart. But this shouldn’t take an effort since men naturally like to act like they don’t know what’s going on. If you want to give your present madam the boot, this is the time to display your full Adamic nature. Be clueless to the things you once used to know about her. Form forgetfulness. Act like you can’t see her new hair or that she has lost weight, behave like have no idea that your next door neighbor is openly hitting on you and crossing her territory. Pretend that you don’t know she has folded your boxers in the drawer; scatter the whole place and walk away as if you did nothing. Just generally refuse to use your brain and save yourself the stress of overanalyzing.

Man Pride

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Men that have been in relationships for a while tend to lower their pride because they are in a place of comfort and have no reason to prove their manliness. But what happens when they’re not allowed to be men? The famous man-pride crops in. It is that ego trip that makes a man feel no other creature in the jungle can stand up to him. Do not accept any tone used to demean your manliness from the custress. Act like the boss. Don’t cook, don’t help around the house and demand respect at every turn. When your friends come over, tell her to give you space, with a little “did you see any other woman here?” When you make a mistake, refuse to apologize and walk away while she’s still speaking. When she complains, tell her to simply deal with it.


Custress 6 uk.msn

I have often wondered why some men hit their women when they can simply disconnect from them. A woman cannot stand it when a man refuses to acknowledge her and shuts himself away from her. Even when he’s there and he doesn’t respond to her, she’ll almost go mad. Hang with the guys, find a new hobby, revisit your old hobbies and become active while you’re detached. This one is guaranteed to send the message home. Soon she’ll be asking herself where she has gone wrong.

Become a one minute man

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Sex always complicates issues. Well, it’s time you started simplifying them in five minutes or less. A woman knows she’s not wanted when her man doesn’t take time to adore her body in bed. Sex is emotional for a woman and if you want her to know that your emotions are no longer with her, spend little time on her body. And sleep off at the end.

Become Logical

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Is there an argument she’s having with someone and she needs your support? Is there a quarrel between her and another female and she needs a teammate? Try something new and not choose sides. Try logic and refuse to support her. If your woman is really the custress that she is, she would have by now, caused one public scene or more and is quite used to saying her mind in an uncouth way. Never support her. If possible, stay away from the scene and let her know later how embarrassed you felt because she simply won’t back down.

Don’t share your inner feelings

custress 7 ben-kadish

Keep it all inside. Happiness, sadness, anger or fear, never show her anything. Become a blank, unreadable wall and she will start scratching her insides to know what is on your mind. She will aim to piss you off. Show her that you’re untouchable. After all, you got 99 problems and she ain’t one.

Forget the dates

custress 8 sodahead

Birthdays, anniversaries, valentines, and any other date that means something to her should be forgotten. Apologize when she reminds you but don’t go celebrating it after you have been reminded. Buy a moderate gift a day or two after and tell her it wasn’t planned. A smart woman would know that you have more important issues on your mind than her.

Be unclear, be vague

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Women love things broken down to them. If you’re going to tell her ‘I love you’, she wants to know why and how much. That is why she’d rather make ten sentences to tell you she had a rough day than just say “I had a rough day”. Therefore when communicating to your custress, make sure you say one or two words and leave many points hazy, so as not to be used against you in her court of law. Make it known, (casually, as she listens) to a friend that you are thinking of settling down but when she asks you about it later, tell her you are not ready yet. Don’t admit you love her and don’t admit that you don’t. Communicate with her in short, abrupt sentences. No long talk, no clear guarantees.

Stop being her number one fan

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You know the words you used in the past to adore her, the ‘I love yous’, the ‘you’re beautifuls’, and the ‘I can’t do without yous’. Stop them. She will demand for them but you can easily point out that you don’t have to say them all the time. This one will surely injure her because women love to be adored all the freaking time. Be very careful and do not do it if you’re not sure she’s a custress.

Become single while you’re still with her

custress 14 sodahead

Maybe you people have fallen into a comfortable routine. You let her cook your meals, you let her clean your place, you let her do the shopping and you have created a little space for her in your closet. Dude, it’s time you started dealing with your own ish. Cook your own food, clean up after yourself, become totally self-reliant again so that she has no reason to want to ‘hook’ you with something. If you’re not living together, let her feel uncomfortable when she comes around because she has nothing to busy herself with. Let her wonder if your place could be her future home or if she has to find her square root. Let her know you don’t need a woman to be a man.

And finally,

Don’t be a maga anymore

custress 12 laurencehunt

I didn’t put this first because it is the surest, obvious way to drive away most custresses. Cut off her supply. No money, no gifts, no allowances, nothing. Tell her you’re planning for your future. Custresses can’t stand serious talk over money; they want action. When you’re not speaking their language, they hop on the next mugu-train. But when you have a materialistic custress who is an emotional nut job at the same time, then apply the first thirteen in addition to this.

Like I said above, if you have a misled woman in your hands, your above actions can convert her but if you have a confirmed custress, she will simply get tired of you and move on. The best icing on the cake after you have done everything is to plead the fifth and retain your right not to be held answerable to any love crimes you did not commit. She’ll have nothing to pin on you and yet she’ll realize she cannot be with you any longer because a typical custress always wants to be in control of every situation. With her own two legs, she go waka. It would be like the case of a naughty, little boy I once punished by squeezing his collarbone really hard (you know that thing can be painful). So he burst into tears and ran to his elder sister. When asked what I had done to him, he just couldn’t explain.

“Did they beat you?”


“Did they slap you?”


“Did they cuss you?”


“Then what did they you do?”

The boy turned, looked at me terrifyingly and wailed louder. And I simply shrugged innocently at the sister and went my way.






Sally is the author of the Fish Brain series and Boys With Toys. She has written other online series like The Immortals’ Code, No heart Feelings, Novocaine Knights, To Tame a Virgin and In Pursuit of Kyenpia. She lives in Lagos with her husband and kids and loves the occasional bar lounging with friends. She blogs on www.moskedapages.com or you can follow her on Twitter @NovocainKnights

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