Why He Keeps Abusing Her: The Profile of a Weak Man
Far from what we’ve been made to understand, abusers are not poor men that spend all their life savings on alcohol and spend the night in the neighbourhood gutter. Most of these abusers are men who are wealthy and very succesful with whatever they are doing. They are actually the town’s sweethearts and it is hard to believe the wife when she says her lovely husbands abuses her at home. Some of them even hold important positions in the town, church, mosque etc. Most of these abusers start out as very sweet guys, showering you with all the attention and love you need. They get you everything even when you don’t need them, they are very romantic, so it is often shocking when they start beating their wives or being mean to them.
I often wonder how these men tick or what makes them the monster they are. As much as the woman needs help, the man needs help too because if his wife manages to leave him, he will find another innocent woman to abuse. What makes a man an abuser? These are some of the reasons:
He’s been a victim of abuse: he has been physically, sexually or emotionally abused by close family members when he was a child or has witnessed his father abuse his mother or his sisters being kicked about. He sees violence as a natural part of family life or a normal behaviour
He has low self-esteem: He sees the woman as a threat to him because she is confident and he is not. He will therefore destroy her self-esteem to feed his. He will guard his fragile sense of esteem by acting all tough and macho.
Rigid Gender Roles: He believes men are the head of the family so therefore, the woman should always do as he says. He expects her to stay at home and not work to earn money for herself. He believes her roles are in the kitchen and in the bedroom. He speaks for her and gets angry if she doesn’t fulfill his wishes and anticipates his needs. He sees nothing wrong in coercing a woman back to her ‘senses’ by intimidation or by force.
Rigid Religious Beliefs: He justifies his behaviour using distorted interpretations of the scriptures. He will quote bible or quran verses to show that beating his wife and children is acceptable by God and when the wife wants to divorce him, he uses more scriptures to make her feel like the villian and not the victim.
Difficulty in expressing his feelings: He is unable to identify feelings and express this directly and appropriately. He says he is hurt and sulks when he is really angry. He is quick to transfer agression to his wife and believes he is never responsible for whatever he is doing. He believes he is perfect and blames the woman for always getting him worked up and angry. When he sexually abuses her, he believes her body belongs to him to do whatever he pleases with it.
Unrealistic Expectations: He expects the spouse to be everything he wants in a woman; the total package of beautiful, sexy, intelligent, awesome homekeeper, great cook. He expects her to live up to the perfect ideal of a perfect lover, mother, partner, friend and when she falls short, he gets really angry with her. He wants nothing but perfection and when he is not getting that, he believes in using his fist or mouth to make her perfect by abusing her.
Power Drunk: He is the over-achiever that is bossy all way round. In the office, he is always picking on his staff and making life miserable for them. He believes everything has to be “taken”. The quest for power will not only be in the corporate world; it will extend to the home where he will do everything for the wife and kids to know he is in charge and they can’t do anything without him.
Women are the weaker vessels: As a lady, I’ve watched my mom do most things for us at home and I see her as the stronger vessel. She provides, feeds us and when things are rough, she is always the one there. I’ve seen my father chicken out at things that even I can face and I often wonder who named the women the weaker vessels. Men who have heard this over and over believe the women can’t be anything without them. They depend on them for everything they need and as the bread winner, he can call the shots however and whenever he pleases.
Men are naturally fashioned to believe that women are meant to succumb to their wishes either willingly or forcefully but a smart man knows that he can only get the best from his woman when she is happy. When she is happy with him, she will be ready to go extra mile for him and help fulfil his purpose and be the best he can be.