So last year I started working on this fictional fairy tale story about a girl who had an afro…a HUGE and humongous AFRO with magical powers. It was a spin on the classic Rapunzel story but with an ethnic bootylicious seasoning to it. I wrote it primarily for my love of natural hair…the way it tends to rise up versus fall down in some cases and mainly because of its beauty and authenticity. A beauty that has been eroded by media, fashion and yes fairy tales…so I flipped the entire Rapunzel story (literally flipped it). Check out the result below and let me know what you think about it…jisike…
Once upon a time in a far far away kingdom. A kingdom so far that only missionaries and astronauts went there. So far away that no Igbo man lived there yet! It was really that far!
There lived an evil but sesi queen named Lolovita. Queen Lolovita ran the kingdom wth a strong fist, mainly because her Husband, the King was Lazy. A very Lazy King that did nothing all day, except sleep, drink, eat and dance Azonto. He was so lazy that he was once heard saying “wanna grab my robe…too lazy…hold it for me!” “flava in your ear!’
But I digress, this story is not about the lazy King but rather his evil but sesi Queen.
She was so sesi, that people all around the kingdom would stop and stare, men, boys and even women…straight women. She would walk all around the kingdom singing:
I no say I get am
so I no need anybody to tell me…
Say I dey sexy
I dey see you dey check am and I know say you want to test me
You really want to test me
Wait a minute
I know you want some sugar in it
But the jedi jedi wey go catch you…
E no go finish
Baby make we relate ohhh
You no go dey wait ohhh
Beause you dey waka pass dey take style dey look my behind
You fit craze oh
And indeed some men actually went crazy from just staring at the Queen, which might explain the lazy King..but then I digress again.
The secret to the Queens sesiness was her long hair, hair so long that it made Rapunzel blush, so long that it would literarily finish entering the room a full 6 seconds after the Queen had already entered. But her hair was not real…it was weave.
The finest weave ordered from the not so far away kingdom…Kanekelon. The Kanekelon’s were blessed with long luscious hair, so luscious that it was cut up, bagged and shipped to other kingdoms to sell. The Evil Queen through the power granted to her by her title ran a monopoly on the Kanekelon hair trade business. She ensured that she kept the finest hair for herself and sold the leftovers to her quivering subjects.
All was peaceful in the land of the Lolovita’s, the Queen was the sesiest woman alive thanks to her astounding supply of weave and the King the laziest man alive…it was a match made in Lolovita heaven. It was all good until one day…one sad day…
It was the day that the Kanekelons ran out of hair. In strict economical terms the demand for Kanekelon hair far outweighed the growth supply by the Kanekelon people. And soon people were trying to use all sorts of chemicals to stimulate artificial Kanekelon hair growth but this proved harmful as most of the technology was unproven! Leading to excessive hair damage. The Kanekelon King in order to protect his Kingdom most priced goods ordered a ban on the exportation of Kanekelon hair!
There was great confusion in the land of the Lolovitas….for years they had simply grown their hair long enough to attach weaves…but now the weave supply had gone. And they no longer knew how to grow their own hair…except…
Her name was Oghoghotionmwantiomesiemerijie
Afro because she had the
longest biggest name hair in ten kingdoms. She had never worn Kanekolon in her life and because of that her hair had grown huge. It was so big that it caused temporal hairclipses, it was so beautiful that people would stop in the streets and just stare.
The secret to her big hair was lots and lots of oil…coconut oil…palm oil and the oil squeezed from a freshly fried Akara bun all mixed with the yolk of a raw egg. The application of the oils helped ensure her hair glowed and grew even larger. And ancient history has it that the ancestors of the land provided healing through its people’s hair, and because her hair was so large and nobody else carried their hair the spirits of the land all descended on her hair and that was the source of her hairs magical healing powers.
Eventually people from all over the kingdom were coming to not just look at her but to be healed by her hair. The Queen was no longer the center of attraction and this made her furious!
She was definitely no longer the sesiest in the kingdom and her once glowing mane of other people’s hair had all but disappeared. To make matters worse the excessive use of Kanekolon had damaged her hair roots badly. She could no longer grow hair except in patches. In other words “she no fine again.”
The Queen being fully aware of Afro’s healing power, sought it out to heal her hair. But she was so driven with jealousy that she not only wanted the healing powers for herself…she wanted to be the sesiest even if it meant eliminating Afro!
It was a normal night in the Lolovita kingdom when it happened…
4 soldiers, armed to the
with their teeth forced themselves into Afro’s home in the middle of the forest. They barged into her room and attempted to tie her up….she tried to fight back…she even whipped her hair back and forth, but her power was nothing for 4 heavily armed men. She was pulled from her home, dragged to a secluded part of the forest, blindfolded and dumped into a deep deep hole and left to die. But not before the Queen had used Afro’s hair to heal her patchy hair.
The Queens hair now glowed in vibrant luscious afro…but she did not like it! She still wanted to have that long flowing Kanekolon hair that she was used to….the yaki type. So she began experimenting with a new mix herbs and chemicals named relaxers. She started applying them to her hair and soon her hair was yaki straight.
But the relaxers were so violent that they cause the Queen’s hair to break all over and soon her hair was even more patchier than before…
The Queen realizes to her dismay that the only way to maintain her relaxed hair was through the healing powers of Afro…not just once but periodically. The Queen secretly and reluctantly returns to the forest hole where Afro was dumped and brokers a deal with her in exchange for her life.
In exchange for keeping Afro alive, the Queen would have unfettered access to Afro’s hair healing powers for as long as she wanted.
Afro also loved to read, so she insisted that the Queen bring her a novel during each of her visits…so it was agreed that the Queen would frequently visit Afro in her hole with food and books yelling “Afro let up your hair!”
Upon hearing this…Afro would loosen her hair and almost immediately her hair would puff up and begin to fill the entire hole, until it sprouted at the top. Where the queen was able to climb down the hair to give Afro the novel and bask in Afro’s healing powers. She would wrap herself in Afro’s hair for hours, until her own hair was fully grown and glowing. This was the routine until…
D’ PRINCE THE WANDERING PRINCE
One day a Prince from another random kingdom got completely lost in the forest. He really should not have been lost, but he was too stubborn to ask for directions or admit he was lost. So he wandered around aimlessly until he got exhausted and slumped on a large tree trunk and fell asleep. Snoring loudly in the process and dreaming about pure water and gala when he hears the most beautiful song ever….
If you ask me?
nah who I go ask?
the matter wey we see so…
e tey wey e start?
no be me go talk am.
e heavy for mouth.
If you ask me.
the matter for ground.
nah who I go ask?
The prince was stunned. Who could be singing such a beautiful song in the middle of nowhere. The prince searched and searched but he could not figure out where the song was coming. What was most peculiar was that it seemed to be coming from the ground…under him. Surely the Prince was hallucinating…maybe it was the patch of grass weed he slept on…or maybe it was the mushrooms in the ground…who knows.
He put his hear to the ground and now he could hear the song even much clearer. It was the most mysterious thing. He listened to the ground further to enjoy the song, but then the singing suddenly stops and is replaced with the sound of frantic footsteps.
The prince jumps up from the ground and peers across the forest scape towards the footsteps…he sees a Queen dressed in lavish clothing carrying a book as well as the most horrendous hair-do in 10 kingdoms. The Queen definitely was definitely in need of an extreme hair makeover delivery session.
The prince hides away from the Queen but sees just enough to know that the Queen had approached a dense lock of shrubs. She parts the bushes and screams “Afro let up your hair.”
And suddenly the Queen disappears into the ground … at this point the Prince realizes that he might have had a little bit too much palm wine…a singing voice in the ground, a Queen with a book that disappears in the ground? But nothing prepared him for what happened next. Because in the space of 5 monkeys shitting and slinging their shit into the ground…the Queen had come out of the bushes with the most beautiful and glowing Afro in the world…at least the little world that the Prince was used to. He was astonished but confused.
But not confused enough to forget that he needed the Queen to figure his way out of the forest. So trailing the Queens new glowing pre-relaxed Afro the prince quietly traced his steps out of the forest and into the kingdom.
The conclusion next week!
Written and Drawn By Okechukwu Ofili of ofilispeaks.com
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