You might be wondering why i beseeched thee, out of the blues, after such a long while. In fact, i bumped into an article you had written a while ago while searching through a website and it reminded me of who i was, who i wish to become again and why i was attracted to you in the first place.
Being with you reminded me of whom i once was before i yearned into the wicked arms of society, nestling in its gift of social accommodation and validation while in search of meaning and worth.
IT couldn’t be normal that one’s desire was to be with oneself, i had thought all these years. It couldn’t be normal one derived joy from introversion, i wondered. Shutting the entire world out, finding it pointless (and a silly waste of time i must add) being at organized parties full of pretentious and greedy people, was bliss.
Nestled in the arms of my books, having an awesome friend such as imagination and a powerful buddy my mind was, the world was ours. We could do almost anything.
The dark, a companion and a guide, solitude to the fierce grasp of the outside world and what lies in wait. Soon enough i morphed into my characters. My alter ego was born. Imaginary friends were but my making, i refused to believe. i was loved, by what i had created. Soliloquy, was the order of the day- No i was having conversations with my friends, or so i believed.
This couldn’t be normal.
Or could it? It all seemed real and sane. i was captured but i felt a certain kind of freedom; A certain kind of awareness and need.
But it wasn’t normal, the thought nagged at me.
What else could be out there? i thought to myself.
Could there be anything better than being a student of Hogwarts (my favorite class being Transformation) or living in castles in the air floating on magic carpets?
I had perfected the act of solitude within me. My friends, the real ones now in my high school, which I only saw as classmates but they as the former, tried to carry me along but I yearned to be back home, with my real friends.
I became an asset in school, I knew too much for a grade 2 student. Even without thinking it, the most popular girl in class would ask me a question to prove her self worth socially and I would answer in a puff. All that didn’t matter to me but it made me cool- if that’s what they wanted.
I breezed through school, present where I should be but in absentia. The library was our playground. My friends (mine now) sometimes came to visit and we would find the most quiet and lonely spot in the library and teleport into out world.
Inter house sports wasn’t my thing. But I participated in the activities anyway because we were made to. Badminton was what I settled for eventually, having resolved that basketball was perceived to be an all-boys sport.
Boys were classified as aliens, not by religion or discipline. They simply were. I was too busy with my friends I didn’t have time for these species. Or so I thought. I secretly admired the cute ones from afar but mentally kept that string of memory from my buddy, mind- until I found one interesting. He was given the title of the big boy in class simply because he was quiet and never smiled. Tagged- dangerous.
This specie took interest in me and I felt like I was in danger. Why would he? I had thought but never dwelled. Whenever I saw him approaching, I would take a detour.
Lunch hours were always dreaded. Having to wait in line with all these people and then having to look for a seat that I’d have all to myself was dreadful. I almost always skipped this part.
Music was our safe place. The melody and rhythm took me places where my best friend, imagination hadn’t. It was a different realm and being in there always did bring about a certain sweet sensation within. The music teacher was glad to entice me with sweet serenades from the violin and I in turn piqued at the interest.
Extra-curricular activities were the worst. I preferred spending precious moments in the science lab. I remember when I sat in class alone, while the whole school had assembled for the debating competition. Only ducking under my desk when I heard footsteps from the head prefect doing his rounds to fetch out students abstaining, like me.
But not as bad as school parties- I never really liked those things but I had no choice but to go. Sitting at the corner while I watched people dance was pretty much all I got to do.
However, My somewhat desire to see what was on the other side started when I was transferred to another school for the remainder of my high school.
I still enjoyed my solitude for the first year out of three. But the nonchalant behavior of my new mates towards schoolwork soon got to me. I seemed like the nerd, unappreciated unlike my former school. In fact If I as much as aced my papers I would be given dangerous stares warning me to watch my back. Even from the teachers.
To survive I had to be one of them. But what did being one of them mean?
One day I had a talk with my buddies about this and we resolved I would survive in the wild my school was. But they didn’t understand. I was the one in the school going through all of that not them. I had to survive.
And so little by little I opened the door that I had shut for so long a time.
-To be continued