No one plans to have a bad sexual experience. We all want to have that weak in the knee kind of sex that will leave us breathless and tired afterwards. We all want sex so good, that we automatically fall in love with the guy or the girl.
But it’s always not so rosy.
Apart from the first sexual experiences that are often awkward, there are other times we have sex and actually end up hating it or wonder what the hell just happened. You just don’t want to talk about it or think about it, you just want to forget about it. They are often hillarious albeit somewhat pathetic. That is why I’ve decided to share with you 6 Awkward true life sexual experiences.
1. A BRAGGING FAILURE
I had met this guy earlier that month and we kicked off wonderfully well. The chat was great and it was as if we could never run out of what to say to each other. Some times, we would talk till the next morning only catching few hours of sleep. I was not even bothered by the little sleep I was getting because I really enjoyed our conversations. One thing led to another, we started having sexual convos. It got really intense that I could not wait to have sex with him. I planned to visit him one weekend and have him fuck my brains out as he had promised. To cut the long story short, I blamed myself for expecting too much. The guy wasn’t even close to good. His kisses were too wet, it was like I was being kissed by a puppy; I had spit all over my face. He was biting me all over and I was very irritated. He was in some sort of hurry to stick it in and he did not even mind that I was not wet. Though he was on the small side, he was not too small to cause me serious pains and I was bruised badly. I did not even wait till the next day before I told him I had to visit a really sick friend. I checked into a hotel and spent the night spreading my legs directly under the fan. Disappointment is a subtle word to describe how I felt.
-Glory, 25, Lagos
2. “HOT” TONGUE ACTION
My girlfriend is very good at giving blow jobs. I enjoy her blow jobs so much and she knows it. Whenever she does something wrong to me, she’s quick to get on her knees and suck the anger out of me. She had come to visit me that thursday and in a hurry to feel her tongue on me, I asked her for a quick one. She refused at first asking me to wait till she had eaten and showered. I bugged her till she gave in. Excited, I sat on the couch and closed my eyes in anticipation. The next thing I felt jolted me out of my fantasy world and had me running to the bathroom. All she said while she ran after me was
“oops, babe. I forgot that I took pepper soup before boarding a bike to your place”.
These days, she has to brush her teeth before she goes down on me.
– A.B, 23, Lagos
3. WHAT?! THAT’S NOT MY VIRGIN CHILD
My mom was always fond of boasting to her friends how I was a virgin and how much of a decent christian I was to her friends. I’ve heard them often chastise their kids using me as “a good example”. I enjoyed the benefits of being so good till I ran out of luck. My mom had travelled to Abuja for a seminar and she was supposed to stay there for a week. I was so excited to have the house to myself that I quickly called my boyfriend to come and spend some time with me. At first, he was not comfortable staying at my mom’s place but I told him it was much better than his own place that was small and there was always no light. I gave him reasons why it was best to come over, I even called him a chicken for refusing adventure. He came over and it was really fun at first. We had sex everywhere and I was glad for the adventure. The next morning, a scream woke me up. I opened my eyes to see my mom and two of her friends staring at my bare chest and the boy beside me. My mom is still mad at me and I can’t even come out of the room when her friends are around.
– Lauretta, 22, Ogbomoso
4. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO LOVE IT
I love getting massages and I usually have my go-to place to get them. Well, one day I went in for a massage and found the staff replaced by a whole bunch of Asian ladies. So, I was getting my massage, almost falling asleep, when the chick asked me if I wanted extra oil. I was like, “why the hell not,” and before I realized it, she had removed the towel and was trying to get my briefs off. I was like, “whoah lady no I’m married” and she smiled, nodded, then bent down like she’s about to blow me. I grabbed her head, told her no, and she’s trying to convince me for her to continue by saying “but you black, blacks love this!” At that point, I was done and trying to get my clothes on but she’s still trying to touch my magical black staff. As soon as I had my pants on I ran out.
Explaining that to the wife was akward
– Korrin85 (www.askmen.com)
5. BEWARE OF SNEEZING
I was with my first long-time girlfriend in high school, and we were both very new to sex. We were both clumsy and over-eager, so we had some interesting sexual situations throughout the early parts of our relationship. The most uncomfortable of these occurred one day when we were upstairs in my game room watching tv when we decided to fool around. She started to go down on me, which was at first incredible until, in her words the brushing of my pubic hair against her nose caused her to sneeze and subsequently bite down on my dick. The pain was excruciating and drew blood, and I pushed her off of me and fell to the ground, subsequently hitting her head against the coffee table in front of us. We both just lied down in pain for an awkward amount of time until I decided I had to go get my parents for medical help. To this day I still have a scar shaped like a slight overbite around my dick. I always get to tell this fun little story in the middle of intimate moments.
– HopeoftheUniverse (www.askmen.com)
6. SEXUAL SUFFOCATION
A friend of mine was telling me how he was 69ing with his girlfriend, girl on top, and she was enjoying it so much that she sat on his face. For the first few seconds it was okay, but then he found himself not being able to breathe. He started struggling, gasping for air and wiggling his face away from her vagina but she just thought he was really getting into it and she pressed herself more and more on him. Finally he pushed her off and had to run and stick his head out of a window.
– zombiezzrule (www.askmen.com)
What is your most awkward sexual experience? Don’t be shy, share with us *winks*