The 7 Deadly First Dates by @sir_castiq

share on:
Boy meets girl, it could be anywhere. On the street, at church, the library in class, anywhere. Boy doesn’t strike out. Girl gives boy her number and after hours, days or weeks of chatting on the phone, he asks her on a date. A date is literally a minefield. There are dozens of pitfalls awaiting the unlucky but the good news is: She wants you to win. It’s like a test. You do well you win the prize. You don’t you lose. There is of course a third option. To not play at all but I’m coming to that. First the seven deadly dates you need to avoid and if you happen to get dragged in to it, I’ll tell you how to win.
The Cinema Date
Warm, buttery yellow, sweet Popcorn, cold ice cream or a chilled coke in a dark room with a pretty girl and maybe even a good movie to go with it. The perfect setting to make your move. Or is it? At first thought a cinema date seems to be the perfect one. Classics like the “Stretch your arm and drop it around her shoulders” spring to mind but cinemas make for terrible dates. First there’s all the noise. The whole point of a first date is to get to know each other better and you make the setting a noisy place with loud music, and chattering people. Not your most genius idea I’ll bet.
Pro-tip: If you absolutely have to go to a cinema, take her to one that’s not pitch dark so she can see your face while you talk and pick a crappy comedy so you both can bond over your disdain for terrible acting.
The Shopping Date
I personally do not get this one. How can someone burning truckloads of your cash be considered a recreational activity. The word that comes to mind is “torture”. You immediately signal yourself as one of those “money miss road” types with more money than sense. Anyway any girl who actually says yes to a shopping date probably doesn’t like you very much (what you think of her doesn’t count). If you happen to find one who actually asks for a shopping first date, pick up your slippers, put them in your armpit and run. Don’t stop till you are at least 2 states away, and break your SIM card while you are running.
Pro-tip: If a shopping date absolutely must occur make sure you’re doing the shopping. Score free brownie points by asking her to come pick a new shirt for you then turn up in that shirt for your next date.
The Expensive lunch
Chinese, French and other exotic restaurant pay their staff almost exclusively from money made off dumb guys trying to impress. In these restaurants, you are forced to play all sorts of silly games. A friend tells me you must never accept the first wine the sommelier brings. Another has a formula for remembering which wine goes with which dish. The worst thing is you can’t even read the menu. You order what looks like rice and chicken and what the waiter brings looks like duck’s ass and dirty water. You’re both so uncomfortable worrying about the right cutlery and table etiquette.
Pro-tip: Don’t, just don’t.
The Club date
A club is a place for meeting girls not where you take them afterwards. Sun Tzu’s art of war advices that the smart general is one who does not fight at all. He averts the danger before it is apparent. Clubs are very ostentatious places. Guys trying to out-dress, out-buy and out-swag one another and no girl is off limits. Why would you want to put your fledgling relationship through all that stress? All that loud music means you can’t talk which is basically all you need to be doing at this stage.
The Church date
There are some really pretty girls out there. They come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes you find yourself diggin’ the uber religious ones. She sits in front of class, never missed Wednesday service, in church choir kind of girl. They can be cool but they do have this unfortunate tendency to invite you to church services. If you happen to get such an invite for your first date with her, by all means go. She weeds out a lot of guys this way. Sit in front. Let her see you. Take a bible, look thoughtful and pay attention. Then cash in your brownie points by taking her somewhere you want to go afterwards. She can’t say no to dinner after you sat through the service for her now can she? That would just be rude.
The Her Place
It is very important to understand the invitation. If she suggests it and wants you to come. Dude, go. This isn’t a first date. If she’s that comfortable with you, you’re past that point already. If it was your idea and she grudgingly accepted just to be polite, don’t go. Call and reschedule somewhere else. Nobody likes strangers in their home.
The Your Place*
No need for advice here. If you got this far you probably don’t need it. Just make sure you’ve got that bow-chicka-wow-wow on the stereo and something nice to drink. And eggs. Everyone likes eggs for breakfast. You will be making her breakfast, right?
The most important thing here is to understand the subtext. Sometimes girls can’t help testing guys. She’ll do something annoying just to see how you react. The thing to do is never lose your temper. Just calmly explain your position. State why this is unpleasant and hint strongly that it wouldn’t take much more for you to leave. When it comes to these silly games, the only way to win is not to play.
I rant a bit more @sir_castiq.
*I’m totally not down with rape. Respect her wishes and be a gentleman or you’ll wish you had. If you don’t believe no means no, you’ll change your mind when you drop the soap in prison.


Aquarius, Sarcastic, Absent minded genius. Lagos born, raised all over the place. I love laughing, not always at people though. I love music, well when it's music. When it's 2Chains, you've lost me. Tech groupie, Gadget Surgeon, Professional Sceptic. Avid Reader. Girl Lover.

1 comment

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.