Listen up kids, I’m going to do in a few short minutes what Cosmo, Close Up and native Hausa perfumes have been trying to do you for ages. I’m going to make you sexy. Disclaimer here: This only works for the non-irreversibly ugly. We’re trying to help here, not do miracles. So with that in mind, lets go on.
Lets look into it a bit. What makes a person sexy. I saw one of those male models on twitter the other day. I’ll assume most girls would grant he was sexy. The major things I noticed where: Muscle bound, (not always so, Better a one back with money in the bank than stomach like St. Louis Sugar and no pepper), fresh faced, etc.
The truth is, you don’t need all of that. Now is probably not the time to go into one of my the human brain is a computer lectures (God knows I spend too much time with the damn things) but the issue is the human brain, quite like a computer, can be programmed; and programmed it has been. Most of us practically grew up on the living room couch. Our parents had to uproot us several times a day to go to school, attend church, do chores, etc. In between all that entertainment we seem to have picked up a few strong ideas about how life should go, particularly in the romantic direction. I mean what is the guy even doing on your doorstep if he isn’t tall, dark and handsome, what’s the girls wasting your time for if she doesn’t have a 3-inch waist and hair like a waterfall? The anime lovers will have to wait for Segun Arinze’s daughter though.
What I’m talking about here is exploiting these Hollywood implanted stereotypes to give you a leg up in the love race. Some people say you should be yourself. Some others say such things are immoral. Well being yourself only attracts the kind of girls that are like yourself and I know girls whose makeup skills should earn them the title of surgeon but all is fair in love and war. Am I asking you to change your personality? Lets look at a few of the stereotypes shall we?
Bad Boy (May or may not include heart of gold)
The ladies love him. Brash, bold, gets things done. Doesn’t ask for permission, just takes what he wants. The sense of danger is a thrill.
-Leather Jacket (because tradition).
-Loads of Hair Gel (for the ridiculous hair style that comes with it).
-Absolutely guarantees a score
-People are less keen to bother you.
-Jacket may cause heat
-Personality may be hard to copy if you aren’t naturally assertive.
Pro-tip: Works best with heart of gold. Nothing gets the ladies interested faster than a bad guy who’s good with kids/animals.
In touch with his feminine side, sensitive and a good listener. I can hear the ladies sighing already.
Ladies open up to you
Can attract large groups of girls
Need to wear tight pants to show off package, how else are you going to convince people you aren’t gay in what you’re wearing?
Heads up, boners show in tight jeans.
Need to be able to play instrument or lie well under pressure.
Pro-tip: Touch is everything, everyone knows how expressive artists are.
The cheerleader usually dates the team captain. ’nuff said.
Ball, basketball or rugby ball preferable. Tennis not bad too.
-Ripped Bod, need I say more?
-All that gym time is good for your health.
-All that gyming is hard
-You actually need to be good at sports
Pro-tip: Pick swimming; it’s fun, you can show off the bod, the ladies are half dressed and who knows someone might need CPR.
Ladies love to be pampered; the promise of money guarantees you company.
Pro-tip: Hotel A.C, white silk sheets and cold champagne unlock many a frigid door.
With a silver tongue like his, he could be anybody. Plus flattery, they say, will get you anywhere
A sense of humor, wit, and a way with words,
-Can get girls the others can’t.
-You get popular and have more friends
-Keeping track of all those lies is a chore.
Pro-tip: Step 1: Say your last name is Dangote. Step 2: Buy an umbrella because it’s raining bitches!!
Follow me at @sir_castiq to hear me talk some more