Beyond The Vagina: What be This Creature Called Woman?

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What Be This Creature Called Woman?

The above is a million dollar question and not even the men of old have found the correct answer. Women too, have failed. But men through the ages, in their life’s journeys have discovered a response to the subject in question and therein, also, rested the solution to many of their problems. To them, a woman is that which is made up of three parts:Vagina, Breast (backside inclusive) and hips and all the other parts can be summed up in some way into the three.

It is amazing how a man can live with or be around women and be totally oblivious about the female anatomy. How many times have I heard guys say, “You women have issues. I am so glad I’m a man!” And somehow you people think we’re sad because we’re female and bleed from our lady parts every month? Okay, yeah, I admit that we do have issues but it all comes with the packaging and we have learnt to accept ourselves the way we are and are dealing with our ‘peculiarities’ well enough. But what we don’t need is the sons of Adam making it difficult for us when they can easily try to understand that we are a little bit more complicated than they are. They say men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Well, I have neither been to Mars nor Venus but I can tell you that men are like that simple and straight 100meter race that begins at a point and ends at another. While women are as complex as a game of football—twenty-two players on the field, a referee and linesmen breathing down your neck, a ball that just won’t stay in one place, two goal posts, a field full of grass that stretches out forever and all the madness of running round and trying to make a score. Get the picture now?

Okay, I know you still don’t. So let me help you.

WOMEN ARE HORMONAL

We produce estrogen, progesterone, testosterone and other hormones all the freaking time. Yes, I said testosterone. It doesn’t belong to you guys alone, though we can’t compete with you in that department. But all the other hormones affect our bodies and our brains and to some extent (depending on the individual) affect our moods also. I had to put this down first so you would understand where I’m going to next as I concentrate on the female and her body.

THERE IS A PATTERN

Based on her hormonal alterations, a woman has mood changes that make her want certain things at different times of the month. If a man is able to read these changes carefully, he would see that her sensitivity, sensuality, energy, emotions and logic have their moments and he would learn to enjoy the many different faces she presents to him. Like most female animals, women have a time in their cycle when they are most fertile and have strong sexual urges. I think the term for it is ‘heat’. It usually comes about ten days after their menstruation begins when there is a surge in estrogen and testosterone. Then, a week after that, an increase in progesterone (the nurturing hormone) would make a woman prefer cuddling to sex. She is more relaxed at this moment and she just wants to stay in and have her man hold her while she watches a movie or while they talk. When this progesterone level drops days after, she becomes irritated by little things, she’s also weepy and temperamental and it is at this point that PMS sets in. Shortly after that, just a day before her period starts again, her bad mood reaches a high and may drop considerably or remain in that state until the period ends.

DON’T JOKE WITH THE PMS

It is not an act we put up to piss people around us off. It is called Premenstrual Syndrome, defined as the physical and or psychological symptoms women go through just days before their period comes. To some women, it is no biggy as their symptoms are mild but for others, it is a terrible time. They get bloated, become irritable, have mood swings, are short tempered, become clumsy, have weight gain, are fatigued, suffer migraines, tender breasts, become antagonistic and very bitchy. Brothers are warned not to press the wrong buttons during this time.

WOMEN NEED FOREPLAY

Now, having read the above, you should be smart enough to conclude that the female body is not always tuned up like the male’s. She is not always in the mood to go all the way. Ever heard the phrase “I just want to cuddle”? She’s not pushing you away. She just wants to cuddle. But if you’re smart and sensitive enough to understand ‘womanspeak’, you would know that she just told you, “you don’t expect me to just let you in like that. I need more from you because I’m in a very mushy mood.” Foreplay does not only prepare her physically but psychologically too, and with women, they need both to go all the way.

OUCH! THAT HURTS

Boobs! Boobs! Boobs! Ooooh…more boobs! That’s how you guys see it but to us, they are sensitive body parts. I would never understand men’s fascination with the female mammary glands but I guess that’s the way God intended. However, I wish He had sent down a user manual. And it should be something like this: Fragile. Sensitive. Handle with care. Flattens with time. Do not wring. Do not try to pluck out from base. Do not chew. Leave some for the next generation.

SHE IS WITH CHILD, DARN IT!

So many things happen to a woman during pregnancy. There is an increase in hormones and a decrease in brain size. Yes, you better believe that. But it doesn’t mean she becomes dumber; and have no fears, it returns back to normal after the baby is born. However during the nine months, she goes through a lot of emotional, psychological and physical alterations and they can make her go really crazy. Some women have a pretty normal pregnancy but ‘normal’ should be taken with a pinch of salt here. It is a crazy time for women and they need support from the men in their lives.

THE SIXTH SENSE

I kid you not, women do have it and it is called Intuition. Maybe it’s because we are more in touch with our feelings and are sensitive about the world around us that we tend to see things men often overlook, and with time, we form a pattern in our brains that enable us predict the future or sense that something is off. Now, the thing about this intuition phenomenon is that it doesn’t turn us into seers or prophets; it is basically a complex brain work and can be honed with the power of observation. However, some people believe it is spiritual and a special gift from God to women because we are supposed to be nurturers by nature. Whatever it is, whenever your woman tells you she senses something, give her an ear. It could be her sixth sense at work.

NOT ALL WOMEN PMS

Like all of God’s creations that are different in their own ways, He made women differ from each other too. PMS is something some lucky women have never experienced before. And oh, I envy them. That being said, those women are still women and when they are pissed off or burst into unnecessary tears, they expect their men to understand that they’re just having an emotional moment and need a shoulder to cry on. They don’t need being asked, “are you PMSing or are you on your period?” Yes, that is so infuriating! Even for those of us who have PMS issues. Our menstrual cycle does not control us. We can be as logical and straight thinking as you can be.

WEIGHT ISSUES

Of course, we do have those. Even if we go to the gym everyday and come out looking like Beyonce, we still feel one or two places need a little more slimming, so it doesn’t help when you notice our little love handles and have something smart to say about them. We are beautiful creatures and that is all we need to be told. We already have each other to make us feel fat and ugly.

YOU’RE NOT THE MAN

I am going to stab my ladies in the back with this one and I hope they forgive me. What I want to share is one of women’s best kept secrets and it has worked well for us because men are a very clueless species. According to studies, only 30% of women orgasm during sex. Shocked? So what about the other 70%? Are they faking it? Probably. But as a guy, you’re sure you felt her clench really hard and moan out, right? And you were there thinking she came and you did pat yourself on the back for a job well done. *shaking my head slowly at you with a sad smile*. She used the age-old trick of clenching her Kegel muscles to give you the feel of an actual orgasm. She probably didn’t make it there. But don’t’ feel bad. That may be how she is wired. Not all women get there by the real act. There is that little button called the clitoris that has 8,000 nerve endings connected with 15, 000 nerve fibers and it reigns supreme in the land of the V. Find out what percentage your woman belongs to and discover what works better for her by asking her and taking time with foreplay. You didn’t create sex and neither did the sex movie industry. Make your rules, enjoy it and you’ll be the man!

Phew! Finally, I got through this  in one piece. This is a little out of my style (writing non-fiction about my gender, I mean) but I’m glad I did it.

In conclusion, I just want to add this last secret and it applies to every woman irrespective of her hormonal background. We just want to be respected and loved just like you do. Okay, maybe a little more. And we love lots of attention. And chocolate. And a little present once in a while. Add this to whatever drama that comes along with the territory and you have the complete feminine package. It is as simple as that!

So, back to the question: what be this creature called woman? I have no idea still. I’m just as clueless as you are.

Sally

Sally

Sally is the author of the Fish Brain series and Boys With Toys. She has written other online series like The Immortals’ Code, No heart Feelings, Novocaine Knights, To Tame a Virgin and In Pursuit of Kyenpia. She lives in Lagos with her husband and kids and loves the occasional bar lounging with friends. She blogs on www.moskedapages.com or you can follow her on Twitter @NovocainKnights

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