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Whether you’re a regular player, new to the dating scene, or jumping back into the game after a long hiatus, these questions subconsciously play in your mind always. First is, how soon do you lean over for that first kiss? Then, is it too early for a steamy sex session? And lastly, how do you know when the time is right for sex?

I guess we all can’t arrive at the same set of answers to those questions no matter how hard we try. I have heard people say that the longer you date before having sex, the more likely you will get to the stage of emotional commitment prior to being sexual; and that the higher the level of commitment, the greater the overall relationship satisfaction. This school of thought strongly thinks that sex too-soon can lead to undesirable consequences and once sex comes in too soon especially when it is a ‘damn good one’, it becomes much more difficult to objectively see and assess each other’s character traits. But I have also heard some people argued that you don’t really need to wait for any special time or period to have sex as long as both partners are adult and are comfortable with doing it even if it has to be on their first date; they believe sex is a really important part of choosing someone to spend your life with, and it is ridiculous to say you can’t love someone after x-amount of time and therefore shouldn’t have sex with them until then. They even believe that having sex can help you to make up your mind if going through the whole relationship would be worth it or not. However, a lot of ladies think guys are the ones always pushing for early sex in relationships and most of them just have to cope because they have been dumped so many times for holding back on sex.

But in all these, no one was able to answer exactly “how soon is too soon?” or “how long is too long to wait?”

Religion, especially the Christian faith preaches abstinence till the wedding night, but this doesn’t mean that every young person who is a Christian obey this rule. I have seen young Christian partners who vowed to wait till their wedding night before conjugation, but all hell let loose when the lady was discovered to be 2 months pregnant few weeks to their wedding and the shocker was, the ‘brother’ was not responsible as he claimed both of them never had sex throughout their 2 years courtship, so who was responsible? Well, that seems like a case of cheating and grand deception which will be a topic for another day.

I spoke with few of my friends on how soon is too soon to start humping, how long is too long to wait and why do we need to wait at all. Here’s what they said

Constance (28)

Sex means different things to men and women, and most times, a woman assumes sex implies commitment, while a man might just want to have fun; so I think a woman should be sure if the guy really loves her before getting into bed with him. As a woman, you should be able to determine when to have sex with your guy, whether it’s going to be the first time or on the wedding night.

Sean (29)

I believe a woman can ask a guy to wait till she is ready; but when that happens and the guy loses out in the end, it becomes difficult for him to go down same route with another girl. For example, a 23 year old girl told a friend of mine who was 26 at the time to wait till marriage; 3 years later, the girl met a new and richer guy, and broke up with my friend for no just reason. He was disappointed and vowed never to fall into such trap again.

Jennifer (23)

My take is that as a lady, you should wait until you are sure the man is interested in you as a person and not just in your sexuality, and that could take maybe 3 to 6 months. Men are very selfish and just want to get down to business and have sex with you even on the first date if you allow them.

Akin (27)

I don’t like it when ladies think we are just after sex, and it’s demeaning to men to think that all of us just want sex quickly. It makes us seem brainless, like we are some sexually-driven pigs without any thought for any other thing in women other than sex.

Tom (28)

I never wait more than 2 dates to have sex in my relationship, and I have never had a girl want to wait longer than the second date. Maybe it’s because I am the guy that has the model looks, athletic body, Einstein’s intelligence, and always know what ladies want to hear. And seriously, any girl who asks me to wait beyond second or third date will be dumped instantly, no time.

Favour (26)

I believe in abstinence until marriage and so my fiancé and I haven’t had sex yet. We connected on so many levels– spiritually, mentally, and creatively, so I anticipate a very fulfilling sex life after marriage. I also think girls who agree to sex too early in a relationship are loose and can never make good wives.

From above responses, it seems there are some differences between men and women and how they feel about sex and its timing in relationships. But overall, I realize that very often, we want the same thing – to love and be loved genuinely without any form of deceit. But, I’d like to point out that delaying sex in a relationship does not make you classier or a better person, it simply means you have a different way of doing things. And my advice is this; while not every dating scenario that involves sex leads to marriage or even a serious relationship, it is important you ensure your brain, heart, and genitals are all in a straight line before you have sex. And If you just want a one-night stand, you owe it to your partner to tell them ‘I just want the sex’ they might not like it; but that way, both of you know what you are getting into or why you won’t be getting into anything at all.

Lastly, only have sex when you’re comfortable with it, whether that be on the first night or on your wedding night, and remember to play safe.




Christopher Bamidele

Christopher Bamidele

Chris Bamidele is a passionate and unapologetic Nigerian; an amateur writer and aspiring TV director who holds a first degree in Mass Communication, but majored in Radio and TV Broadcasting. He is cool headed, a realist, and an optimist to the core. Chris Bamidele blogs African stories on www.degreatest2.wordpress.com and tweets @degreatest2. He currently lives in Lagos.


  1. This is another brilliant one…welldone sir. You’ve got really inspiring articles. Welldone. Looking forward to moreeeeeeeeeeee*wink*.

  2. I believe its an individual thing..it could be anytime as long as you are both comfortable with it as adults.

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