We start our roundup this month with the most awesome thing about March – one celebrated one’s birthday and commemorated the occasion with a limerick:
There once was a tweeter named Tex
His specialty was in the lex
On Ides minus 2
His birthday, woohoo!
So dig deep & pull out some cheques!
Sadly, no cheques yet. Maybe next year…
THE NATIONAL CONFERENCE
Nigeria’s controversial national conference started this month. After squabbling about religion, marginalisation, voting rules, respect for elders, the right to doze off without the press covering it AAAAAND receiving their first allowances of N1.4million each, it does not seem as if things will get moving for another week yet. Still, we celebrate some of the more famous delegates in the limericks below:
When Jimmy was head of the sports
His case shoulda gone to the courts
A great innovator
Showed a generator
When started, man, it teleports.
A cross-dressing fugitive man
Was impeached then forgiven and
Despite his disgrace
Will yet be the face
Of Bayelsa’s conferencing band
What really is two-thirds 19?
Is it 12 or is it 13?
To raise these concerns
When all the delegates convene
An ex-gov’ning husband of judge
In landmarking judicial sludge
The risk of being tried
An “elder statesman”, oh what fudge!
OOH LA LA!
After being dubbed a specialist in failure by the Special Punk, Jose Mourinho, Gooners all over the world licked their chomps in anticipation of the showdown between Arsenal and Chelsea. Like the protagonist in a Kung-Fu movie, we all expected Arsene Wenger to “take his revenge”. The prospect received additional spice because it was Arsen’s 1000th game in charge of Arsenal. Things didn’t quite play out as expected. In fact, Arsenal shipped 6 goals without reply that day, prompting Professeur Wenger to attempt dodging the post-match press conference. The following limerick, as salve for our North London wounds…
There once was a French coach named Wenger
In-club for a thousand game bender
Got stuffed by José
Well, hip hip hooray
Our specialist, legend forever
ROAD SAFETY REFORM MEETS ROADBLOCK
A learned colleague recently obtained a judgement from the Federal High Court, restraining the Federal Road Safety Corps from impounding cars that do not have the new number plates. You can read the story here. Unconstitutional and illegal. Does this mean that cars with the new plates are improperly registered? We cannot say. Will the FRSC adhere to the judgement? We’ll just have to wait and see. Will you get a refund for the unconstitutional and illegal number plates on your car? This limerick is for you.
It turns out our old number plates
Now don’t have expiry dates
But no reimbursement
Will come from the gov’ment
To those who had paid the new rates
“KORO” LAMENTS MARGINALISATION IN LAGOS
Senator Ambassador Honourable Musiliu Obanikoro was in the press twice this month. Luckily, we feature both events in our roundup. In one, he is reported as lamenting the dearth of “shonz of de shoil”, indigenes of Lagos, in the management of the State’s affairs. Perhaps Lagosians should have their own sovereign conference to resolve this matter…
It’s something that makes Koro bitter
How Aliens in Lagos now litter
The armchairs of power
Indigenes, this hour
Must rise to defend this bullshitter
Koro reportedly also played a role in the “did-he-didn’t-he” that followed reports of the resignation of the newly appointed defence minister (Koro is his junior minister, his expertise in defending, uhm, his fellow Lagosians coming in very useful here). The minister, retired General Gusau, quickly denied news of his resignation, but something very clearly happened between the ministers and the joint chiefs as news of their reconciliation was roundly received with relief. In honour of the purported resignation however, the following –
Nigeria’s joint chiefs weren’t inclined
To meet with Gusau, how unkind
The head of defence
In pure common-sense
He picked up his pen & resigned
NATIONAL IMMIGRATION SERVICE [SHAM] RECRUITMENT TRAGEDY
In a truly heart-wrenching sequence of events, the National Immigration Service charged 6 million applicants N1000 each, so that it could invite 500,000 thousand of them to a test at various stadiums around the country, intending to offer only about 4,000 of them employment. There were stampedes in almost each stadium, 19 people died and hundreds more were injured. Now, first question is, how the hell do the NIS, who have 2 people stamping each passport at the airports, need 4,000 more staff? Then, where did the Minister for the Interior, Comrade Abba Moro, find the nerve to come on television and blame the multiple stampedes on the “impatience” of the applicants? Then, our president, Goodluck Jonathan, incomprehensibly decides to award 3 employment slots to the families of those who died and automatic employment for everyone injured in the stampede. Unsurprisingly, he nearly caused another stampede at the National Hospital, with people feigning injury and clamouring to be put on the automatic employment list… [*deep, deep, breaths*]
A stampede as stamping HQ
Recruited for stampers brand new
Like dreams they were crushed
As applicants rushed
To 19, we now say adieu
A stampede, as stamping HQ
Recruited, but all went askew
And then 19 died
The polity heated, a-stew.
The head of our troubled interior
In garbage from oral posterior
Has asked us to blame
The dead & now lame
And ignore his motives, ulterior
The head of our country has tried
In satire personified
To placate the mob
By giving a job
To families of seekers that died
Have u been maimed in a stampede?
Or just maimed, but still full of need?
Then go to Abuja
The gov’ment will give ya
A job as their penance for greed
May the souls of the departed rest in peace. May those whose negligence led to their deaths not receive the customary golden parachute and silver handshake from the federal employer.
AND IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS…
President Goodluck Jonathan went to Europe and informed his audience that corruption in Nigeria is blown out of proportion; things aren’t as bad as we know them to be… Okay, then.
Our country is full of distortion
Especially talking corruption
And blow it all out of proportion
… and Russia is giving the rest of the world its middle finger in Ukraine.
There oncce was a country, #Crimea
Whose borders’ll now disappear
Cos Vladimir Putin
Is sticking the boot in
Regardless of #Ukraine‘s despair
As they say in Russia, dasvidaniya! Until the next roundup.