Yes, where is my invite. I have never been so angry. Immediately the idea for the National Conference came out, I indicated my interest to attend this talk shop that has been designed to rehabilitate tired politicians and technocrats while pretending to discuss issues of national interest.
I immediately went to my constituency in Shomolu to submit my name. We are a group of area boys who meet every Saturday morning to play football under the fruit tree and discuss politics. Some of the best arguments can be found here. The chairman who has not been too happy with me was only too happy to make my life miserable. I had over the past one month decamped from PDP to ACP, decamped back again to PDP and finally I’m now in APGA, simply because I was owing uche the provision shop boy who was a die hard APGA supporter. This inconsistency did not sit well with the Chairman, since I was distorting the power configuration within the group. Apparently, each time I move camp, all the calabar people followed me and the pure water selling boy did the same.
He stared at me and wanted to know why I wanted to go to the National conference, I told him that men who have never won an election, who have never cheated on their wives and who have never met Patience Jonathan should also have a say. He looked at me and with a whiff of smoke from his ugly nostrils said yes. He felt that with my bowlegs and strong command of the pidgin English, I would represent not only our group interest but that of the whole Shomolu well.
So I went back home very happy. My joy was short-lived when news suddenly filtered to me that one ijebu boy was chosen over me. I was incensed, apparently, he had a very beautiful sister who was light skinned and short and who sold oranges at the park. He had sent her to the chairman to request his attendance and that was how my mandate like Abiola’s mandate was scuttled.
Well I didn’t give up and took my case to Tinubu. Tinubu assured me that he will speak with Jonathan, his bosom friend. I relaxed and went shopping for the okrika I would wear. My confidence increased, when I met Jonathan at the CMS busstop on his way to the Eko Hotel. He stopped his motorcade and further assured me that my presence and contributions would go a long way to not only solve his 2015 presidential wahala and much more importantly, he needed me because he knows that I have the permanent solution to that Amaechi irritant.
When the list now came out I did not see my name o. I checked under shomolu, no Edgar, I checked Akwa ibom, no Edgar, I checked my house girl state Delta, no Edgar, I checked PMAN and still no Edgar. I became incensed and called Tinubu who referee me to his daughter, iyaoloja. I am now looking for my APC card before I go meet her.
How will we achieve greatness as a country, when sagacious people like me are left out and retired and hapless people are being called upon. People who don’t have Twitter accounts, people who have never heard of facebook, who are not in tune with current issues that affect world economy and world politics. All those people that are going for that con fence, how many of them know Pisterious, how many of them know that O.J. Simpson is in Jail. So how will they discuss international issues as it affects Nigeria.
That conference needs me o. Shomolu people are restless, the ijebu boy and his beautiful sister are in hiding as I move to reclaim my mandate. A mandate freely given to me by the people of shomolu, but stolen by the beautiful skin and sexy eyes of the ijebu water seller.
As we write, negotiations have commenced with the usurpers and the only condition I have given is for them to send the ijebu girl to me for just two weeks. Once this condition has been met, I will forget the mandate. Failure to do this, ASUU and NUPENG have assured me of their total support. Dem kuku they look for small excuse to go strike.