Drunk On Valentine by Nneoma Egwuonwu

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10 things I hate about valentine; first off, it’s not even a real holiday, people still go to work, students go to school, and the robbers still rob. I remember writing an exam on Val’s day, and this was the one time I actually had plans (yes, guys do tend to disappear around this time of the year) of course I was too busy thinking of how much fun I was going to have later that day to read thoroughly…naturally, the cover of my biro felt the heat, by the end of the exam, I had chewed it beyond recognition.

2. The annoying adverts! Everywhere you go, there’s a happy valentine sign, the silly events, it’s all too much

3. Suddenly, all the clothes in boutiques turn red, like Moses touched them or something. I’m 95% sure that there’s no rule that says you must wear red on Val’s day. Imagine if all the ladies decided to get red outfits, when you walk into a restaurant filled with a bunch of them, the vibe you’d get, will be more ‘cult meeting’ or ‘ritual location’ against the intended sexy and romantic one. I’m just saying, too much red in one place can hike a person’s blood pressure

4. Now this is more personal, Val’s day, steals the spotlight from my birthday, which happens to be on the 16th. What’s more annoying? When some smartass, decides to merge the two gifts (yes, i have met a lot of not so generous two-eyed creatures in my time, sad story).

I should probably stop here, because this is starting to sound like a hate mail, and that wasn’t my intention. This piece is actually about how to get through Val’s day, as a lone wolf, without going all Ted Bundy on every couple in sight, and this could be done the easy way, or the hard way.

So here’s the easy way; eat like it’s your last day on earth, drink till you’re deaf, and maybe finish it off with some ‘medical marijuana’ (I really hope my mother doesn’t get to read this). It’s like the perfect 3-course plan, the idea is to black out and not remember anything about the previous day. But just like the road to hell, you should probably avoid this one, try the narrow path first, and if that doesn’t work out…well, you tried.

Now the hard way has a lot to do with acceptance. You need to know that just because you’re single doesn’t mean you’re not good enough, you just haven’t found the right person that would respect, appreciate and adore you, just the way you are (come wrinkles, come cellulite) someone that would be able to cope with your flaws, without seeing it as a chore or a burden.



Seriously, no matter how quirky, bossy, bitchy or wacky your personality is, there’s someone designed to love you for that. But unless he’s a warlock of some sort, he’s not going to magically appear one day in your bedroom or work place, my point is, you have to go out more (or risk ending up like the cute lady in the picture). So instead of curling up on your bed or having a slumber party with your pets this Val’s day, I say buy a cute outfit, get your hair done like you have dinner plans with prince Harry, then go someplace fun…if you have a single friend you can go out with, then you’re in luck (misery loves company) just make sure you guys don’t do anything that would give people the impression that you’re a couple, because the plan is for you to have a great day, go home and sleep on your bed, not in ‘kiri kiri’ prison.

If you have more single friends, even better, 2 is company, 3 is a crowd, and 4 is a party! Go crazy, and by the time you get home you would be too wasted to realize you’re single. But, if you have to spend Val’s day alone, in every way, there are still things you could do. Get a massage; just make sure the masseur is a major eye candy, trust me, it would help. Pamper yourself, buy chocolates and fine wine, don’t cook, order takeout (make sure it’s junk…eating healthy is just depressing) don’t forget desert, throw in a good movie, and have yourself a solo movie-food fest. Word of advice, skip the comedies, because there’s bound to be two people falling in love in the most unnatural way, go for horror or thriller instead. According to psychology, you can’t feel two different emotions at the same time, I think fear is a strong one, and it lasts too (unlike happiness). You could try ‘My Bloody Valentine’, ‘Saw’, ‘The grudge’, or even ‘Curse of Chucky’ (if you dare), just make sure you have enough fuel in your generator to get you through the night. Other things you could do? Visit an orphanage or a homeless shelter or simply help out a colleague that has plans, so they could run back to their partners, selfless acts can be quite gratifying (so I’ve heard)

For the guys; I’m sure if they could, they would have the senate abolish the celebration entirely, I mean they have more important things to be sad about, like missing a football game or getting friend zoned and why not? Being single on Val’s day is more pocket friendly and drama-free for them anyway. Unless, his girlfriend just dumped him and he’s utterly heart broken, which rarely happens these days, because apparently every guy is playing Davy Jones now (you know, the octopus-like sailor that cut out and buried his heart after Calypso did him over). Just hang out with your boys, check out some hunnies, the easy way is more your style.

Truth is, Val’s day isn’t the end of the world, just try to have fun, don’t prank call or stalk your ex and his new squeeze…go shopping instead, read a good book or play video games, whatever works for you. Learn to enjoy your own company and when you do find someone, you could make 14th of every month Val’s day, to make up for the lost ones. But hey, if that’s taking forever, you could always join the BAN VALENTINE’S DAY club…membership is free.



Our team consists of a mix of the GOOD, the NAUGHTY and the most BEAUTIFUL people, just the way YOU want it served. We always have something to say whichever way you look at it. Appreciate us, Love us, Hate us (NOT) we are bound to crack you up whichever way.


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