Lamentations Of An Ugly Girl – Episode 3 (#LOAUG)

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I hung up before he could even say goodbye. “Vantage view, you would not like mug shots mumu”. I thought of his annoying choice of words. I was already expectant when his call came in at around 3:30pm on Friday; he obviously thought I was going to be fashionably late.

“Hey I quickly rushed home for something this afternoon, I would have called you but I have been very busy,” I answered without even hearing his voice on the other side.

“Hope all is well sha?” He asked. I told him it was not serious and we rescheduled to Monday morning.

Before midday on Monday, I called him to tell him that I was not feeling too well.

“If you wouldn’t mind I’d just take the pictures with my phone and send them to your mail,” I asked.

“Ok but I need the straight view and pictures of both sides” He replied waiting a few seconds before he said both sides. As soon as he sent me this email address(please who still uses hotmail?), the evil genius, Bola got to work, sending a screen shot “page loading” and tagged it pic 1 straight view and to others.

“Sent three already, go and check” I said without letting him utter a word before hanging up.

About an Hour later

“The page is not loading; I have not even seen the pictures at all”

“Why nah? Maybe I’d just send it again, Abeg no vex”

I retorted almost laughing at his misery before hanging up.

“Bola, Bola, see he has seen that one, Oya, the second set,” I called out. She was on another call whispering and probably hoping that I would not hear her from the kitchen.

“Who was that, Bola?”

“Nobody important” she answered escaping my gaze. I know better than to pester Bola if it is important, she would eventually spill. She sent the second set of pictures this time with screen shot blank page. Later that day, when Ridwan called again, my church-mind quickly chanced the witch part of me, at least I try nah, I gave him over 12 hours to Google for Ibadan girls with tribal marks, see me pitying the idiot o.

“Tolani, how do human beings know they are in love not the movies own o?” Bola asked in Yoruba while we were watching a Yoruba film.

“I don’t know, butterflies in your stomach, slow motion when you see the person,” I teased.

“Serious nah” she said with a stern voice depicting her seriousness.

“Maybe, heartbeats, unexplainable joy, you can’t help but laugh sort of”

“Tolani, I think I’m in love” I stopped the film then faced her.

Were my ears failing me?, Mobolanle Philips in love: impossible, this babe is a feminist to the point of no return, doesn’t think a woman needs a man to be complete, she seriously hates fairytales and loves to a fault one-night-stands and sexcapades and her ridiculous rule of getting out of bed first after sex. How can she fall in love?

“Ah! You have to be joking, Iwo ke”

“I’m dead serious”

“Since when, with who, do I know him?”

“I can’t even explain, about 2 weeks ago, when I met him at the sport complex when I was looking for my rep. I almost ran him over because I was pinging”

“So you guys haven’t talked abi, what’s his name?”

“Chike, his name is Chike.  I had to apologize, so I gave him a ride; we met the next day and we got talking, I like the guy, he seems cool and nice too, his facials try too” she said with a smug look because she knew I’d ask.

“But do you think he likes you or he is feeling you at least?”

“I think so, I don’t know, he calls me, we talk a lot, I can’t say from those ones abi?” She sighed before continuing “I like him gan-an but, but , but” she stammered. “…is he disabled, ugly, oh because he is Ibo, wait o is he too old” I ran my mouth before she cut in.

“Shey you will let me talk before you start jumping to conclusions; he is a little challenged on the financial side”. She uttered.

Though Bola is quite rich and spoilt, she hardly rates anyone and does not even refer to anyone by his or her monetary standards so forget the grammar; this guy has to be poor like below half a dollar a day poor. God forgive my mouth.

“Aren’t you going to say anything” She caught me out my thought.

“I don’t know. What do you want me to say?”


“It is well” My church lingo came to bare. She asked me not to tell Viv and Liz that he was coming to her place in two days, I refused and we agreed to tell them so we’d all be around when he comes.

In simple jean and shorts, we sat awaiting Bola’s boyfriend (wey never toast am) Liz was busy bad-mouthing Bola when we heard someone knock on the door. We readjusted to plan, Bola went to the kitchen preparing food or so we wanted him to think while Liz and I were supposed to be playing scrabble forming smart girls nah.

“Oh! I’m sorry, I was told this is Bola’s place”, I heard when Viv opened the door. Vivian then ushered him in, before we could call Bola out of the kitchen as planned, she was already out, hugging and cuddling him. This babe can like to fall hand.

“Pardon my manners, I’m Chike and I believe you are Bola’s friends” he said before Bola thought it right to introduce us. We chatted about everything from fashion to sport (only the one I know is that C.Ronaldo the hot guy who plays for Real Madrid and Messi is the football geek. The guy no try at all). He seemed quite smart with a great sense of humour, at least I laughed like thrice.

“Ladies, I’m sorry I must go now I have a whole lot of other things to cover today, maybe some other time?”

You should have seen Bola’s face, it was as if she was left behind after rapture.

“Bola, you no dey try o of all the boys on this campus, Omo Ibo yii, did you see the guy’s collar?” Liz began

I saw that when he was taking off his shoes before he entered. It had turned brown either from too many a use or from not too many a wash.

“Abeg, which one is Omo Ibo in the matter nah” Viv interjected.

“At least he didn’t go and borrow shirt,” Bola replied with all seriousness.

“Me, I know poor guys that have clean collars sha, the texture of his palm ehn, if e catch your bobbi ehn, if e no burst am nah small e go remain. I pity you” Viv said hoping to start a joke. It was not funny at that moment maybe we would laugh later.

“See, am telling you , go and find all those Omo Baba Olowo like you for boyfriend, this one go tell you say make you bring all your papa money nii ooooo.”

“Ah ah Elizabeth” I shouted, cutting her short before she uttered something stupid.

At this point, I am quite confused, like I am not class racist (couldn’t  find a better word abeg) but this guy is obviously way below Bola’s status while the babe is probably doing eatery, he’d probably be hustling bread and beans, the babe has a car, he doesn’t. I cannot even decipher where this is going, here is Bola; never falls in love, feminist only God knows when she will meet another person if she leaves him. Men on the other hand can never be trusted but wait ooo why has he not even asked her out yet? Maybe

a)     He is quite shy of the different class status and does not want to seem like a gold digger.

b)    He knows Bola might ask him so whenever shit happens he would be like “I never liked you, you asked me out remember.”

c)      This is all a well-orchestrated plan of a gold-digger. Yeepa

Today, I’d really need your opinions as you comment because I am confused and I have since been stylishly dodging the “What do you think of him?”

What do you think I should say to Bola?

P.S: I am a writer although I might not be able to tell my story adeptly but I can do that completely and truthfully.



MEET T-LINES for the past 13weeks or more you have been reading the escapades and sexcapades of Tolani Gbadamosi popularly known as Lines. Somehow, someway, somewhere in your hearts resonante some sort of emotion albeit love hate, pity and even happiness and i am glad that you have taken this series very seriously and read religiously week in and week out. Now is the time y’all finally meet me. I am Gbadamosi Tolani, a character created by writer Oluwabi Mobolaji,who is a reader’s writer and a writer’s reader and yes I am a guy….. scratch that I am a man before you start with your after thoughts. Surprised ehn. Catch me as I blog irregularly on .follow me on twitter @embijay and keep with the hashtag #loaug while you enjoy the rest of your favorite series. Ciao


  1. If I was the guy,this will be my reason:
    a) He is quite shy of the different class
    status and does not want to seem like a
    gold digger.

  2. T lines,if the guy really likes bola,he might be afraid to tell cause of status issues,but if Bola like am make he tell am now…….no time

  3. gold digger or silver digger..its neither..d guy doesn’t knw hw to chaik babe that’s why..he shuld go nd learn frm d masters…@lines, hw far nah

  4. give the guy a chance, I.think he is scared and bola should be smart sha, the moment he get demanding or comfortable with her buying him stuff, he is a gold-digger.

  5. I think in the end it’s her decision, so.just a be good friend and be honest with her no matter how it is and whatever she decides just be there 4 her and protect her.

  6. There’s a difference between being dirty and being poor. Bola is a true activist because if there’s nothing wrong in a rich guy dating a poor chick, why should there be a problem with the reverse?

  7. Normally, I’d wait till y’all comment(waiting for the regulars) but I just want to tell you that I saw this beeaaaautifuuuuul babe with Lines. Hers is 4 on each syd. I would have taken a picture but I didn’t know how to ask. So s/outs to her like maaaaddddd. Ok! Back to the matter, don’t open anything smellng sha …

  8. @red ruby, I am in no means tribalistic, I was just stating all the possible reasons she culd be haviing second tots about. I am sorry if It came out so
    @shadow, no oo except u av a plan, what can an ugly girl do without God and u guys…
    @jimmy, I dunno oo buh u know the way we women think and we want all those pampering. Thanks tho

  9. @dashingfaboulous, @niyola234 tanks
    mucacho I see you
    Bimz, Joke and busayo you have really shaped my decision.
    Jimmy tanx….
    Sidebar; ash, do u like carryng last on these things. Waitin 4 ur comment tho,
    All in all, I really do apprc8 ur advises.
    Sidebar of the Sidebar: share using the hashtag #loaug
    Help make an ugly girl trend…

  10. Worst nightmare,if u dnt have anytn better to say, shut up or else I ll be ur worst nghtmare… Dis is d best write up I’ve seen this year…. T-lines, I luv u and I can’t wait for ur nxt episode…. If u feel lines lemee hear u say TWALE

  11. I really love this article. The dude could be any of the three, Bola shld take her chances buh the ‘koko’ is that her friends shld be with her all the way.

  12. They are really not on the same page socially, it really depends on her at the end of the day. Such relationships might have a lot of loopholes but if she feels it doesn’t matter, then let her give it a try and see how far it goes

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