Opinion: Girls in Rap Videos by @sir_castiq

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Girls in rap videos have always held great fascination for me. I mean, where else can one find such uncomplicated, eager, easy to impress girls. Take a typical scenario. Rapper X walks into a club, he’s dressed like a portable aboki’s shop, you know, the type you meet in the street hawking gold chains. He’s covered head to toe in tattoos and for some reason his lip is all shiny. I’m often puzzled at this particular fact. Do they force them to eat fried yam before shooting? Does it make the singing better? His clothes are another issue.

Rappers have traditionally had abysmal dress sense. You find the smooth, suave R’n’B types in suits (We love you Justin Timberlake), Rock stars channelling their inner rebel in leather jackets (Linkin Park FTW!!), but for some reason, all these rappers can find to dress up in are baggy shirts, saggy jeans, and the omnipresent boxer shorts. Just look at Lil’ Wayne. His underwear is in every single video.

I am yet to impress a single girl by strutting around in my underwear. Maybe I’m not getting the walk right. Some of you might mention D’banj. Well he does dress better these days but DON’T TELL ME NONSENSE(*sorry bad pun*), he isn’t a rapper. When they aren’t in their underwear, they wear these strange clothes. Where do they get them? It must be tough to be a tailor to these guys. You come in expecting a tailoring gig and next thing you’re a therapist.

Rapper X : “I want it to be like a military uniform, but look like a priest’s robe too,you know? It should be both spiritual and militant, you dig?”. Delusions everywhere.

Yeah back to the girls. Rapper X walks in, girl Y looks up. She sees him looking all kinds of Flavor Flav shiny and she just melts… that’s the logic right? Bypass the brain and go right to the evolutionary magpie instinct. Girls like shiny stuff, you are shiny, ego they like you, shey? In rap videos maybe. In real life, girls, or at least the kind worth bothering about avoid shiny, crass individuals. IMHO.

Bad thing is, I’m starting to see this shiny lip thing in real life. I’m just sitting minding my business and I hear a friend’s voice, I look up to say hi and I’m shocked to find my MALE friend looking like he just gave CPR to a dying akara. It just unnerves me. Lip gloss, Lip balm. Aside from the Lip, they don’t even look alike. How can you mistake them? The tattoos are spreading too. I’m not against emulating dem white dudes but when Tunde(aka Shadow) from the hood decides to tattoo “God forgives, I don’t”, I understand the sentiment. I just can’t see it.

Literally, since the dude is so black he’s invisible at night. The problem with tattoos in this country is the low standards of the industry. If you are going to become an artist, and draw on paper, which is erasable, you need to know how to draw. To tattoo you don’t. This is the sad reason for so many dudes with tattoos of Zach Galifianakis who asked for Jesus in the first place. I digress.

Yes, Rapper X walks into the room, sporting enough jewelery to roof a duplex, hot girl Y takes a look at him and suddenly without knowing anything about him, whether he’s a smoker, a heavy drinker, whether he likes to skin pretty girls alive and wear their skins as funny hats, no info whatsoever, the girl falls in love. (Not talking to you Lynxxx, We all know your parents entered the Konami code when they were trying for you.  Up up down down left right left right B A, Nine months later, pink lipped, chocolate skinned hunkness.)

Notice I said love, because the rapper’s ego doesn’t let the girl be only after the money. She has to love him for his “SWAG”. So two scenes later, she’s all over him like Ekosodin boys on a fresher. See, I wasted the past 21 years of my life. Instead of going to school, learning to dress, learning to talk smooth, and being a gentleman, I could have just cultivated some Rapper Swag and that would have been the end of it.

A large number of the girls I’ve met are hands off at first but with Rapper Swag, you can walk up to a girl and touch any body part you like. Rapper Swag is like being Neo in the matrix. No matter what you need done, you don’t need to learn how, just try it and you’ll be awesome. Anything at all, Snooker, Basketball, Chess, Poker, anything.  Just ask Davido in any of his videos. I even suspect Rapper Swag might cure cancer. They should bottle the stuff.

I understand though. It must be hard being an artiste. One little thing(sorry Wande) could ruin an entire career. I respect D’banj for this. With all his Kokomaster and no long thing bragging, he must either be Hulk sized or employ Olivia and the rest of the Scandal team as his PR agents. It’s all good in music videos. The girls are always willing. Kissing, touching, other-things-ing with such abandon. It’s never that time of the month. She never has Tafame assignment due tomorrow, or an early Olagbegi class to worry about.

So much unnecessary patience and understanding expended over the years, when I could just have fixed everything with a small dose of Rapper Swag. I’ll say, I like the rap video girls though. They totally replace the need for porn. Watch one k-switch video and your “booooiiing” quota for the day is filled. (GF, if you are reading this, those girls are ugly as hell and in no way compare to you. I’m serious. I’m totally not just saying this because I don’t want to sleep outside tonight.).

To get Jumia coupon codes for Rapper Swag or offer me a place to sleep, follow me on Twitter @sir_castiq…

Redd-Berckley

Redd-Berckley

Aquarius, Sarcastic, Absent minded genius. Lagos born, raised all over the place. I love laughing, not always at people though. I love music, well when it’s music. When it’s 2Chains, you’ve lost me. Tech groupie, Gadget Surgeon, Professional Sceptic. Avid Reader. Girl Lover.

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