Everybody has needs. In fact, that’s what Maslow’s popular theory is all about; an order of human needs on a scale of importance.
Everybody has SEXUAL needs. Maslow’s pyramid ranks this in the middle of his five-step hierarchy; a placement everyone reading this can agree is faulty. You animals rank sex the number one need in your lascivious lives, don’t lie!
As it turns out, God (with his omniscient sense of humor) has made it such that there is an unequal access to gratification for mortals. So while some lucky bastards are scoring orgasms with diverse partners every day (my jealous side hopes you all die of a cocktail of horrific STDs), the rest of us (*sniff*) have to rely on untoward DIYs or “handy solutions” in our quest to balance our hormonal konji levels… *babanla SIGH!*
It’s not all gloom and doom for us, thankfully. According to a recent Harvard Nursery & Primary School, Onome Junction, Warri study, “self-sufficient” (auto-sexual) individuals actually have it better than their less proactive, partner-dependent mates.
Here are 25 world-altering finds as outlined by the GENIUS team:
- Your hand doesn’t have siblings that you need to bribe or avoid because you’re nacking its sister.
- You never ever go through the harrowing experience of toasting your own hand at the risk of rejection and public disgrace.
- Your hand doesn’t need to be taken to Silverbird to watch movies or to KFC to stuff its fat face before it gives up the coochie.
- Your hand doesn’t care if you’re ugly and broke. Doesn’t mind entering Danfo bus with you, in fact it will actively assist you hang on to the bus railings + retrieve your fare from your pockets and hand over to the conductor. #Devotion
- Your hand doesn’t have headaches or scheduled appointments with the gynecologist. It doesn’t have PMS. or periods… PERIOD!
- You don’t have to sneak your hand into your bedroom when your parents are asleep and your wicked 32year old step-brother you share a room with has gone back to boarding school. It is ubiquitous like that. #winning
- It will never say NO to you. If you need pleasure, it is at your beck and call; ANYTIME, EVERYTIME.
- Never asks for head. Doesn’t need you to go down on it; just slather with saliva lotion and you’re good to go.
- No need for contraceptives, I mean, you CAN’T impregnate your hand (but wouldn’t that be awesome?? You could have like, 10 hands or something, and that’s like 10 times more fap potential, good lord, evolution needs to take note!)
- Won’t change the channel to E! or BBA when you’re watching Champions League Final or the most decisive Premiership game of the season.
- Your hand doesn’t ask you for money to do its hair or buy BB for it or buy a new dress. And if it does, gloves/hand sanitizers aren’t expensive; little gifts are truly appreciated and the result of said gratitude is instant and very visible.
- When you’re done prakking, you don’t need to cuddle with your hand and talk about the future and shit.
- Your hand will NEVER cheat on you! Or bring home some nasty infection it contracted from the 400year old landlord who promised 9k + Samsung S4 just to “put the tip inside”.
- Your hand ACTUALLY helps for the rest of its lifetime with other non-sexual chores, not just when the going is good or the relationship is new and feels a need to impress.
- 100% more amenable to a ménage than a secondary partner. It will ALWAYS agree to a threesome, and will put in the required effort needed to get your other partner off.stroking, caressing, kneading; your palm is ever active in the selfless department of pleasuring you or the other party (Added benefit: not shy to be on cam, real “stand-up” limb!)
- Doesn’t pretend not to like porn.
- Never gossips with its fellow hands that your sex game is wack and you have a tiny tool. Very very discreet!
- Isn’t jealous of other hands. Doesn’t shirk at the thought of shaking an “enemy”, and will assist in the necessary act of bitch-slapping a hater. #AwesomeLikeThat
- Doesn’t tell you that you’re fat.
- If for any reason you “fall out” with a limb, there’s a spare waiting to take its place! (falling out not even necessary) #Variety
- Never asks for commitment. Or an engagement ring. Or expensive wedding. Or any of that exotic-honeymoon foolishness.
- It knows its place, always! And if by chance that ever changes and it directly or indirectly causes you distress, slice one finger, and another, and another, and then immolate the son-of-a-b@%#&!! Show it who’s boss! You won’t be charged for causing someone else’s child bodily harm.
- No risk of your hand having marine spirit or witchcraft pedigree. You won’t wake up at night with some Eze-Nwanyi and her band of aquatic minions in your room chanting “kill him, kill him, blood blood blood, wigi wagi, wigi waga, ya ya ya!” #TrueStory
- Contains the all-important middle finger required to flip off them insensitive, nay-saying b*tches who aren’t in tune with your thirst. Fuck them, really! (I forgot, you’d literally be doing that if they gave you the chance, but you can’t, so we come back to the primary usefulness of said hand)
- Your hand doesn’t fake orgasms. F@%k it, the damn thing doesn’t even need to cum, unlike all those needy babes.. Rabbish!!
There you have it, people. As relevant a report as it is true. Sadly, the converse report on benefits of girlfriend over hand was “unfortunately” destroyed in a fiery fire that razed the ENTIRE document in its water-proof cabinet. Thankfully, no other paper or stationery, property or life was lost in this “selective inferno”. But I’m sure nobody is disappointed about that, aye?
Guys, you know the drill. Don’t dull.
Ladies, if you like keep hoarding punny and bogging us down with your outrageous needs and demand, our team of elite scientists are working on a variety of manly pleasure-aids including 3D porn glasses (android & iOS compatible), portable vaginas, and “sexy microchips” for nutting-off at the speed of thought. Concurrently, government legislation is being induced to outlaw dildos and vibrators. YOU WILL LOSE.