360submissions: What They Call “Mind Fucking” by Alissa

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Dating, I’ve decided, is an art. An art that, I am yet to master. An art that I probably won’t ever master. An art that I don’t think I want to master.
Dating sucks.
Dating is evil.
I never want to date again. Ever.
Granted, I have been dealing with some heartbreak as of late. But that’s really irrelevant. My recent heartbreak is completely independent of the fact that dating sucks, dating is evil and dating is the art of mind-fucking.
I know the term mind-fucking is a tad bit harsh. But that’s exactly what it is. Fucking with someone else’s mind to convince that person to like you or to be someone you’re not for the sake of being a so-called “challenge.” Fuck that.
This is a really pathetic thing to admit, but I would estimate that roughly half (or more) of the books that I own are relationship-oriented. Every single one of them is about how to “play the game.” Well, I don’t want to play. I refuse. I am emotionally incapable of mind-fucking someone. It’s just wrong.
Maybe these coy little games and tricks worked decades ago, but think about the roles women played in society. They were primarily mothers and housewives. It was proper for them to be coy. It was expected that they would be stupid and not have an opinion. It was expected that they would follow the man’s lead because, well, what did they contribute to the household? Why should they have a say?
I don’t see the relationships referenced above as being partnerships. That’s what I want. That’s what I deserve. How can one really have a partner in life playing games and mind-fucking?
I’ve been told that some great ways to get men to “chase” you are: ignoring text messages, ignoring phone calls, delaying in responding to text messages, keeping messages short–whatever you do, don’t “overcommunicate.” Really? How stupid. Why can’t I be myself? If someone that I like calls me or sends me a text message or an e-mail and I am available to take the call or respond to the text or e-mail, why can’t I? Why shouldn’t I? I don’t like these asinine rules.
So, let me get this straight. A woman gets a man to like her by ignoring him and not overcommunicating?
And women have to be careful because there’s a fine line there. If you blow him off too much, he may get frustrated and give up. If you want him to start chasing you again, just send him a short text or find an excuse to call him so that he’ll come running back. When he does come calling, ignore him and don’t overcommunicate. That’s fabulous advice.
I’ve given this a lot of thought. A lot. I’ve analyzed it. Talked to myself about it.
I think that two people who like each other should be able to be who they are without fear of breaking some rule. Forget the rules.
When I first met the person who recently broke my heart, we both said we didn’t want to play games. And we didn’t. We were open and honest. As a result, we had an open and honest relationship. He told me what he thought about anything and everything. I did the same. We built a relationship based on trust and honesty. I always knew that whatever he told me was true. Never doubted. Never questioned. I trusted him 100%. As a result, I could truly be me. I felt comfortable. That’s a really BIG deal.
After some time, he told me that he didn’t feel the “spark.” After discussing everything, he came to this conclusion: I wasn’t enough of a challenge. I was too open. And though that’s what he wanted–what he told me he was looking for–he felt that the games (the mind-fucking) are part of the attachment process for men.
 Ok, fine.
We didn’t talk for a while and then he started coming around again. Keeping what he had told before in mind, I tried (quite unsuccessfully) to play “the game.” I didn’t want to be “too available” or respond “too quickly” to a text message. God forbid I “overcommunicate.”
Misery soon set in. I was so worried about doing everything just right–not saying too much or saying the wrong thing–and being this perfect person that I couldn’t be me. I lost myself in the process of trying to play this game. Of trying to mind-fuck someone. It doesn’t work. Not for me.
We recently decided to be “just friends.” Although I care for him deeply and want more than friendship, I feel like a weight has been lifted. I am free. I don’t have to worry about my next move. I don’t have to worry about what to say or what not to say. I can just be me. How refreshing.
I’ve come to this conclusion: playing these games leads to mistrust, jealousy and insecurity. That’s exactly how I want to feel when I’m dating someone. I think these games breed a sense of competitiveness–an unhealthy competitiveness based on who can out mind-fuck the other. And no one wins. Someone always ends up getting hurt. Always.
If finding someone to share in life’s experiences with me means that I have to jump on the mind-fucking bandwagon, I suppose I will remain single. It’s just not worth it to me. I’d rather be true to myself and be who I am and be single than compromise who I am, be miserable doing it and “date” someone.
The best relationships, I believe, are built on trust, honesty, mutual respect and admiration. It’s all about having fun and being who you are through and through. It’s so not about who can out mind-fuck the other.
Pure poppycock?
Yes. I’d like to think so.
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2 comments

  1. I believe relationships should be open, it should about helping each other be the best and not trying to be better than each other.

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