An Open Letter To All Nigerian Restaurants: DEAR RESTAURANTEUR…

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Hello gorgeous people, I have deviated from the norm this week. Following a spate of bad service and feeling ripped  off, I have decided to take laws into my own hands.  Please find below my letter to Uncle Restauranteur.

Shall we call this post, Dear Restauranteur.

Dear Restauranteur,

Thank you for opening such a fabulous place. I write this candidly to draw your attention to certain things that have badgered me since I last visited. Please find below the list of things;

Is it possible that when I enter your restaurant your waiters have the presence of mind to stop chatting amongst themselves? Can they  show me a table or ask me where I would like to sit? When I have taken my seat, please give a few minutes to peruse the menu! There’s a reason why you have a long list of food …..even the ones I can’t pronounce. Perhaps, you could start by teaching your waiters the pronunciation of these names so that they can in turn, school me right when I manage to screw up the pronunciation.  Bros, while you are doing that, please also let them know halitosis and body odour are a huge turn off. It would be of benefit to all parties involved that as a customer, I am there to be served, so please serve and move on…. still on this issue of waiters, can they not give me an attitude when I change my mind about something I have ordered?

Sir, could you please explain why as a patron of your grand establishment, I am expected to pay service charge, VAT, consumption tax, “well done sir- turn this way sir- open the door for madam -happy weekend sir tax “and then be regarded as evil or stingy when I don’t give huge tips or no tip at all? Its called dining out, not going bankrupt. Come to think of it, does the service charge go into your pockets or  the waiter gets it? No vex say I ask oh. To the best of my knowledge, you pay either service charge or you tip. but una dey do us wayo in this town we pay both.

I once asked a waiter at your establishment why my wine was not poured in front of me ? Yes i buy by the glass….. I know. I shall graduate to buying  bottles some day soon. He  said management did not fancy that.  If you have a nice range of wines which you always display and describe with the year of manufacture and all,  perhaps it would be a nice idea to let me really verify that its what I am getting. Ehnnehnn, i should also use this medium to ask why your wines & liquor are cut throat prices . Haba, the price of 1 glass can buy me 1 bottle o. Oluwa mi uncle restauranteur, haf marcy oh.

I ordered an entree the last time I visited, your absentminded waiter mixed up the order and it was not cooked to standard,when I asked that it should be returned he starred me down reminding me that I still had to pay for it. Who does that? May I suggest that when you “mistakenly” serve substandard meals at a premium and the client returns it, there’s no moral justification to charge the said client. I would like  to have value for my money please.

What is with the portion you serve these days? I understand that you are anti- fat but some of us orobos need our  big girl portions, I don’t want to spend all that money and leave hungry, it makes me binge eat when I get back home….. choi, your desserts  ehnNa die. If your chef doesn’t know to make desserts, outsource it to me or send him or her to me for training. Still vivid in mind, is a case of a certain pannacota and chocolate mousse. It was unbelievably small and I still got charged an arm and a leg.  Isookay. Help us out please, serve yummy desserts at  a reasonable price but if you insist on charging a premium, please make it worth every kobo..

So I am a Lagos chic, I have to freshen up after my meal…. you know that chop and clean mouth thing we Lagos girls do? You cant blame us na , we have the menfolk to impress. So when I get into that restroom, it would be nice to have a ladylike room, dainty and all. I know you can’t possibly be happy with smelly restrooms and wet floors. It won’t be appealing stepping  out of that restroom smelling like I swiped my body with a dead rat. You catch the drift?

Lastly, could you please train / educate your waiters that after I have paid all the payables, they should please bring my change back? I am tired of waiters assuming that my change is their transport  fare home. What if I decide the change was too small and I wanted to tip in forex, na so dem go do bebeto collect coins leave better money.

Thank you for understanding.

I hope this mail will be treated as urgent.

Kind Regards

The Critic.

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The Critic

The Critic

I love all things beautiful and luxurious. Pastry chef during the day, food writer at "other times". Dinning out? Ask me! Visit me at for more.


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