Kay’s 360 On Everything: Why You Should Be Worried About Nigeria’s Anti-Gay Laws… Seriously

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I cannot recall the exact class I was in, but I am sure it was in Junior Secondary School. Apparently, facing a wickedly burgeoning population, some smartass slit-eyed Chin in China had fashioned a solution: a belt that would shrivel your seminal vesicles, the glands responsible for producing the slime you convulsively eject after a pleasurable encounter with any of a hand or two, a buccal cavity or two, a vajayjay or two, and a backdoor or two.

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Uhm… me exception

Naturally, such a product would be hundred-a-yuan in China and so being Nigerians that we are, one of us, smirking that wicked smirk of soulless businessmen, decided to import these belts to Nigeria. Now, these belts were beauties, certainly unlike any of the shower we all wore prior to the sudden proliferation of these bealties. Plus, instead of impaling midriffs on belt needles, we could simply clasp the belt to fit. No holes or any such belty orifices. And because two is madness, five is fashion, the Chin-made belts became all the rage. I can’t remember now why I never bought for myself: my father either told me to shove it because the belt I had was tawny, scrawny leather, built to best ten Hiroshimas and a couple of Nagasakis, or maybe something else. Please note that I also cannot comment about the veracity of the rumour’s claims.

Much later, a national outcry finally made its way around the Olosunta and into Ikere-Ekiti. The Principal of my school, Elder Adeyemi Bello, caused a special assembly to be called, and described to us news-starved boarding house folks in excruciating detail how some idiot Nigerian businessman was gonna make sure Chin Do Belt made eunuchs of us all. May have been the first time I heard the word “sperm”, except of course it is possible that the old man may have found fun ways to describe it without describing it. Old Yoruba folk have made descriptional voodoo an art form.

Anyways, cue mass belt sheddings. You’d have thought my previously proud friends were wearing vipers for belts. Elder Bello made sure to show us a particular element of the belt that was allegedly responsible for evaporating our seminal vesicles, and truly, this device, an odd-looking contraption somewhere in the head of the belt, looked the part – a tiny equivalent of a thousand Jada Fires simultaneously invoking the life out of your lifetime sperm production.

This though, is not to tell tales of my secondary school (mis)adventures.

We return to China again. Concerned that one in every two human beings in the world may be slit-eyed or have Chin in her name, the Chinese Communist Party introduced the One-Child policy in 1978. It got so bad that parents with more than one child were not entitled to the same benefits as those with one child, and some wealthy folks could pay government some money so that it would allow them sire a second.

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Chin Bo, one child or you rot jail!

According to this here article, the UN says Nigeria’s population is likely to surpass the US’s before it is 2050. According to the United States Census Bureau, the United States’ population stood at 313.9million as at 2012. I imagine this figure does not include all the Sanchezes and Carloses that make it over the Mexico-US border. According to the Nigerian Population Commission (and you may garnish their words with just one pinch of salt before swallowing it), Nigeria’s population stood at 167,912,561 as at 2011. I imagine, again, that this figure does not include all the fine foreign folk that stroll over our national borders at the over one thousand illegal entry points Mr Abba Moro and his fine beard says there are into the country. And, shocker, by 2100, Nigeria is expected to be slugging it out with China for the second spot on the Most Peopled Country in the World countdown, India having kicked China off the top at about 2025. Competing in the billionaires’ club.

And you think traffic in Lagos is terrible.

There will be 9 million private cars in Lagos
and Danfos, and kekes you can’t ignore

– Katie Melua

India apparently doesn’t really give a crap about hemming in its population. Or to put it better, unlike China, India operates a democracy, and when you operate a democracy, there are those fancy things called human rights you must appear to uphold. Who is government to tell me how many bastards to sire? Ta n baba gofment n’le yi? Oin? But in China, somebody will kung-fu your dissenting ass to the nearest jail soon as you run afoul of its stringent rules. Human rights, our yellow bums, yeah, Li Keqiang?

Right about now, you are getting shifty and wondering when the first “gay” will appear, as the title of the article says it is about gay people. There: two in one sentence; you gay now?

I have maintained that the gay whatsitnot passed by the National Assembly is consistent with the flavour of the times. A poll conducted in the week of June 3rd, 2013, by NOI Polls seems to back up my stance: 92% of Nigerians polled from all the geographical zones are in support of the Anti Same-Sex Bill, as opposed to just 4% who are against it. Now, since the details of how NOI Polls undertook its polling are not available to me, I cannot comment on the validity of its generalization. Be that as it may, from my interactions with people, I would say I find it to be consistent with the views of most Nigerians. This is where I clarify that I am in fact against any legislation that seeks to take legitimate freedoms away, but I do understand where this particular legislation derives its legitimacy from. And to people alarmed about the speed of its passage I say: this is perhaps the only issue before the Assembly that can be passed thus; the lawmakers would have had record-breaking unity on this issue. It is tantamount to political harakiri to attempt to mount any sort of resistance to the legislation in the official political circles. Of course, activists and pretend-activists can, and should yap till thy kingdom come; it is yapping that gives them value.

You, dear reader, if you have made it thus far, should be worried about that bill because it is the only legitimate weapon we have for population control. Take a few moments. Let that sink in.

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And Jack froze for Rose…

Shall we begin again?

Will an attempt by government to enforce population control measures work in Nigeria, when we eventually come to terms with the fact that we are blowing up faster than an American woman on cholesterol? No, certainly not in the South West where every man (and woman) is a professor waiting to profess. Or something. We operate a democracy – pretend as it is – around here; human rights – pretend as it is – will be upheld. Any attempt to foist sperm-eating belts upon us, or prescribe an upper limit for families’ offspring, is doomed to failure.

The thing about allowing guys marry guys and chicks marry chicks is this: if they are true to their word to be gay, wholly gay, and nothing but gay, fewer and fewer children will automatically be born. And if fewer children are born, population explosion is essentially curtailed. And I propose that the Assembly even consider another element when consideration is being given the enthronement in law of gay rights in Nigeria: enforced homosexuality. Any couple who has more than two children is automatically declared gay, put in gaytention centres and “orientationed”. I imagine there is many an American ex-inmate that cannot resist making the famous Nigerian quick buck, by becoming orientation officers at The Centre. Oops, you dropped the soap…

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Pick up the soap… dammit.

This way, the Kasumu who lives on my street, in a hovel, will put a plug in his pee-hole instead of subjecting 7 children to resounding poverty; and de guy nefa stop!. Ajala Yemi is with me on this one, yeah, Tall One? Take this option, or watch as Lagos’ population becomes 200million people and 400million cars by 2100. Nigerians, troop out en masse, occupy Nigeria even, and demand that your elected representatives repeal those anti-gay laws posthaste. Occupy Nigeria, so that you will not Occupy Nigeria.

Hopefully, by then, I’ll either be dead or hanging on by the threads of a spider’s cobweb.

P.S: I still cannot decide if this is tongue-in-cheek or not.

Kayode Faniyi

Kayode Faniyi

I’m a balloon; the deflating sort. I fizz about. I’m @Il__Duce on Twitter, where I fizz about some more. http://kayodefaniyi.blogspot.com

1 comment

  1. Kayode Faniyi, I wish Ʊя parents were gays, let ♍ε̲ see how a rat that you would have been can write an article

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