YUZEDO: Let’s Talk About 5+3+X!

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“Desperate times call for desperate excuses” – via Twitter

Every great commander gets called back (against his will or not) to lead the troop into “one last battle”… Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger) in Commando, Maximus (Russell Crowe) in Gladiator, Ahanna (Okey Igwe) in Rattlesnake 2, Michael Jordan (Chicago Bulls) in the NBA…. And many other ridiculously inglorious examples I can’t readily recollect. Now, our hero either justifies why he was thought of as THE man, to the admiration of those who sought his recall, or a quick headshot dispels his indispensability and reinforces Monsieur Charles de Gaulle’s immortal words, “the graveyards are full of indispensable men.”

I make no pretences to indispensability. I have been away for a while. I apologize. My excuse? Age and corporate responsibility caught up with me, and slowed me down to almost-irreversible lethargy. Apology over. Shake hands and be friends? Good. Gracious of you. Okay. Moving on.

Anyway, my writing skills were entering full atrophy when I had the chance to sit down over ice-creams with the wonderful Ms. T.

We talked. We laughed. We deliberated. We laughed some more. But I came away with one charge; Uzo, you have to suspend this hiatus of yours. Get back to writing; meaningful, relevant articles.

So I’m here, back, and trying to be less funny and more hard-hitting.

Who says you can’t be funny AND hard-hitting? I do! Cos ain’ nobody got time fo’ that! LOL!

What I DO have time for, is to talk about some salient subjects as foHORNYcation takes a different course.

Today’s topic: Bi-Sexualism!

Hah! I see y’all squirming in your seats and shit, yo! 90% of y’all guilty of that sh*t. LOOOOOL! Y’all don experimented with that sh*t at one point in yo sexual lives. I see you! LMAO! Yo, it’s cool. No really, it’s cool. Don’t run away, we ain’ casting stones and shit bruh.. Hehehehehe… Lil’ Faggit! :p

Ok, I kid. Seriously now, let’s take a “casual” look at the two genders and what some random nigga thinks about bi-sexuality. I will speak in the context of homosexuality because, honestly? That’s what it is. Ain’ no difference between six and half-a-dozen. LOL!


Ok, if you a lesbian, then we cool. This post isn’t for you. You can go on now, take your fine, little, girl-loving ass home. Bless you boo. Oh glory! Strut on in those Louboutins and ankle-chains y’all just love to love while you go. LOL! Ain’ no nigga in this world gon deny he don’ like some coochie-on-coochie action. Ain’ no nigga gon front like he don’t get kicks from girl-on-girl play. IT’S ALLOWED, YO! Endorsed by UN, “wHO” and PLAN (Porn Lovers Association of Nigeria™) of which I am the able Founder, Chairman AND Secretary-General, thank you very much.

Caveat: (as long as girls stay giving it up, every nigga has that fantasy of hitting two girls at once, and this presents the perfect opportunity. But if you are EXCLUSIVELY into girls, we hate yo uppity ass, and you’re liable to be called that five-letter names that start with “B”.. So die! LOL)



I mean, it’s obvious that y’all got a big-ass problem! Any n*gger that don’t like pu*ssy got a f*cking problem! EVERYBODY likes p*ssy! Even women like p*ssy. I can’t understand why nigga like d*ck. Or (the wrong gender) ass for that matter!

Now, I wouldn’t call myself homophobic. Let’s be clear on that. I’ve read enough stories especially about helplessness to your flesh’s preference, and violence towards gay people to develop an amount of empathy towards people with such orientation. If that’s your thing? Hey, as long as you don’t come on to the wrong person *shrug*

But where I find things are unpalatable is risky sexual behavior, crossing-over to affect ME. I’m talking anal sex. Which is another phenomenon I don’t quite understand? And (seemingly) “heterosexual” people are guilty too, so don’t think shit didn’t hit the fan in your own sitting-room, bruh!

Anal sex is wrong on so many levels! The number of stuff you can catch (as opposed to the average vagina) is mind-boggling. But where it gets scary is when you decide to transfer some of that ass-disease to some heterosexual, who then transfers it to another heterosexual. And that’s how some disease with a name scarier than a Lord of the Rings antagonist moves from exclusive preserve of people with alternate orientation, to generic to all sexually active people.

Scenario is pretty simple.

Gay A (exclusively gay) + Gay B (bi-sexual or we can call him GAYbriel, LOL)

= Two guys doing their thing. No problem right? Lots of KY to keep both parties happy.

Gay B (bi-sexual) + Straight A (exclusively straight female)

= GAYbriel be getting some p*ssy because f*ck you, p*ssy is like the occasional filet mignon(beef) for an otherwise vegetarian. Makes sense? No? Didn’t think so. Moving on.

Straight A (exclusively straight female) + Straight B (exclusively straight male)

= Just a regular stud getting p*ssy from a “regular girl” who knows nothing about the “Top” she’s giving access to. (Oh, by the way, Top is the name for homosexuals who do the penetrating. Believe it or not, I just learnt the terminology recently when my friend was being toasted by a guy. LOL! Nigga still traumatized at being automatically relegated to Bottom *tears*). 

Anyway, do the math.

Quick question for straight guys: If you had to sleep in the middle of a beautiful woman and a gay guy, who would you turn your back to? Hehehehehe! Lose-Lose, yo!

Another thing a nigga is curious about as it relates to gay men is; do y’all kiss? Like, do you tongue-lock with your fellow man and shit? Oh God kill me NOW! LMAOOOOO! *Moving on*

All I’m saying is, if you wanna pound fudge, please pound fudge EXCLUSIVELY! Gay? Don’t be “bi”. Stick to fudge-pounding. Don’t shove your lil gay penis in no coochies out of curiousity or nuin.

Straight? (in your mind) Then STOP THE ANAL SEX WITH YOUR GIRL, PLEASE! You don’t want that girl’s anal walls to cave-in, do you? Oh, never heard of Rectal Prolapse or hemorrhoids? That shit ain’ pretty.. That shit real, bruh!

I had a “friend” who told me the story of her friend that was strictly into anal sex. She was bent on keeping her hymen till marriage, so she went ham, sharing that ass literally. Until the inside of her butt collapsed, and her innards was hanging out of her like some freak “Ekuke” dog. Said the poor girl was so fucked up and invalid in the hospital when she visited, that she couldn’t resist the urge to take pictures and show/teach other girls a lesson to desist from such practice….

…..  Don’t ask me why she was such a terrible, insensitive, god-forsaken B*TCH (of the highest order). I wondered and asked her the same. I mean, why would you want to expose a supposed friend like that?! Smh! Girls are their own worst enemies! Luckily, the patients’ mother walked in and stopped her despicable mission in the nick of time.

My point is, chill out on the ass-tearing, abeg. If your woman’s vagina isn’t tight enough, grow a bigger penis, perhaps? GOD DIDN’T DESTROY SODOM AND GOMORRAH BECAUSE SOMEBODY FARTED AND FORGOT TO SAY, “EXCUSE ME”.

…. Oh, and please? Let’s show a lot more responsibility during sex. Unprotected sex feels mad good, I won’t even front, LOL, but man……… Shit can go awry if you fuckin’ (with) the wrong person.

Have I been too graphic and gory? Ok, how about a joke eh?

“So the captain is walking down the bridge, and he and his dog come across two sailors on deck fucking each other in the ass. So these two guys are fucking each other in the ass and the captain comes up and he’s like, ‘whoa, what the fuck is going on here?!’ The sailor says ‘Huntsacker fell overboard sir, and I’m trying to save his life.’ The captain says, ‘you gotta give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!’ Sailor says (while still thrusting), ‘how you think this got started in the first place?’”Crimson Tide (1995)


**Tumbleweed rolls across dusty plain. Crickets chirps. NO laughs whatsoever** Sigh! I give up!

But seriously, though? I’ll just leave with these parting words which might be the truth for some and only to an extent: A nigga might like a girl who swings both ways, but only as a girlfriend. Let that marinate for a minute eh? Stay blessed, yo!


I was gonna make a gay joke, butt fuck it.




•Man without a MANual. •Have both an Ego and an Alter-Ego.. Neither is positive. •Brain of a Rocket Scientist (Albeit a very lazy one) •Gentleman with values deep-down (VERY deep-down) •Greatest Achievement: Killing a lion with bare hands & walking away in slow motion & Killing "two stones with one bird". @Yuzedo77

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