Chills run down my spine as the early hours of today stare into my eyes. Another night and yet another time to stay up to wonder why. My heart won’t stop racing as the cool breeze pass through the window and peeks to see if I’m awake…
The thoughts in my head won’t let me be. The mistakes I’ve made still haunt me for solutions – Solutions that I don’t have. The words I said to you in anger loop in my head – words that I will never take back. Not now that you’re not here. The hate in my heart grips me by my lungs.
They won’t stop! No! They never stop! And you dare not to act like they’re not there else they’ll eat you up faster than you can imagine. Somehow I have to stay up to stay sane. That seems to be the only time to think of
YOU… IT… THEM…
And come up with a
HOW? WHEN? WHERE?
I once had a friend who died right in front of me. Now I try to sleep hoping to meet her in it. I’m still waiting even as I write you. Still, for some reason I keep blinking and hoping to fall asleep.
Nah… It just doesn’t happen.
So tonight just like every other night I lay waiting. Countless number of times do I roll in my bed hoping to fall. It’s 2am, and at this point, sleep is still lost. In the stillness of the night, the smoke leans towards me saying
“Sleep isn’t coming tonight but I can help knock you out into the next 4, 5, 6 months”
Everything is suddenly cold and it seems like my heart just stopped pumping blood. I’m scared out of my mind! I think I’ve been nailed to my bed! I’m still conscious… I think… Then a darker smoke leans towards me, rests on my left shoulder and whispers
“I can make you sleep for a very long time. You will sleep, you get to see her again if you want to… but I can’t assure you of the morning sun I warn you”
“Death!” I yell from within like I’m about to explode.
“Where have you been?” I ask in excitement.
“I need to leave this place. I don’t want to come back”.
“You can make me sleep you say?!”
I wait for an answer but all I get is this load taken away from my body. I still feel very heavy, in fact, a whole lot heavier. I slowly turn to my alarm which reads 3:11am. My lids begin to grow heavier with every blink. I see her in the distance but she doesn’t see me. How do I make her see?
“You didn’t change one bit” I say to myself.
“I miss you so much,” but she doesn’t hear me. So I walk up to her to say hi. I lean forward.
There’s this noise. It’s so deafening! Ringing in my head like a heavy gong with every sound. It won’t let me any closer as I clasp my hands round my ears. In the hurt I blink once. Twice… and I’m staring at the ceiling. The noise is driving me out of sanity – then I turn and reach for the alarm.
“Ah! That’s much better.” I think to my half awake self as the sun rays pierces its way through my windows and into my skin.
Did I even sleep?