After a while, it felt like the pen was going to pick itself up and start writing. I had been staring too long at the pad and pen – My mind as blank as the page I was about to write on. I had seen this before.
When Laura broke up with me four years ago, I made up my mind to be a better man. I promised to take my music career much seriously and make her proud of me. It’s been more than hard accomplishing this especially because she wants nothing to do with me. So what do I do?
When I rehearse a song, I picture she’s in the crowd. I imagine what she’d say to me if she sat there to listen. Sadly, none of what I do is ever up to standard. Obviously, she’s never told me this but I just know, I feel it in my heart and it hurts terribly. I haven’t been able to sing publicly since she’s been gone.
Being practical, I haven’t seen Laura since we went our separate ways which makes me wonder – why do I still bother? But you see, she’s quite a pretty one to lose and I’m bent on winning her heart back. I’d sing till heaven drops and till hell shakes because she’s worth it – Doesn’t exactly matter if she deserves me.
Though I hear it in my heart; I hear my heart speak to me. Same heart that tells me to go all out for Laura also tells me I need to live for myself. I need to be happy. It tells me I can’t spend the whole of my life trying to please anyone or make them think better of me. They just won’t. And even if they do, it won’t be such a big deal. People have too much problems in their lives to even want to bother about me so why should I depend on their judgment to live?
Every year I sit at this round table trying to figure out how my life is going to turn out – trying to fix me.
“It’s a new year! Not a following day!” I say to myself.
“Let’s make plans! Let’s make resolutions. Let’s visualize!”
Surely I can see the end from the beginning and so if I plan now, it would surely come true. Unfortunately, this hasn’t always been the case because, apparently, someone always comes back to the table every year to “visualize” the same issues.
Oh wait! I have seen this before! I pack up my notepad and pen abruptly.
I can’t continue to live for an invisible Laura
…And so this year, no resolutions. No more living for anybody. I’m no longer searching for the cube of sugar at the bottom of the sea. In fact, making this choice at the beginning of the year does sound like a resolution in itself but now I know better. Now I know that asides living for Laura, I don’t need to wait a whole year before putting my life back on track. It’s stupid.
In this year, if the dice doesn’t roll in my favor, then “Que Sera” for the pain.