As close and in love as you may be with your current partner, I think it’s safe to say there’s something your partner doesn’t know about you. While I believe that most couples should have little to no secrets between them, revealing too much or digging up the past that has no bearing on who you are today may be irrelevant, and cause unnecessary drama in your relationship.
All couples are different, and if you feel your union is so strong that it can sustain anything that you divulge about yourself, then great! But if you don’t feel obligated to reveal everything there is to know about your life, here are a few things we feel you might be able to keep close to the vest…with a few caveats of course.
1. Your Best Sex
If your best sex wasn’t with your current partner, there’s no need to tell him that. You’ve got to know that, right?If he asks you if he was, simply say, “Awww babe, you know I love you” and hopefully that’ll distract him. If he doesn’t fall for it, I see no reason why telling a little fib will hurt. Men have fragile egos, so stroke it. Nothing good can come from telling him that he wasn’t your best and while some men may use that bit of information as incentive to get better, others may be secretly annoyed that you didn’t lie to save his feelings. I look at it like this: your ex is an ex for a reason no matter how great the sex was. You love your new beau so that should make him your best, right? Okay, maybe not, but you know what I mean. Just go with it.
2. Number Of Sex Partners
I don’t know why people ask this question, particularly men. No matter how many people you tell him you’ve slept with, the number will mostly likely always be too high for him. It’s absolutely a no-win situation. He should be with you for who you are, so how many men you’ve slept with should make no difference to him…unless he just thinks you’re a slore, in which case he’s already drawn his conclusions anyway. Your best bet is to simply not answer the question, although that could cause him to become more suspicious and make unwarranted judgments of you. If he pressures you to answer, you can either make up a number that you feel is reasonable and qualify it by saying, “But they were all long-term boyfriends” or you can say, “No one matters that came before you babe” and hope that answer will suffice. If not, then it’s time to bounce him because he’s simply too insecure.
3. A Past Affair
Don’t kill me but I don’t necessarily believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. If you’ve learned from the error of your ways and have vowed that you will never cheat (or be the mistress or side chick) in relationships ever again, then you can probably keep that bit of information to yourself. If he asks you if you’ve ever cheated on a boyfriend, you may feel compelled to be honest since you don’t consider yourself to be a cheater anymore – and that’s honorable. But telling him that you cheated on an ex or were involved with a married man may only cause him to question his relationship with you and wonder if you’ll do the same thing to him. If there is no chance that he’ll find out about your past infidelities and you think divulging this information would compromise your current relationship, then keep it to yourself and continue to be a faithful girlfriend. If he asks and you choose to be honest and he leaves, then he wasn’t the one for you and you should be with a man that understands that people make mistakes and can learn from them.
4. An Abortion
If you had an abortion as a result of getting pregnant in a past relationship, there is no reason you should feel the need to tell anyone that – especially if it’s an experience you’d rather not relive. You shouldn’t hide a pregnancy or an abortion from a current boyfriend but that could also be considered your prerogative. Now if you cannot conceive or carry a baby to term because of a past abortion, and your current partner wants to have children, then you may need to come clean. Otherwise, it is a decision you made for yourself that requires no explanation to anyone.
5. Previous STD
I would normally never advise anyone to keep their sexual history a secret, especially since that is information a potential partner needs to have in order to make an informed decision about having sex with you. However, if you contracted a disease 10 years ago before you met your current partner and it has since been treated and cured, and you haven’t had one since, then you may be able to move past that experience and not share. Sexual history is a delicate topic that most people have a hard time addressing. But if you’ve had several STD’s or currently have a condition that you can pass onto your partner, he or she should be told about it…BEFORE you have sex. Condom or not.
6. Any Information About Your Ex
Unless your ex is your child’s parent, is stalking you or you have a restraining order against him, your current partner has no reason to know anything about any of your exes. If your ex is still trying to get back together with you, you may decide this is information is on a “need-to-know” basis, because you may feel you can handle your ex on your own. But if the ex is posting inappropriate comments on your Facebook page, is disrespecting your relationship or trying to sabotage it, then and only then should your ex’s name come up to your current partner so that he or she is in the loop as to what is going on. Otherwise, leave your ex and that relationship in the past and keep his name out of your mouth. By constantly bringing up your ex, that’ll just make your current boo wonder if you’re over him, and could possibly make him jealous or feel insecure – neither of which is a good thing. If you value your current relationship, keep your exes and all information about them in the past where it belongs.
7. Prior Criminal Behavior
Unless you are a registered sex offender or have committed murder or armed robbery, you can probably keep the public indecency charge you caught in college to yourself. Now if you have a record and did a bid, then you probably can’t hide that for very long anyway. But if you were busted for shoplifting as a teenager and the charge has since been expunged and your records sealed, then you can keep your lips sealed on that one as well. If you are no longer criminally minded and have been an upstanding citizen who abides by the law, then don’t give him or her a reason to give you the side eye…or sleep with one eye open.
If you are not married or share expenses and a bank account, then there is no reason the guy you’re dating has to know about your student loans or credit card debt. However, if he has a five year plan that includes you both paying for a wedding, buying a house and starting a college fund for Junior, you’re going to need to come clean about your spending habits. Lying about or hiding finances can make or break a marriage before it has a real chance to succeed. With that in mind, if you are married or planning to get married, then lay your finances on the table and consult a financial planner if necessary. This way, you can establish a budget that will help you get out of debt while achieving your financial goals as a couple. But if you two are just kicking it, keep your finances separate and your mouth closed – but still get financial help if you need it.
9. Your Toy Collection
Unless you are a sex addict, there is no reason your man should know about your secret stash of adult videos or sex toys if you don’t want him to. While some men would welcome the use of such props to your sex lives together, others may not be as open minded and may find those things offensive or even intimidating. If you two live separately, then just make sure you have a good hiding spot in the crib for when he comes over and keep working on convincing him that your toys are no substitution for the real thing. But if he’s still opposed to them, then you may either need to dump him for a more adventurous, more secure partner…or keep them under lock and key and bust them out when he goes out of town for the weekend.