Can You Really ‘Gba Oko Lowo’ Anybody?

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T’o ba de ko ja aye e, mo le gb’oko l’owo e.” The last lines the chorus of Goldie’s hit song with Eldee, You Know It.

To the non-Yoruba-but-pidgin-speaking people, the above meant “If you do pass yourself, I go thief your bobo.” This statement carries a certain weight, and insinuates that whoever said such, is a bad-ass bitch. Which is the opinion the music-conscious Nigerian had of 29 year old Susan “Goldie” Harvey.

But following the end of Goldie’s Temple Run in the Big Brother House, which lasted 68 days, and the events that happened in the house; culminating with Goldie’s eye-leaking performance at the eviction show, have caused Nigerians to look at Goldie in a whole new light.

In the beginning was the word, and the word was with Goldie, and the word was kind. Nigerians were kind to Goldie. They accepted her as the country’s flag-bearer, particularly after the withdrawal of the other two Nigerian niggas in the house. And Goldie repped. Well.

People were glad to see the calm, relaxed, not-dressing-like-a-woman-high-on-a-mixture-of-skunk-and-moin-moin side of Goldie, and the entire continent warmed up to her. She showed her womanly side, as she cooked and cleaned the house happily. Africa loved her. Then she began her romance with Prezzo, and things began to go south like panties at midnight on Allen Avenue.

First of all, Nigerians were pissed, ’cause that brother Prezzo ugly. As hell. I mean, come on! A Nigerian girl can seriously not have that bad a taste. The instant the BBAtosphere got wind of the relationship, it was absolute mayhem. The hate messages on the BBA messageboard and Twitter began. Creative Nigerians began conjuring images. And the pictures were funny as fuck, but ugly as hell. I would included one in this piece, but for the fear I have that it might damage your screens.

As if Uncle Prezzo was hungry for more, he began to fuck up. I don’t know how the shindig went down (as I don’t watch BBA because I have something called a Life) but somewhere along the line, Master P nominated Goldie for eviction. This was the last spoonful that filled the big pot. Nigerians were enraged. She loved him, and he put $300,000 before her. He sold his love for such a small, meagre amount! Such callousness! And this was a girl that rumor said washed his boxers!

Dear male readers, if a woman can undergo the physical, emotional and spiritual trauma of washing you underwear, marry her.

What further incensed Nigerians was Goldie’s non-reaction to Uncle Prezzo’s actions. This was the same lady that said “ifoti to gbona l’oma je to ba misbehave”. She didn’t Oyedepo him, didn’t even DKB him, not to talk of a whole ifoti gbona. And she’s a Yoruba girl! Hian!

Goldie’s relationship with Master P crumbled, and after 68 days in the house, Big Brother gave aunty Goldie eviction letter. And to the dismay of every Nigerian, na so the babe begin cry. At the moment when everybody expected her to kako bi rooster and come home with her head held up high, she broke down and cried.

Despite all this, Nigerians are proud to welcome Goldie home. Although every state has denied her, we are all happy to welcome back one of our own who has held our flag high outside the borders. We now know that inside the Lady Gaga-ish exterior, is a big-hearted, caring, recently heart-broken Adele. She upheld our country’s moral values (as there were no reports of her ghen-ghen ever being ghen-ghened.)

Welcome back, Goldie. Hope you learnt a lot from your experience, and we hope you’re ready to continue making chart-topping music.

Wana

Wana

Quo non Ascendam. Writer. E-mail: wana@360nobs.com

7 comments

  1. 2 say dat she embarrasd naija is an understatement. Even biola aka nwuye noble would have a better job. Goldie shd never sing dat gba oko lowo anybody again. Ahn ahn.dat prezzo is super ugly,lips dat makes cows shiver in wonderment of what their kind is doin on tv.

  2. No K, she did not embarrass Nigeria. She only fell in love with someone who did not appreciate her. Those housemates who are constantly drinking, cursing and swearing; those who display wanton acts of debauchery; those are the ones who disgrace Africa. They remind me that the African culture has completely eroded. I would like to see a picture of you….you who calls another human being ugly.

  3. fell in love with sum1 who did not appreciate her bawo?? the dude is married mayne and goldie knows that.. she dumb as fuck.. it is better 2 smoke n drink than fall in love with a married man..

  4. I still think goldie had a game plan that didn’t just work out how she expected it. By the way,Prezzo is a single parent so there’s nothing wrong with falling in love with him,its just that she allowed herself to be played, which can happen to anybody.

  5. Plz abegabegabeg BULLSHIT!first of all dat fool was nt in any stupid luv.it was jst a strategy dat flopped.did u see her true colors cum out wen prezzo asked 4 his ring back?she is such a ‘gud hearted person’ nd she was nt on talkin terms wit her friend suzy Q b4 her death?if she was so nice nd gudhearted nd as emotional as she wants us to believe(and I refuse to blieve)one wld think dat she wnt even b able 2 stay a week without makin peace!abeg 2 all u gullible ppl out der goldie is a fake razz bitch!cryin like a village woman

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