FRANQUE’S relationSHEEP: Why Did I Get Married?

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Marriage is a social union or legal contract between people that creates kinship. It is an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged in a variety of ways, depending on the culture or subculture in which it is found. Such a union, often formalized via a wedding ceremony, may also be called matrimony.

No, I did not go and get married, although a lot of my friends and some of my family have been asking me a lot lately “Why not?”

Some of my homeboys have recently sent me messages via sms and on facebook about getting married, about them getting married. I even recently met an old school mate I had not seen in over ten years, and part of what I learnt in the less than five minutes we spoke was that he was getting married in September.

When he told me he was getting married, I was happy for him. Genuinely happy. And then I got home and stopped and thought about what he was setting himself up for, and I was not envious of him.

I have never been married before, so maybe I am not in the best position to talk about this, but I have friends who have and, amazingly, no matter how much they try not to, they end up frazzled – either as a team or as individuals – at the latest by the wedding day.

The Proposal.
Boy meets girl; boy and girl fall in love; boy and girl decide they cannot bear to live without each other; girl is checking her calender, ticking off the days till he pops the question; boy is checking his pocket for when he can afford the aftermath of the question, while going through the “Is she really the one?”, “How do I ask her?”, “When do I ask her?” questions phase.

The question is finally asked during sex, during dinner, during a walk, over the phone, via sms, by any of the thousand means available; girl says yes and then proceeds to shed a few, or a lot of, tears which I don’t get because she had always hoped the question was going to get asked!

Breaking the bank.
In my experience, no matter how little or how much money they have, it is never a can of beans to plan and execute a wedding.

The first thing that hits them is how different they really are – they disagree about the venue, theme, clothes, catering, music, guest list, rings, date, the big picture and the tiniest details.

Then there is the actual execution of these things after the days and nights of bickering and fighting every step of the way.

Wedding day.
We fast forward to the actual day itself.

One can be forgiven for thinking that since you had a whole year to plan the wedding, the ceremony will go according to script.

You both wake up early and discover that:

Bride: After spending the last week between the cake maker’s, the caterer’s and decorator’s; in meetings and call conferences with your maid of honour and other bride’s maids; checking in with your fiancé; spending all of yesterday going through everything with a fine-tooth comb; going to bed pretty late and sleeping in snatches, you wake up and watch as everything is falling to pieces around your ears. The horror!

Things are not as they should be. Then, there is the hairdresser not coming with enough attachment or the right colour for your hair; the make up artist hopping from foot to foot because you won’t sit still; the bride’s maids falling over each other and not getting anything done.

Groom: After a week of feeling like an ATM, shelling out more money than you thought you had; riding the teasing of your boys as they usher you into this new life; taking a crash course in wedding planing because your phone could ring at any time of the day – or night – and you would be needed to make a decision on an item, or a choice between two; explaining why that choice and then reassuring her that her choice is equally good and then hanging up confused because she had already made a choice and did not really need your input; playing mediator, counsellor, councillor, sparring partner, comforter; spending the last two days trying to convince your boys you don’t need a Bachelor’s party and losing because they went ahead and organised one anyway, you wake up to a morning of non-stop phonecalls because the Jeep her uncle promised her is not there yet. “I am neither the jeep nor your uncle,” you want to yell, but can’t.

The jeep has been delivered, but the decorator is nowhere to be found. The decorator is done and the bride is sitting there waiting, but the driver as taken a leave of absence without informing anyone.

It is bedlam; absolute chaos!

The good thing is, in my experience, whether you fret about these things or not, unless one party leaves the other standing at the altar, the ceremony comes and goes. You say your vows to each other before men and God, you mean those vows – even if only at the time you are saying them. People applaud, then you go and wine and dine them. Eventualy, they disperse and go home.

Considering that marriage is a ‘for life’ institution, what remains after the wedding is what was before, what will come up from time to time till death separates one partner from the other.  It is a question really, a reality: Why Did I Get Married?

PS: A very good friend shared this with me, and I in turn felt a need to share it with you. I think of it as The Love Jones.

He loved me, loves me – so he said. Fire, passion, witty back and forths, friendship, play fights…

And then fights, quarrels, hurt, pain, coldness. It all changed, seemingly in the blink of an eye, but it had been creeping in slowly.

Contradictions, extremes… That’s how I remember him, remember us. No, it is how I cannot  forget us. I ‎​love him and I hate him, and yet I love him. He’s brought so much pleasure and yet so much pain.

Still I return again and again. Each time, I initiate, I make the move. He doesn’t push me away, If he would, I could probably move on, move past this limbo I find myself in. Probably.

(We share kisses.) Kisses that always start as no more than breath meeting breath, then the faintest touch of lips, then a deep joining that draws from the centre of my being, pulling from that spot between my legs up through the restless butterflies in my stomach and finally coming out my mouth a deep moan. Kisses that say so much.

Yes, I remember and I love him… No, I hate him. That’s what I’m left with, kisses that can’t be forgotten; A hate, no, a love that won’t go away.

In the same space alone together (with him), my heart rules, but with distance, my head dominates. And so it remains … I hate him…. No … I love him.

Franque

Franque

"Franque is in aviation, which by the way is not his job, just a lifestyle. If he ever kept a diary it would read like his articles will. Unfortunately he doesn't. Scratch that. He didn't.AIRtiquette is a walk in his shoes. Since regular isn't in his vocabulary, brace yourself for a bit of airwalking!" Follow @franque_521 on twitter.

22 comments

  1. I particularly loved the poem. Tooo good. Spoke to me and of me. The indecision.
    Can’t really say much about the marriage piece. In the end, it has to all be worth it. All the stress you go through for that person. Just make sure it’s worth it.

  2. Why did I get married?…….A huge important question most people don’t know the answer to……….Marriage is not all about the ceremony,its the life after that matter

  3. Thank God for deliverance… That used to be me, in the poem, which I absolutely love…
    I cn relate to arguing about the tiny details, from halls to rings… As long as you guys can laugh about it, I guess you all will be fine…

    Franque, go and marry. Infact, I will soon start looking for Mrs F on ur behalf…
    I absolutely loved today’s post. Thumbs up F

  4. I loved the poem at the end. I am kinda in that situation right now.
    I also do not get it why girls feign surprise at a proposal….you been dating 2/3/4 years, you have talked about future kids, picked out names, school, et al yet you still act all surprised he proposed?

  5. Comeon F. Dont make it sound all ominous, the arguments and late fights n all,its not more than other projects where different ppl come together. there are many fun parts in it too . One only hopes u can look back 10 anniversaries later and hope twas worth it

  6. Franque don marry b4 joor.the analysis is on point.so many people go through all that stress and the union still fails.at the end of the day,what matters is that the couple are willing to bear whatever issues they may face,and handle them together…nice work.

  7. Franque don marry b4 joor.the analysis is so on point…so many people go through all that stress and the union still fails.at the end of the day,what matters is that the couple are willing to bear whatever issues they may face,and handle them together…nice work.

  8. Guy,h dey miss somwhere(figure it).Great write as usual. Question,y dnt ppl jst cut through d carnival n chaos n jst get with d programme,I mean dey’ll end up married @ d end of d day regardless!

  9. Hi Franque, sorry i’m going to say this, but i think you are just trying to console yourself. Deep down, u know u envy your friends. See for me, it takes a real man to settle down with a woman. That is, if he’s actually getting married for the right reasons. Try to look at the positive side to marriage, at the end of the day, after the craziness of planning a wedding, its all gonna be worth it. Marriage is a beautiful thing, abeg stop being negative this morning…..

  10. Planning a wedding does bring out some of the bad in everybody involved and I’m sure it’s ‘cos it IS a stressful period.

    However, if you got married for the right reasons, you would see the point to resolving whatever issues that do come up after the ceremony’s over. You will see the point in making sure that the vows you took on that beautiful (or, even, not so great) day is honoured completely.

    Yes, with marriage comes added responsibilities and those bring about changes in both parties and in the relationship.
    As with every relationship, there are bound to be moments when tension exists but that’s not to say that marriage is all about a love and hate relationship.

    I have been with my man for almost twelve years, married to him for almost four of those years. Both of us have changed a lot in all those years but the vision remains the same. Thank God we haven’t lost sight of that.

  11. And we cry maybe ‘cos we’re overwhelmed by the moment. I was all chocked up saying those vows to a man I knew I’d marry right from the start, a man I had been with for almost eight years @ the time.

    I had no plans of getting emotional. It just happened. He was the only one that noticed, though 🙂

  12. Although i dont support most of your reasons Franque, infact i feel ur exergerating some parts, but av never been one to see getting married as a must… Truth is, weda single or married d prices are there to pay, d burden is there to bear, being married or single is a personal decision to make…so if u decide to choose any of the other from ur volition, then it would be an abberation to criticize d other life…

  13. Although i dont support most of your reasons Franque, infact i feel ur exergerating some parts, but av never been one to see getting married as a must… Truth is, weda single or married d prices are there to pay, d burden is there to bear, being married or single is a personal decision to make…so if u decide to choose any of the other from ur volition, then it would be an abberation to criticize d other life… So, good luck franque with watever works for you…

  14. Funnily enough, I don’t think you are all that on-point coz. In fact, you sound like a person who has never been married but has heard a few horror tales. Disagreements occur but not always on EVERY single thing. In a lot of situations, the wedding is seen as the woman’s thing to both parties so the “down sides” are usually less about disagreements and more about things not going as the bride planned (which you did mention sha) but as long as y’all are getting married for the right reasons, you should be able to laugh about it in the end.

    T, not sure if you are male or female but just wanted to say that girls aren’t usually surprised THAT the guy propsed, but surprised at when (and often times how) he proposed. You know your guy is going to pop the question but that won’t stop you from being surprised when he chooses to do it in the middle of Shoprite right in front of the aisle with the permanent markers. #JustSaying

    Good write-up coz. As for the poem, deep stuff.

  15. Hey family *wipes brow* finally done! Hope y’all had a better mornin than iHad. GEJ is such a weist.
    @ MzSwitz: We live n we learn; we decide and we hope. Ultimately, as long as it’s for OUR good reason(s), it’s most times really worth it;
    @ eL: iSee u;
    @Kay: iAsked somebody to run away with me today, we’ll see how it goes;
    @ Bumble Bee: What is that thing we say about “never”?
    @ nengie: all in tym;
    @ t: iSee u;
    @ MaBijo: iKnow it is; my dad n mom set me a good example;
    @ Uk: if that poem was addressed to me and meant, iWon’t mind fightin with the sender – for the rest of my life; it’ll be more than worth it;
    @ gB: Don’t stop believin what u believe o. Who is to say that u r not closer to the truth than a lotta ppl think?
    @ Jigga: Hangin out with u has caused me ‘H’ factor. iSay this all the tym: if u want a carnival, come after iHave been married for 50yrs to the same woman;
    @ Miz O: Darlin, don’t ever apologise to anybody, least of all me, for ur opinion(s). U hav no idea how alone and in need of consolation iAm. As for envy, what is it good for? Absolutely nuffink!
    @ Olaedo: iBless god for u n ur family, u kno this. As for ur explanation of the tears, “Roight!”
    @ MTN: Yes, iTake artistic liberty, but u should know by now that iWrite only what iKno; no more no less;
    @

  16. I sooooooo love dis article and d details, agitations & arguements prior to “I DO” is all part of d blend. But yeah, it’s d life afta d PERFECT & DETAILED(if it turns out 2b dat) ceremony dat matters. Send a pix wen ur runaway bride agrees 2d eloping 😀

  17. Franque I hope (lyk I hope he is hoping) will get married. But den it most likely will be..’for better or for better. .’:) cos he’ll be taking all d tym to decant the ‘for worse affilliates in his xteristic detailed mis-en-place *wink*
    And if he doesn’t let marriage appeal to him(now dat he is stil conspicuously eligible)eh I mean nw dat he is young.. what d blue skies! We’ll still be happy to av him as franque.
    But seriously, back to marriage dnt do it if u av any iota of doubt. I repeat: don’t!

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