WHEN TRUST IS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR IN A RELATIONSHIP…

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Modern cosmopolitan dating is one confusing trip to be on. So, it’s no surprise why most people are opting to remain single, not necessarily by choice, but by a subconscious inability to put up with the socio-emotional shortcomings of cosmopolitan dating. Recently, I’ve tried to drive through the boulevards of the female psyche to decipher some of the reasons why the bridge of emotional disconnect is getting wider by the minute, yet getting more and more battered by the motorists (or more aptly, lovers) who use and abuse that bridge.

When you’re dating, is it too much to ask your girlfriend not to spend the night with an ex boyfriend? Is it too much to ask your girlfriend not to lie to you about her whereabouts if as she claims, she’s up to no tricks at all?

This fresh couple I know – Kola and Vivian are at an emotional impasse. They love each other, but recently that love is up for eviction, and only your honest feedback can help them keep it in their hearts for a while longer. Kola was recently put in an awkward position by his girlfriend, Vivian. They’ve been dating for about 6 months and are thinking of taking things a lot more seriously – now the issue they must confront is one of trust.

Kola’s girlfriend, Vivian leaves his apartment one afternoon at about 1: 30 pm, informing him that she’s going to meet up with her “ex-lover” Jacob, to formally let him know that she had moved on, and was no longer interested in whatever they had in the past – to break up with him – let him down softly so to speak, so he says “It’s okay, go for the meeting, but please be safe, and come back home on time”.

But then it’s nightfall already, about 8:30pm, Vivian still hasn’t called or come home, so Kola calls her, “Hey babe, are you okay?”, and she responds, “Yes I’m fine, I’m in the car with Jacob now, he’s dropping me off at Toke’s place”, and the guy ponders for a bit, asking, “I thought you were gonna come home after meeting him, why the sudden need to go to Toke’s place – is she alright?”, and his girlfriend says, “She’s not feeling too fine, she called several times, so Jacob is just going to drop me off at her place, depending on how bad she’s feeling, I might spend the night at her place”, and the guy feeling for Toke, says “It’s okay, but let me know how she’s feeling when you see her – give her my best regards, please”.

But then an hour later, Kola calls her again, and says “Hey, how’s Toke doing”, and his girlfriend says, “Oh, I’m still with Jacob, we’re eating, afterwards, he’d drop me at Toke’s place” the guy is now suspicious, he says, “Don’t you think it’s getting late already – I’m not comfortable with you hanging out with this dude late into the night, it’s almost 9:30pm and you’ve been with him since 1pm – anyway, just assure me you’re telling me the truth that there’s nothing amiss here”, and she gets all warm and fuzzy, “Oh no, everything’s fine – he’s gonna drop me off at Toke’s place immediately after this meal, okay, you have nothing to worry about” and Kola retorts, “So, you’re assuring me that you’re not spending the night out with this guy”, and Vivian says, “I promise, dear, I can’t do such a thing to you”, and the guy concludes the call by saying, “Please call me as soon as you get to Toke’s place”.

But suspecting that she might give the same cliché excuse most unfaithful women use in their defense, “I wanted to call, but there was not airtime on my phone” – he transferred some airtime to her phone, just to cover all tracks. After exactly one hour – 10: 30pm now, he tries to call her but she’s not picking – after a few rings, he gives up. 30 minutes later, he calls again, and she picks up, and launches into “Oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t with my phone”, so the now suspicious boyfriend asks “Where are you?”, and she responds, “I’m at Toke’s place”, so the guy says, “Oh good. How is she feeling, please give her the phone, I’d like to say ‘get-well-soon”, and the girlfriend says, “Oh, I’m downstairs, Toke is upstairs, I’ll give her the phone when I go upstairs” and the guy pauses for a minute, before he adds, “Is Jacob still there with you?”, and she admits, “Yes”, the guy continues, “And he’s the reason you refused to pick my call – you know what send me Toke’s number, I’ll call her myself”– understanding that she’s been caught in a lie, but still trying to defend her immoral honor, “Kola, don’t worry, I was just in the car with Jacob, he’s leaving soon” – the boyfriend seeing the lie clearly now, “You’ve been lying all this while, just admit you’re not at Toke’s place, and that you are spending the night with Jacob, at least, I’d know you’re not calling me stupid by wanting me to believe you’re not doing exactly what both you and I know you’re doing”

The truth unfolds, and she says, “Kola, I’m sorry, I’m actually at Jacob’s but I’m not gonna screw him, trust me…I need this, please”

However, conversely, is it too much to ask your boyfriend to trust you while you spend the night in your ex-boyfriend’s house? In Vivian’s defense, as she claims, Jacob isn’t actually an ex-boyfriend, but rather a friend with whom she occasionally had sex with. But in Kola’s defense, he feels this Jacob guy has been described as a randy, horny toad that gets a boner each time an attractive female’s in sight.

So, the facts are: Vivian told Kola that she was going to meet Jacob for a chat. Vivian changed her mind along the line and decided to spend the night at Jacob’s place. Vivian not wanting Kola to worry tells him a lie, saying she was going to crash at her girlfriend’s place. Kola discovered the charade, and Vivian comes clean about her intention to spend the night at Jacob’s place. Now, Vivian wants Kola to trust her, and believe that she didn’t screw Jacob that night.

The ultimate question is: Is it too much for your girlfriend to ask for this sort of trust? And what would it take a boyfriend to give her that trust?

James Amuta

[James Amuta is the author of Enigma: Beyond the Poet; a maverick publicist with expertise in television/film content and corporate publicity. He’s also a filmmaker with a few documentaries and TV commercials to his credit. Find more of his notes on www.facebook.com/jamesamuta or follow him on Twitter: www.twitter.com/jamesamuta

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12 comments

  1. LOL!! Its okay naah…they wee only share a plate of isiewu togeda *yimu*….I’ll expect a whole lot of trust from my man but I’m not sure I’ll put myself in a position where he’ll have to worry bout my self control…ur sleepin ova at ur ex’s? Ur human,anything can happen.

  2. Its is 2much 2 ask oooo. What kind of rubbish is dat? ‘She needs this?’ She is a joker. That is nt d type of woman 2 build ur family with. She cannot make decisions n stay by them

  3. Sleeping over at your ex’s house, that alone has broken that trust. If she really needed to talk things over with him, she should have met him somewhere open….if she were in Kola’s position and he tells her he’s sleepin over at his ex’s, she would go gaga at the mention of it. No matter what…even if Kola tries to put this behind and move on…the trust will never be there.

  4. To me, the relationship.is still kinda fresh (6mnths) for her to be asking for such amount of trust. What dyu want to say to ur ex dat cant be said on phone, text or to his mail. As for me, i wud follow her to see the ex if its dat important they see to discuss. Trusting ur partner is a key thing but what VIVIAN did here is crazy

  5. Personally, I think it is way too much for that “trust”…..that is over the limit, that is not trust..it is like she is saying “Pls let me sleep with my ex with ur consent”.
    Vivian is wrong, she definitely wanted to sleep with Jacob…if it was so important she should have gone with Kola…..There is no rational explanation at all

  6. I’ll start by saying that we are in a world where it is extremely foolish to be too rational, that’s why at the end of the day its not smart to let out that kind of trust. if that kind of trust were to be given it is at a certain stage in a relationship well built upon trust and without any surrounding white lies. A relationship that is well built on trust wouldn’t need the lie involving the girl’s friend “toke”. Did you not say they were thinking of taking things serious?, before they could have thought of that, they must have been quite close and comfortable around each other, before you can move to a serious level in relationships (with a very few exceptions), you should be able to converse bout anything and everything. I’m trying to say the girl should have told her guy about whatever it is she was gonna talk about with her ex. they would talk about the risks and things and even laugh about what a man whore he is and then its now involving 1/2kola+vivian+jacob not vivian+jacob-kola. if she was feeling uncomfrotable or something during her lunch with jacob she could text her bf to reduce the discomfort. Thats how a relationship that wants to be serious should be. That kind of trust is given only based on the above criteria.

  7. @Tokunbo….,word!!!!!!!,
    d last thing ill bother my head with doing,if I were kola,is trying to figure out a rational explanation for vivian wanting to stay over @ her ex’s,as lyng bout bein @ Toke’s had ruined all chances of her gettng any benefit of d doubts….
    ure spending d nite @ ur ex’s & u have d guts of a jelly fish 2 tell ur boo “I need this”,who says that!!!!!………..BS!

  8. No one should expect their significant other to trust them with such because there’s no reason why you should be spending the night at your ex, especially if you are seeing someone already! She should know that doing such is disrespectful to him! If the tables were turned the chick would be pissed off!

  9. AHAN!!!! aunty Viv!!! thats just taking the piss naw!!! na wa oooooo and ppl say men r wicked, tell me what story this guy will have for his next girl…….i say next cos i dont c how they will survive dis and even if they do this time, am almost positive she’ll do sumthg silly soon again……KMT!!!

  10. dn’t really get wat she meant by…’I need this’. the ‘this’ being one last round of sex or wat?? if it ws me, I’d return d favour then call it quits.

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