CEEJAY: CONFUSED

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We are just a few days into the 2nd month of a New Year, specifically a month of LOVE, but why don’t I feel the excitement- that amazing feeling that everything will be different, better and all one has ever wished for?

Why do I feel exactly the same as I felt the year before?

Why do I feel sad, knowing that I’m back to square one?

Why do I have over 800 contacts on my bb, yet tons of messages from them can’t make me happy?

Am I an attention seeker?

Am I seeking attention from that person that means the world to me and getting an icy cold shoulder in return?

Am I just drifting into the land of the insane without even knowing it?

If I want to let you in on what’s going on in my heart, it’ll take forever to explain and ultimately leave you confused with my back-and-forth feelings that I can’t even put into words.

He that findeth a wife, findeth a good thing – so I’ve heard. *sighs*

I’ve heard of amazing love stories and watched tons of movies in which such was depicted excellently. Agreed! Most are make-believes but why then do I feel I’m the only one experiencing the reverse?

I hear relationships have ups downs…. But somehow I feel i …….
*is it just me or have you ever wanted to express your feelings on paper then find it hard to find the exact words to convey the message*

I’ve been schooled into believing that the heart is a muscular pump that supplies blood to the body- TRUE! Being a medic, I’ve held a couple and dissected a few. And believe me when I say its not all that!

The heart I refer to in this article isn’t the one in your chest that deals with blood. Its the one we cannot see, touch or even dissect. It’s the mastermind behind what we feel and our emotions in general.

It’s what makes you light up when you see that person you genuinely cherish and care about.  It’s what makes you sleep well at night, knowing the love and care you dish out is appreciated and returned (in full). It’s equally responsible for making you completely miserable when you’re hurt!

I’m trying so hard to concentrate and take my mind away from the pain I feel inside right now.

Hmmmm………….

Life can be such a b**** sometimes, screwing peoples feelings and emotions over and over whenever she feels like.
As the sayings go “All is well that ends well”; “It ain’t over till the fat lady sings”

This is just a phase I’m sure will pass over with time. Some things hurt so much that the only way you feel (a lil) better is if you write out how you feel at that very moment, as talking to friends or even a therapist won’t do you any good.

There are always two sides to every story. There’s always an element of truth in every rumor.

What if both sides of the story say the same damn thing, but I’m just too blinded by emotions to face facts and make up my mind. I don’t believe in star-signs, horoscope predictions and fortune telling- but I believe what will be will be!

Of late, I’ve been trying desperately to make up excuses for “your” actions.  Am I just scared of losing you, scared of moving on or scared of starting all over from scratch?

These are questions that I know I can never answer directly in this current state of mind without confusing myself any further and compounding my problems.

For big fans of chocolates, you know that feeling you get when you taste a good bar of chocolate and it dissolves in your mouth and momentarily you are in another realm surrounded by comfort, peace and bliss – and then that feeling is replaced by the bitter taste of “alomo bitters”,  that’s all I can relate to right now.

Hmmm…….

I must say I feel better writing down my feelings and problems. Like Lil Wayne said in 6 foot 7 foot, “I talk to myself, I am my own consultant”

Matters of the heart are dangerous and dicey, you’ve got to handle with care! When the pain you feel inside starts to reflect on your day-to-day deeds and it then manifest as psychotic heart wrenching absent mindedness then, I think you may have an incline of how I feel.

I hear people say, Rome wasn’t built in a day. But i am very sure that concerted effort can bring it down to its core. It takes ages to build things and a couple of seconds, minutes…, tops, days to destroy the same things.

Life can be frustrating sometimes, with a lot of commas and people that are naturally kill-joys clamoring around you. Striving hard, never looking back or “aloofness” as my friends always say, is the way forward.  Karma exists whether you like, love, hate believe it or not and it sure as hell stings hard each time you experience it.

Bending over backwards for people doesn’t necessarily make you subject to them. The patient dog eats the……. Question is,   What if the dog prefers the meat to the bone, huh?

If you dont get it right at first, try, try again. It’s not every thing or every one you push your self to the limit for.

Tick tock.. Time flies… Soon my heart’ll be hardened like “stock-fish” and it’ll be goodbye or on to the next one. He who laughs last…. may not necessarily laugh best.  He may either have issues upstairs or is indeed very calculated.

“The best things in life are free” – “nothing good comes easy” commonly used words, Yes! But how can we fully relate the two especially when you know how hard you’ve worked to come this far? I wonder!

“The heart wants what the heart wants”. Can’t argue with that.  Searching for that “special-someone” that understands you is like looking for a needle in a haystack –  a medical friend told me the easiest way to find said needle is to burn the haystack.

Agreed no one is perfect, we all have flaws. I’m not looking for perfection, just a lil appreciation and a reassurance that I’m not the only one in this love boat.

If something is truly yours, it’ll surely come back to you. What happens when it comes back and there’s already a replacement?

Some questions in life are truly rhetorical!

Don’t YOU think so?

It really hurts when you love someone with all your heart, you’re willing to do a full 180° on your old ways and move mountains for the person, yet the person can’t even tell when you are hurting.

The more I try to write my feelings down, the more pain I try to let go of, as it consumes me. To you, I may just be a confused individual, true…  Scroll up and check the title, love does that to even the finest minds on earth.

If you’re out there and you’ve been in my shoes at one point or the other or you’re currently experiencing it, kindly let me know that i’m not alone ….

Cee Jay
Follow me on twitter @ceejay_da_baoss

Cee Jay

Cee Jay

I’m very plain, simple and realistic. Even then, what you see may not be what you get. With a creative and imaginative mind along side having a thing for scalpels, notepads and pens, it shouldn’t be hard to spot me out. Follow me on twitter @ceejay_da_baoss.

15 comments

  1. You are most definitely not alone Cee Jay…
    In fact I’m going to start burning my haystack right now so that I can find my needle 🙂

  2. You are not alone

    These days I just feel numb.

    My bed is my best friend and I think my next set of tears should be for joy. Tired of sad tears.

    I’ve decided not to allow pain, bitterness or anger overcome me.

    Actually I don’t even know if I have the strength to express the above feelings. I am just numb.

    But I know that after every night time, no matter how long it takes, there’s always morning and I WILL have every chance to look back and smile.

    Don’t worry dear you are not alone.
    God is with you.

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