Sorry for the long absence people. So I finally got a new laptop and life got busier. I will try not to be away for so long like this again… Meanwhile, this and subsequent pieces were written some weeks ago so go with the flow and adjust to the backdated timeline. Thanks –Yuzedo.
It started with a DM (Direct Message) on twitter. The message read;
“You’re quite interesting and I don’t usually do this but……. U may drop ur pin pls.”
This message reproduced verbatim to the dots was sent to yours truly on the eve of christmas, 2011. I’m not a star, somebody lied (That’s Rick Ross playing in my head).
Ok, so it actually started with me “Setting P” on twitter in the most public, shameless yet innocuous manner, I swear!
This lady is advocating we follow another friend of her’s, and me being a nice guy, I check her handle (just a peek) to see who they are even gingering for… GADDEM!!! It hit me!!!
fucking hit me! The way I’m hoping Lilian Bach’s ABSOLUTE lack of talent eventually hit her (she has thankfully stopped acting right?)
Anyways, apart from my ancestors’ “seven-names-of-combubulation”, I immediately began chanting the only other thing that came to my mind, “Racks on Racks on RACKS!!!”
In retrospect, that was actually a misplaced qualification, because the main eye-candy was unarguably the “setness” of her very well-rounded nyash.. OMG! She was displaying that “nyashtastic” butt, BOOM, in yo face, in a tight-fitting LBD (Little Black Dress), and in your head, Mike Posner’s new joint, “She looks like sex”, is on repeat.
So a brother hits on her; extolling her physical endowments with unabashed adoration. (Remember this was still “innocent” clowning)
We swiftly became friends, and every morning for the next two days after our ‘virtual meet’, the first thing I do after scratching my family jewels upon waking is to tweet prayers of sustenance at her breasts and butt.
Honestly? I wasn’t doing all that to yield dividends… Ok, ok, maybe I was. Moving on.
Anyhow, less than two days into all that tomfoolery, the destiny-changing direct message delivers itself in my box, and the game changed.
I smiled…, I chuckled.
I added her on BBM sharply!
…. Blah blah blah, yada yada yada, FAST FORWARD! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
We hit it off like a boob to a bra. Nothing was taken away from the fact that the said picture on twitter that she used to seduce my poor self was in actual fact a friend of hers’, and not her. She claims that she added me on BBM only to shock me with this reality and then delete me. I was indifferent seeing as it could’ve been worse (picture obese Yoruba man behind Pentium II computer, eating ewedu, getting kicks out of leading me on and
masturbating with his greasy, unwashed hand).
Back to story!
So madam wasn’t who her twitter avatar depicted her to be but she was still easy on the eyes. Her brain was immensely sharp for her gender (if you are going to call me a chauvinist, I’d rather you make it just chauvinist than a chauvinist pig, thank you very much), and so our “friendship” blossomed easily.
***By the way, did I tell you about the hot lesbian I nacked on the 28th of December? No? aah! Ok, ah go tell you.. later.. Hehe!***
Madam said I engaged her long enough NOT to be deleted after revealing her true self to me, in my mind I’m like, “B@$*%, you ain’t “Ms. New Booty” I thought you were, I should be doing the deleting here! But seeing as we both wanted to shag ourselves and more importantly, made no pretences about it…. *shrug*
Distance unfortunately separated us. She was in Calabar for the holidays, and wasn’t due back till well into the New Year. Worse still, I had stupidly promised her that we’d both be each other’s first shags of the year, but the appeal of delayed gratification wasn’t even enough placation for my raging libido.
Fast forward to the 7th of January when her flight touched down in Lagos on the evening of that portentous Saturday.
Did I say portentous? Anyway, let’s proceed.
Landing in Lagos, we had an avoidable tiff when I feigned ignorance of our planned meet for the next day. For a second, I thought it was over, because knowing my “stubborn” personality; I was definitely not going to eat humble pie and beg. Agent Yuzedo NEVER begs, even if it is punny involved!
Thankfully, the next morning, she pinged me to appeal that I came over as she had the house to herself and followed up with a placating call. Who was I to do shakara for too long? Off to hers’ I sharply went…
Skip to the part where we are finally settled and all. She had just taken her bath, and put Alicia Keys’ debut album on play. Ladies, gentlemen, that album in a dimly-lit room does things yo! Alicia Keys is the TRUTH!!!
I don’t know when the first kiss happened simply because she teased and teased; almost a tad too much. Miming to the soul music in as much sexy as she could muster, complete with sensuous mock lap-dancing, soft caresses and tentative lip-locking, it was all sexy, then awkward, then sexy again.
Until our compressed desires threatened to explode if it didn’t receive let, and I desperately took charge, pawing her breasts, while she mauled my lips hungrily.
Foreplay was intense, yet frantic. We stripped off our clothes while still kissing, my long pipe tenting my boxers dangerously while she lay on the soft rug in her matching undies.
Upon resumption of foreplay, a brother tries to take it further but this girl here has better ideas; better ideas being a request that we just cuddle and talk because apparently, she was liking me far too-much for just a sex-mate…. (ALARM BELL!!!)
I don’t take the cue, I’m just wondering why a mature chic will play mind games with a veteran nursing a nine-inch woodie.
So I calmly stood up, silently threw her clothes at her, and picked up mine to dress up. I mean, it’s cool if you don’t want shag, it’s cool if you want to cuddle (rolling eyes), but if u wanna cuddle, we aren’t doing it naked while you continue teasing and testing my sexuality… Garb up b$%*&!
My shirt is going over my head when a quivering hand softly pulls at me, I turn around to see a girl half-dazed with lust and abandon, fingers inside her panties working her
clitoris, with eyes half-closed in pleasure, and lower-lips being bitten to stifle any moans threatening to escape her moist lips…………………
***TO BE CONTINUED***
Little Jonny was walking in the woods one day with his dad. On the way down the path, Jonny saw a fruitfly and he squashed it against a tree. His father told him, ‘You killed a fruitfly so now you can’t have fruit for a week.’
So they kept walking, and as the day went on, Jonny saw a butterfly. He tried to catch the butterfly and accidently killed it. His father said, ‘You killed a butterfly so now you can’t have butter for a week.’
So after a while they got tired and decided to go home. They walked into the kitchen and Jonny’s mom said, ‘There was a nasty cockroach running around here, but since you were gone I had to kill it!’ Little Jonny said, ‘Will you tell her or should I?’
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off.
She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening. As it turned out, however, the wife wasn’t having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there. As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.
She looked at him and smiled. “Jeeves,” she said. “Take off my dress.” He did this carefully. “Jeeves,” she continued. “Take off my stockings and garter.” He silently obeyed her.
“Jeeves,” she then said. “Remove my bra and panties.”
As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She looked at him and then said, “Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired!”