360SUBMISSION:My 2012 Budget (Nobodi Dey Here).

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Hello my fellow Nigerians! It is with great fear and deep sense of uncertainty that I present to you my survival budget for the year 2012. Even though I know you all have your individual suffering and smiling lives to worry about, I feel the compelling need to present this budget to you so if I don’t make it till the end of the year 2012, you will bear me witness that I planned along the dictates of the oppressors of our land but the rapists who continuously assault our economy killed my plans and dreams for the sake of their God forsaken children.

The highpoints of the proposed budget by the leader, president, person in charge of the country to the honourables, thieves in the house of assembly are (Note all figures should be read in Naira);

  • Recurrent expenditure – 2.4Trillion (Am sure 70% of this goes to service the miserable lives of the so called elite – in government and their family and friends, waka to all of them)
  • Capital expenditure – 1.3Trillion (I bet they will be spending like 100million to build public toilet for us Nigerians, as they know that is our most basic need, abi?)
  • Statutory Transfer – 398Billion (This is nothing but authority stealing and it is worse than armed robbery.)
  • Debt servicing – 560Billion (Yeah! Ngozi Iweala, che na like dis we go dey pay?)
  • Security – 921Billion (If we will pay this much for our insecurity, we might as well give the money to Boko Haram, let’s pay them off and live in peace, not continue suffering in pieces.)
  • Education – 400Billion (Where are thy teachers, do not be fooled because the more you see, the less you see o!)
  • Health – 282Billion (What a pity! What a pity!! What a pity!!! So much more amongst us will die still of ill health and inadequate health facilities.)

(Note: There is no provision for fuel subsidy in this budget)

I earn fifty thousand naira monthly as a graduate, which is six hundred thousand naira in a year. After tax, VAT, payee (who knows the difference in all these?) and the likes have been deducted from my salary, I will be left with about five hundred and fifty thousand for the year. So let me give you my plan, which is tailored along the plan our government has for me.

  • Recurrent expenditure – 120Thousand (I pay house rent thirty thousand naira every year at Makoko waterside, pay NEPA bill one thousand naira every month, pay water bill one thousand naira every month, pay toilet {agbepo} bill five hundred naira every month, buy averagely five thousand naira fuel for my I pass my neighbor generator every month) money don finish, I don diiee!!!
  • Capital Expenditure – 60Thousand (My girlfriend, Comfort {although sometimes she be discomfort} collects five thousand naira per month, even still she go the ration the straffing for me) na wah o! On top my money.)
  • Statutory transfer – 120Thousand (I give my mother and siblings ten thousand naira every month) otherwise, na curse dem go dey send give me steady.
  • Debt Servicing – 50Thousand (Even though it is as I pay some debt from one source that I borrow from another) America sef dey owe na, wetin!
  • Security – 10Thousand (Five hundred naira monthly for the OPC on my street and four thousand for my yearly Bendel insurance from my village) Ask Jonathan wether himself no dey do Bendel insurance.
  • Education – Zero Thousand (I don educate finish).
  • Health – 36Thousand (I drink averagely three thousand naira worth of jedi, sepe, awopa, dogoyaro, monkey tail, soldier root, afoot and things every month) God forbid hospital matter, it is not in my portion.
  • Food – 108Thousand (I spend three hundred naira for food daily, yam and beans hundred naira for morning, akpu and egusi {one meat} hundred naira in the afternoon, garri with bitter leaf {one fish} at night, some weekends if Comfort feels like she dey manage cook five hundred soup wey go last two days) most importantly, I try to eat a balanced diet.
  • Transport – 46Thousand (I spend one hundred and fifty naira naira daily on transport from my ghetto in Makoko to my office on Oshodi expressway, don’t ask me how I manage that, try figure it out yourself but I assure you it is a case of forty nine seating, ninety nine standing, one twenty nine walking) Lagos na wah!

Already, with this budget, I have exceeded my annual income by eight thousand naira. There is no plan for a better tomorrow, just daily survival. I opened an account during my NYSC days and I think I should still have five hundred naira in there, other than that, I have not visited a bank in two years (my salary is paid cash by the way, so wetin I dey find go bank? Did I hear you say “save”, Nna bros, respect yasef o!)

Somebody should help me tell Jonsing Jonah, with the removal of fuel subsidy, introduction of toll gate, increasing of NEPA bill and enforcement of cassava bread (that will surely scatter my balanced diet plan), I will just commit… NO!… (I no wan die, mama dey for house, papa dey for house, I wan enjoy, I wan build house) I will just begin to cry from morning till night every day, even when I dey drink sepe for mama sikira joint, na cry I go dey cry, even when Comfort come to comfort me, na cry I go dey cry. Jonah you dey hear me so.

Nobodi Dey Here ©Mystery Media

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