Yes, it’s Monday and as promised, here’s the Memoirs of a SLU…shhkid. I know a lot of people were not expecting me to write, I was not expecting myself to write too but as promised in the New Year, We have it.
Did you know that the cost of Ashewo has increased on the Island by 30% if you are going anywhere beyond the Lekki Admiralty Toll?
Last week Friday, after a friend’s Bach Eve I was driving one of my friends home when he suggested that we drive through Adeyemo Alakija so he can take “something” home for company. He’s not really into Ashis but he was home alone and needed someone to watch TV with.
We stopped over to ‘buy’ company.
Company: hello fine boys. How are you doing tonight?
Nobs: Fine. Thank you.
Chucks: We dey. How much?
Company: For one person or two of you?
Chucks: Ah han! We just wan make you follow us go watch TV with us.
Company: Oga, No problem but na 15K for TDB.
Chucks: 15K? You go wash plates and clothes on top?
Company: Bros, I nobi that one ooooo, if na to suck prick, I fit suck am for 2 weeks.
Chucks: So what’s your last prize for 2?
Company: 10 k last and una two go fuck me as many as una want until daybreak.
Chucks: Can you take two of us at the same time?
Company: Bifor nko but una go take am easy make I no wound.
Chucks: How much if na just one person?
Company: 6k last
Company: where you una dey stay?
Company: You go add N500, bros
Chucks: Why’s that?
Company: You know say dem don remove subsidy and I go also pay Toll when I dey go house, abi you go drop me?
Chucks: What has subsidy got to do with you?
Company: Bros, na so taximen dey talk am too.
Chucks: So that’s your last?
Company: I go do am 6k because na una be my first customer today.
Chucks: So you no dey give discount?
Company: Bros see as you dey prize me like magi. You be woman. I dey give my regular customer’s discount.
Chucks: If you do us good, I go collect your number.
Company: No problem. I even fit add you for my blackberry too.
That was it for me!
Not only was she talking about subsidy, she also adds special customers to her BBM.
We ended up buying and I DROPPED THEM OFF at Chuck’s place. Believe me, I did not stay back to watch or partake.
Ok, Where did we stop again?
I was shocked to see Mustapha but then I remembered that I asked him to bring my next visitor upstairs.
Maybe I should have specified or something and there was no way I was going to do anything with Uju before going to Deuces with Arewa in the house.
Arewa was dressed in a white tee shirt (3sizes smaller) and a pair of blue jeans
Arewa: Nobs, are you not happy to see me?
Nobs: I am my dear. How are you? You’ve just been eating the Christmas food alone without me, ba?
Arewa: Did you come to my house and I didn’t give you?
Nobs: You didn’t invite me na?
Arewa: Did you invite me for SLU…shh?
Nobs: You are fam na or you need a special invite?
Arewa: Anyways, I saw your tweet about going to Deuces and since I was home alone doing nothing, when I saw your car outside, I decided to come so we can go together.
Nobs: Okay I’m expecting a friend, when she gets here, we’ll leave.
Arewa: Oh I didn’t know you have a date. I can just go home if I am going to be an inconvenience.
(Maybe I should have told her straight up that it would be fine for her to just stand up and go home but I figured that I may need something from her one night and wouldn’t want to put myself on the begging side)
Nobs: No, it’s okay. We all can go together.
I went to the room to change into something I’d wear to the club living her alone in the living room.
I was on my own when Chaa came in
Chaa: Ahuru’m n’ ogi na neighbour gi n’ agazi party.
Nobs: We need customers at Deuces and she’s welcome.
Chaa: I’m surprised that she’s still alive. I pray she does not die in your hands.
Nobs: How? What will kill her?
Chaa: Her breasts. She packed the poor things in that small Tee shirt. Is she planning to have babies at all? She should make sure she keeps the breast milk fresh and healthy for them.
Nobs: Chiso, She’s in the living room. You can just walk in and tell her same.
Chaa: Maybe we will start by greeting each other. She does not say hi when we see outside this house and I see her most evenings on my way back from work. I just saw her in the living room and she was acting all familiar.
Nobs: Chiso, you know, you guys don’t have to be friends but you just have to respect her.
Chaa: Oh biko lekwa nu. I hope you’ve not eaten at her place before because you are speaking like she has given you something to eat. I was only saying that she should dress a little easy.
Nobs: I’ve not eaten at hers (I lied!). I will tell her what you said.
Chaa: I knew you would say you’ve not eaten there because the way she’s packing her boobs if would be difficult for her to see the content of the pot (I sighed!).
Nobs: I’ve heard ooooo. Please I have to go to Deuces. Can I change now?
Chaa: I‘ve even forgotten why I came to meet you.
Nobs: I thought you only came to compliment my friend’s bosoms.
Chaa: She’s nowhere on the food chain. I want money for credit, Nna.
Nobs: I don’t have money and you also work.
Chaa: I’ll tell your mother.
Nobs: Do you want to call her with my phone?
We both heard the knock on the door
Chaa: Onye kwa?
Nobs: That should be my friend Uju
Chaa: Uju, Arewa and who’s next? Bimbo
Nobs: Please open the door for her.
I think I’ve had it with Chaa. I may need to get her another accommodation or something. I agree that Arewa’s top was a bit tight but truthfully she’s a good cook.
On getting to the living room, Arewa and Uju were discussing some programme on E like they’ve been friends for ages.
Uju: Nna, kedu?
Nobs: Odinma. Have you met Arewa?
Uju: Yeah! We’ve met.
Nobs: Oh cool! Arewa, Uju was my girlfriend in the university and she taught a lot of bad things.
Uju: He’s lying. I only taught him good things.
Uju: Arewa, please excuse us. Nobs come and show me where to change. I didn’t know what to wear so I came with two outfits.
Arewa: Sure. No problem.
On the way to my room, I thought about taking her to Chaa’s room to change but I didn’t want to be fed with stories.
We got to my room and then
Nobs: You can change; I will be outside the door. Let me know when you are done.
Uju: Outside the door or you want to go and meet your girlfriend in the living room? Is there any part of my body that you’ve not seen?
Nobs: She‘s just my neighbour
Uju: Does her veejay taste like ‘neighbours’? Biko kam’nu ife.
Nobs: Okay, I will stay
She took off the dress she had on and I saw the finest pink bra and French knickers.
They say “The devil wears Prada”. No one mentioned the French Knickers.
On my, I made loads of promises to Zoba and before me was an ex looking yummy.
Then I thought “Will obeying Okafor’s law be regarded as cheating”? After all, this is not someone new! You are more or less, increasing the number of times and not the people…