Do we agree that French Knickers > thongs? I thought so too.
Welcome to 2012 and you are reading Memoirs of a SLU…shhkid!
I know some of you are really angry with me and some of you don’t care. I am angry with ME but then we should learn how to forgive people. I’ve forgiven Estelle for what she did to Oliver twist. I’m trying to remember a line from her version.…
Okay. Give me sometime to listen to the song again, Oh wait! I deleted it.
I think am a changed man and with your help I’ll continue to enjoy this new life.
If you’ve come here to read Memoirs of a SLU…shh kid, erm… I’m sorry to disappoint you because the memoirs of a SLU…shhkid will officially start on Monday but then I felt it would be unfair to start without sharing some of the things that shaped MANHOOD in 2011.
It was 1997 and “Giving head” was never considered part of any conversation in ROOM J101, Kenneth Dike Hall back in UNEC. I know some of you are already wondering what 1997 has got to do with the end of 2011, well the answer is EVERYTHING.
Back to 97…
I was leaving the library with my face down when I bumped into her.
Female: Please, it will be a good idea if you will just look at where you are going
I looked up and saw one of the most beautiful eyes.
Nobs: I’m really sorry. I’ve got a test and am not sure if I’ve read enough
Female: Then why are you leaving?
Nobs: I need get something to eat but there was no one to leave my books with.
Female: I can look after those for you but promise me you will get back on time.
Nobs: I’ll try to be back on time but then you can also take them back to your room if I’m not and I‘ll get them later; Hope you don’t think I’m trying to use style to get your room number.
Female: Are you?
Female: I‘ll be at the library waiting for you. Come back on time, inugo?
Nobs: My name is Noble Igwe
Female: Obianuju Okorie …Uju for short
It was a simple meeting but few weeks later we started a relationship that changed everything I thought I knew about women.
She was a year ahead of me but that didn’t change anything.
Like most hostel relationships, you really have to plan your chic’s visit because it requires you getting your roommates to agree to go on ‘Exile’.
Getting two roommates out a room should not be a big deal but officially, there are meant to be 4 people in a room but unofficial, most rooms also had 4 people “squatting”.
I had just 2 squatters and 1 born-again roommate who NEVER encouraged ‘exile’ so we were normally left with ‘using the room while he was in class’.
We used to kiss a lot but there was never time for “Nacks” (new word I learnt last week). I was never able to get her alone in the room and after some weeks, I got used to blue balls or maybe they moved permanently to planet blue balls.
So on one weekend (a Sunday I think), we went to visit my cousin somewhere off college road. Somehow, my cousin figured that we needed time alone, so excused himself saying that he needed to go to the stadium.
We were alone and this time, even though I didn’t come out with condoms, there was no way I planned on going back to school with blue balls.
We didn’t know how much time we had so we didn’t start off with foreplay before undressing each other; we undressed each other 1st and then covered our bodies with the duvet.
We started kissing, then I moved my mouth down to her nipples but few minutes with the nipples, she started pushing my head downwards.
As a bush Aba boy, no one has ever stopped to tell me that your tongue could go beyond the nipples but then I obeyed her and moved my head down to her belly button but she was not having me stop there, so she kept pushing me down.
When my face met her Veejay didn’t know what to say or do? I didn’t know what to do or what to use?
Uju: Use your tongue there?
Nobs: Use it how?
Uju: la cha’m
Nobs: Na ebe?
Uju: Ebe’a (Pointing at her clit)
That was my first attempt at giving head and she said I was very bad at it.
Until that very day, I never knew a tongue could be used down there.
Afterwards, we started visiting my cousin every other Sunday and I kept practising until I got better and could take her to cloud 7 and back under 5 minutes.
December 2011: Ice Cream factory
I had secretly gone to Ice Cream factory to get some Ice cream because I promised my friends that I would stay away from Ice cream (and very far too).
I was about to place my order when I noticed this almost –familiar lady checking out the Ice cream in the display cases.
I didn’t want to appear desperate and maybe attract the attention of a jealous husband, so I played it cool and waited for the moment she would approach the till.
Nobs: Sorry to bother you. You look like someone that I used to know in the university.
Uju: So, Noble you now refer to me as someone you knew back in school. I thought we dated or was that just my idea?
Nobs: It’s not like that. I wasn’t sure and I didn’t want it to sound like a pick up line. How are you?
Uju: I’m good. I just moved back to Nigeria and somehow I knew I was going to run into you but I wasn’t sure you’d be in Lagos because I was thinking you would be in Umuomaku.
Nobs: I didn’t travel because I have been asked by one of my clients to stay back.
Uju: He must be paying you well
Nobs: Well enough to get by
Uju: So when are you taking me out or the Mrs will not approve that?
Nobs: Today is your lucky day, there’s no Mrs yet but that does not mean that I want to be shot by an angry Ngwa man or will also say that this big ass of yours is mere God’s work?
Back in the days, I could point out her ass blind folded considering the amount of time I spend down there learning how to give head and with age, her ass got bigger.
Uju: Noble are you looking at my ass?
Nobs: Is anything wrong or do I require a “lookers permit”?
Uju: Just asking maka ukwu wu ego
Nobs: I should have shares in yours considering the amount of time I spent down there.
Uju: You should be paying me for all the things that I taught you?
Nobs: You taught me well. It’s a pity you were not around to enjoy the expert that I am today.
Uju: Is someone blowing his trumpet?
Nobs: It won’t be a bad idea to have you blow me. Sorry blow mine.
Uju: Are you staying or getting to take away?
Nobs: The only thing I want to take away is not being sold here now
Uju: Here I was thinking that you’ve changed.
We sat down, place our others and caught up on some many things including the reason we broke up.
I tried every single thing as mentioned in Okafor’s law but she wouldn’t go home with me that day but just as stated in section 2 line 5 “Paint your experience with the party as the best you ever had and complete the sentence with If only I could travel back in time”
Immediately I said that…
Uju: What are you doing on Friday night?
Nobs: I’ll be at Deuces from 9pm and at home all through the day.
Uju: Promise me a good time and I’ll be your date on Friday
Nobs: can I get you drunk too?
Uju: If that will make me have a good time, then why not?
That was all I needed to hear.
Friday (Date night)
I was getting ready for the night when the call came in
Uju: Where do we meet?
Nobs: I’m at home right now
Uju: Text your house address to me so that I can come there first.
I sent her the address and quickly started putting my room in order.
I went to the living room and positioned the beanbag well.
Guys, Invest in a good bean bag and save yourselves the “Please let’s stop” moment.
Did you know that the distance between the living room and the bedroom is long enough to make any chic change her mind? Sometimes it will be because you have the wrong paint on the wall or you gave her the opportunity to think about what you guys were about to do.
Get a very big beanbag and leave it in the living room close enough to the sofa so that if comfort is required during an ‘act’, long distance travel would be eliminated.
I positioned the beanbag close and then instructed the security guide that I was expecting someone and would love for him to bring her upstairs immediately she came.
About 20 minutes later I had a knock on the door and immediately I opened the door, standing there was Arewa and Mustapha.
She didn’t say she was coming.
Who is a French knicker in this case? See you on Monday