*Writer walks in, earphones in ears and singing at the top of her lungs. In 2012 amma be a star. In 2012 amma be a milli milli millionaire. In 2012 amma meet prince charming. In 2012 amma buy a range. In 2012 amma be a star *after a few rounds of singing, writer brings out diamond studded Iphone4 and ceremoniously presses “stop”. Crowd stares in awe. Writer mounts podium*
Writer: Mic check, one two. mic check, one two. Can you read me?
*Crowd mummurs a feeble yes*
Writer: Ahn ahn, this one that you people have refused to open your mouth, is it hunger? Oya the person that screams yes the loudest walks away with my bling bling authentic Iphone4
*Crowd immediately yells a thunderous yes*
Writer: Biko calm down! It is people like you that fail JAMB! Yes I said you should shout yes, but did I say to shout the yes now? Unfortunately you’re all disqualified! Next time you people will learn to obey simple instructions.
*Crowd begins to express their disappointment but the writer is having none of it*
Writer: See me I have only 20 minutes to impart the wisdom of the gods on you lowly mortals, if you like stand there and be begging for free sturvs, once my time is up I’m off to the airport, from there it is the abroad, one time!
*Crowd immediately settles down*
Writer: Better, now let us begin. First I shall read you the riot act. Anyone found in breach of said Act will be kicked out of this session. After all it is not as if you even payed any gate fee! Firstly, for the remainder of this session, no one is to utter a single word. Mine is the only voice my ears shall be assaulted with. Secondly, you are not allowed to record this session, yes the bouncers will search you before you leave. Thirdly, because your mind is undeveloped and not in sync with the gods, it may doubt some of the wisdom I intend to bestow on you. Do not listen to your mind. Everything I say is the gospel truth.
*Man in the crowd yells “Ovoko!”*
*Writer puts on special anti-razzness goggles and immediately fingers the guilty party*
Writer: Bouncers! Remove this uncouth mortal immediately
*Five hefty men carry pleading man out of hall*
Writer: All these Warri people sef *Hiss* for those of you that didn’t read the flyer, today’s seminar is chaired by my humble self, Jazz. My earthly name is Isioma but after my ascension to the throne of the gods, I was reborn and bequeathed with the spiritual name, Jazz. Know that the gods that sent me to you are generous and merciful beings. They watched silently as you went through 2011 broke. They watched as you stalked Wizkid, your younger brother’s age mate on twitter begging for a follow back. They watched as Wizkid refused to oblige your request and even blocked you for good measure. The gods watched as you wanked to Toolz’s avatar because you were too poor to buy a Blackberry Bold5 for any girl in exchange for sex. The gods watched while the Bouncers at Rehab threw you out, simply because you cannot afford Prada and wore your raggedy Dolce and Gabana outfit. The gods have said enough is enough! In 2012 Wizkid must follow you on Twitter! In 2012 Toolz’s avatar will be past tense as you will have money that will make Genevieve Nnaji call you “Papi”. In 2012 you will wear “all Prada” and the Bouncers at Rehab will not need to Axe their mummy.
The gods know that Nigeria is a nation of unbelievers, therefore they have said that I should share their “Credentials aka CV aka Portfolio” with you all. At least this way you will know that the gods do not speak through their anus, like that Ebele person that you people elected ruler.
A short while ago Manchester City beat the United out of Manchester United on that dark afternoon in October. Sir Alex was humiliated and ran to the gods. To test his resolve the gods told him “you must play Rooney in the midfield for no less than 3 weeks, only then shall we give you the secrets to ManCity like victory”. Sir Alex, a very wise man did as he was told and the gods fulfilled their promise. Abi can’t you see how ManUtd is beating people 5-0 anyhow? It is not clear eye! My gods are working. Talking about Rooney, he was bald and now he has hair, it was the gods. That hair transplant gist you heard #NaWash. Uche Jombo started 2011 slightly overweight now she is a hot sexy mama, my gods did it. M.I’s second album MI2 trended worldwide, my gods bought 5million copies of that album.
My gods have decided that everyone must have a prosperous 2012, so they have sent me to you to share the exclusive secrets of success. I am here free of charge to do just that. Listen attentively. Do you want to be rich? Do you want to carry belle for 2Face? Do you want to become a superstar, be it music or film? I am here to tell you how. Now, if you can all look to my left.
*Crowd looks at the mountain of books stacked neatly*
That is where I have written the success secrets from the gods. These secrets are here in the same room as you and you can touch, hold, read and imbibe them for just 1000 US dollars.
*Crowd starts complaining that this was not explained on the flyer which had “Free Success Tips Revealed” written across it*
Writer: BIko what is the noise for? Shey the flyer said “Free Success Tips REVEALED” and not “Free Success Tips GIVEN”. I have revealed, now come and collect. See these yeye people shey you didn’t hear the words of the song that heralded my presence? Shior!
In 2012 amma be a star. In 2012 amma be a milli milli millionaire. In 2012 amma meet prince charming. In 2012 amma buy a range. In 2012 amma be a star
You may express your disappointment in the comments section of this page. LOL! and Good bye!
Happy New Year!