Datboy N.O.T: DullingWood

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This might be offensive to a large majority of women, because honestly you are the ones I’m talking too (and a certain Knight). I am no chauvinist and not in any way looking to become one, I love my independent ladies who have diplomas and enough money to loan us. To be typical I am going to say this one time only, I am smart, don’t know if I’m smarter than the average Harvard graduate but looking around I’ll say I’m easily in the 90 percentile. I do not mean to be derogatory but even if I was I would lose all semblance of sense once you played a Nollywood movie.

Yes, I do mean what I say; Nollywood the self-proclaimed movie capital of Nigeria, with enough accolades and praise is still sadly the highest cause of mental retardation or regression today. If you think I talk bullsh*t then for a week watch only Nigerian movies and see how slow you would become by the end of the said week.

I know at this juncture I am being unpatriotic and some might say I’ve got a PhD, but I’ve tried to accept the offerings in silence but how long can Horse shit be passed around before someone comes to their senses, the Nigerian movie industry has been well acknowledged by the international media and praised for becoming so progressive in such a short time, some days ago while watching CNN, Nollywood was being praised for showing the rest of the world how to make movies on a cheap budget, at that moment I was rife with beetle juice(angst). I understand the white man’s fascination with Africa, the most powerful man in the universe is truly Kenyan, and there’s always that guilt from slave trade but this is no reason to ridicule the rest of Africa minding their own business, “Indie” movies which have no major studio backing are a great advertisement for cheap production movies (though not always), I understand cheap in dollars is still a fortune in naira so that said there is no comparison but honestly a cheap movie doesn’t have to be so stupid or does it?

I am no movie maker or great director but I think a good script has nothing to do with money, a good script is actually the foundation for a good movie, I have been opportuned to see movies made in brazil to those written, directed and produced for Iranians, and even with the difference in culture the script was always the meshing factor. Now I am no connoisseur of Nigerian home videos or even the theater ones but I can confidently say that you can count the number of good Nigerian movies on one hand. We walk a very tight rope and always seem to churn out the same expression-less, unimaginative, cock and bull stories.

Hollywood isn’t Hollywood today because of its big action movies, its way more than that, it’s because it turns out movies for all types of people, from action packed, adrenaline infused pictures to deep, emotional dramas, permit me to say Nollywood has only one viewer the retard and those who miss home (technically retards too). I am unapologetic about my taste, I was forced at a tender age to play Chopin, Mozart and Ludwig, I was made to read Soyinka and newspapers and after all the trauma I have developed a taste for such. I am not being pretentious or snotty, its just me but I’ve also tried to experience Nigeria as a citizen and embrace our free madness but Nollywood hasn’t been good to me, how can a movie soundtrack be the same from beginning to end and worse still tell the whole movie story, how can a movie focus 5minutes on a bottle of wine and glass just to indicate affluence, a party scene that runs for way too long, an actor that brings the same iyk (pun intended), expressions, emotions, lingo into every role whether rich or poor (Nicholas cage wannabe) just to mention a few. I am not even going to mention the limitless grammatical errors, the lack of depth or even the atrocious titles.

Although there are somethings I can forgive like 35 year olds who look their age playing university students ’cause in reality that happens, I can also overlook the fact that toy pistols are used in most movies, ‘cause the truth is I wouldn’t want real guns in the hands of normal citizens talk less of cops( what with accidental discharges and all) but some things are out rightly unforgivable, a flash back shouldn’t be a flash into the present, I know taking time to conduct a research and do the necessary logistics is money meant for the production of parts 3 and 4 but honestly not getting rid of calendars or posters that indicate it’s still 2011 when we’re meant to be in ‘86 is just stupidity.

I can go on and on about the erroneous nature of movie making but I won’t, you all can fill in the blanks, my plea would be to you the viewers, I know you all have your reasons, be it boredom, it’s a Nigerian thing, you’re already retards and can’t help it, lack of imagination etc. Albeit your reasons take a minute to think if this industry wasn’t already ripping off the average man would it not be forced to upgrade its standards, I think it’s unfair to our fashion designers, musicians, artist and writers.

If a video shoot from Clarence peters is international standard and can compete with a Benny Boom production and Nigerian musicians have had to step up their video production just to be aired on MTV. Also a certain Mr. Achebe getting a Hollywood production pushed back by months with a forced name change all because of excellence then I see no reason why mediocrity should be celebrated and awarded.  For those of you who still don’t understand, I wish u happy independence. (:>sarcastic smiley face)

I’m out!

P.S: I would still like to see the passport of Mallam Ilia and Jero’s metamorphosis properly adapted to screen maybe me and Knight would just have to produce that.

datboy_NOT

datboy_NOT

Who am I? Simply put I’m N.O.T or simpler still NUTS. I love life - the ups, the downs, the merry go rounds, but most of all I love that babe that carried me for nine months ... She’s my inspiration, my role model. I can kill for music & I’ve seen enough movies to tell u the end; I love women & hanging out especially with my peoples. On that note enjoy my articles; sometimes it’ll be funny, sometimes long & annoying but most times it’ll just be nutty.

12 comments

  1. N.O.T, u kinda harsh. But said it as it is. Talk abt gucci models, bb babes, ben 10 and legend of the seeker naija versions are annoying enough even without watching them. Ewwwww

  2. you make sense…only movie maker in naija that i respect is tunde kelani of mainframe…he doesn’t rush his works and he’s an acclaimed cinematographer…this article make sense die jare!

  3. Very apt. The lot of them are retards who take delight in Hollywood home videos. Really.
    Having said that, I do dabble in a bit of Genevieve-watching. Not in a ‘movie-watching’ way though, but in a I-like-Genevieve kinda way. 😀

  4. You have a few valid points, my grouse is that you have commented on a situation you do not completely comprehend. You did not highlight one single positive thing about the industry…Does that say something?
    Well I know things are about to change…..Mark my words…Skeptics like you will have their mouths hang open in awe of Nigerian Content. Its not far away…..Trust me. I’m out!!!!

  5. @damojo….mite just hapin o nd it’ll b a 1st. Imagin d headlines…NUTs wins Nobel laureate 😀
    @DD…thnks…I try
    @cohcoh….som1 had to say it
    @alibaba…tunde kelani,big thumbs up…mainframe ve done some gud muvies…Oleku…A+ in my books
    @Ned…I can imagine,she sexy die..
    @seun…I said the only positive thing, we have a few gud movies in d midst of horrible ones, I dnt think u need an elaborate budget to make a gud movie, which was my main pt, iv seen a few naija movies wit gud content bt d rubbish outweighs d gud by yards, I wld be happy 4 d industry if it turns around nd gives me somfin to applaud. Dat’ll be somfin to strike off my bucket-list

  6. So on point!!! Pls tell them cos It seems to be getting worse, watch out though cos some pple wld be aiming 4 ur jugular especially “The Knight”

  7. I opened a wrong link today and was reading an article I thought was written by u, even though it was nice, twas just missing all the “pepper nd spice” ur pieces usually had nd I was getting a lil bored . I was like “this can’t be NOT, what’s wrong with NOT?” I was so relieved when I found out it wasn’t u. U r so original. Keep up d good work and keep being u!

  8. NOT, u’ve said it all! U and Knight shd get to work. In the meantime, imma post dis link to fB so more ppl can read it and be inspired 2 walk out of retardation; nollywood-induced retardation!

  9. Tell them o, imagine people coming to visit and asking to change the channel to DSTV Africa Magic, you voice your opinion and they look @ you like forming intellectual …. SMH.

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