The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they’re going to have some pretty annoying virtues. – Elizabeth Taylor
No girl in Nigeria is a virgin again!
… And I say that with the utmost conviction because since the advent of Blackberry, suya, ice-cream, cinema tickets and shawarma, the hoarding of kpekus has become a thing of the past!
Now, that isn’t entirely a bad thing in itself. The problem I am convinced, lies in the fact that all girls are
…… err, bastard liars I mean!…..
I will explain.
With the exception of a few girls whom I actually respect, EVERY girl I have
fucked has claimed that I am the second person up in that pussy.
… Err…. Onye ka anyi ga aju?? (Roughly translated; na who we go ask?)
Right! So every girl is telling every guy that they are one man late to the prized cherry? Bah! Dead lie!
And it’s funny how that works too, because you see girls whose pussies can accommodate five lanes of vehicular traffic, something even 3rd mainland bridge can’t do, making the same claims… Is it fair?? Answer… Is it?! *angry face*
Speaking about the elasticity or otherwise of sex organs begs a salient question dying for an answer…
Size, does it matter???
Is Amber Rose a trifling ashawo?? … Well, that’s your answer!
Now don’t get Yuzedo wrong. The apparent depth and width of your kpekus don’t change shit in his
“fuck or not” meter. Not entirely because his 9inch “Tshabalala” is built for any porayroe-pie, but more because pussy is pussy, and “ANY” pussy will make you cum… Err, eventually that is. (Caveat being that the tightness of your vagina is inversely proportional to the speed and intensity of a nigga’s sperm-spill!)
Now truthfully? I’m not a fan of a “too tight” vagina. I dunno, that’s just me. But trust me when I say there’s a thin line between not-too-tight and not-tight-enough.
On two sides of the coin lies my basis for the supporting argument that size does infact matter, and they are both backed by personal experiences.
Earlier in the year, yours truly had gone to see a spoilt, young, rich ex-fuck buddy of mine at her place. Having just come into town, and having just settled our differences from a protracted rift, it was only natural that we hooked up for err, “conversation”.
Sitting in my car in a secluded part of her estate, we just dey gist o, nothing necessarily erotic, I really don’t know how her eyes strayed to the bulge my “very flaccid” penis was making in my jeans. Na so dis girl begin point and poke o! Asking what the bulge was, as she simultaneously copped a feel or two.. (Or three actually)….. Uhh? “Kerosene stove!”, I reply to her acutely daft question.
You know what comes next na? She insists on seeing the slowly engorging pole. Ha! Well, me being the nice and indulging guy that I am, I allowed her unzip the shokoto and blam! Out plops the sugar-cane………
… That’s when things changed o! The sky darkened immediately, her eyes glazed into two slits of steel-blue, the temperature rose, the earth stood still, the birds took a seat in space to watch their erotica.
Omo, dis geh wey dey form born-again some minutes ago begin “preach” o! My
dick kept nodding in pride at all the commendation it was receiving, from its length, to its girth, to the muscular veins running across it as if say the prick dey gym. Well, all dat one no sha concern me noni, after all, my mandingo and I are two totally separate entities…. Wasn’t like she was exalting my rocket-science brain, or George Clooney good looks, na the idiot prick wey just dey chop all the praise, so I just quiet.
“Mehn, I’ve refused to have sex with my boyfriend since we started dating”, she continued, “And it doesn’t help that his dick is
fucking tiny, maybe cos he’s fat”.. (My mind jumped to some of my poor, obese friends and mentally commiserated with them).
“Infact, I thought I could hang on to my new-found lifestyle of celibacy but seeing this bastard monster in your pants has gotten me wet and horny. Can I suck it? This shit will wound someone. It just looks so huge.. blah blah blah, she continued, (I swear on my ex-girlfriend’s life she said all that)… And then the “magic words” came out, “Uzo, take me to your house”………………
………………… Lewis Hamilton of Formula One hasn’t started a car and raced it as speedily as I did that day!! Ha! The poor car probably thought its master was being pursued by a jilted ex-now-turned assassin, and responded accordingly!
The Ibo girl’s jeans were well and truly seeping coochie juice as discovered upon arriving my house some minutes later, and not even the presence of my dad at home could deter us from consummating our sinful agenda.
As her oral orifice let go of my turgid member, I got commanded to
fuck her, and fuck her good/hard.
fuck her? Yes.
fuck her good? Sincerely? No.
Rather, I think I
fucked her “Up”, because less than a minute into thrusting, I felt my impending orgasm, and boy, did I let her have it!!! Hehe! (I couldn’t help it na) **covering face in shame**
You should have seen the look of resigned disgust she turned around and threw me.
Was I ashamed? Almost.
Did I give a
All the previous sessions I had made her shudder and quake in climax I believe, definitely covered for this small bleep-up, I reckoned (more on that later).
If however she got the short-end of the stick in this instance, the second account in support of the size argument is one that aptly encapsulates every reinforcing negative on the subject… especially as it is a serious indictment on both me and the lady in question, as a representative of the female specie. It was traumatic. **sad face**
TO BE CONTINUED.
A lady went to her doctor and complained that her husband’s penis was too long. “Whenever he inserts it in me, it touches my heart.”
The doctor replied, “Ok, bring him, I’ll operate on him and make it smaller”.
The lady shouted, “Nooooooooooooooo! For what na? Just shift my heart up a little abeg”.